I went to a meeting last night and I made the white chip walk of shame. It was the most humbling thing I have ever had to do. Thank God for my network who stood tall with me and hugged me when I picked it up. They gave me the strength and the courage that I needed.
I have found that word spreads quickly through the rooms when one of us makes a bad decision. I have been fielding calls and hugs all day. The humbling thing about a relapse is having to sit there and hear all of the lectures. I am feeling angry today. I am angry at the people who have more time than me and angry at myself for backing myself into a corner I couldn't get out of clean.
Sunday, September 2, 2012
I Miss You Already
I miss you already!
A little over a week ago, I met a newcomer in the rooms. I was instantly drawn to him and knew that I wanted to get to know him better. I wanted to be in his presence. I offered him a ride to the noon meeting the following day and he accepted. We talked a little that night on the phone and text back and forth for a little while. He is staying in town after coming from treatment to get himself together before he goes back home to Philly.
The next morning I picked him up early and we went to the gym. I like going to the gym every morning. We worked out and then came back here. We spent some time together and then we went to the noon meeting. He was explaining that staying where he was staying was not conducive to his recovery. I invited him to stay with me until he gets on his feet. This was done with the understanding that I am here to help him with his recovery and give him a safe place to stay. We are friends and that's it.
We began sleeping together and he is completely moved in. All he is looking for is a friend, his freedom and recovery. He wants to put his life back together again and I respect him for that!! I started developing feelings for him.
I know he has other relationships and children back home. I know that he will return home and I am already sad at the thought of seeing him leave. He is setting the bar for other men who will come into my life. He is showing me how to be a friend. He is showing me how to respect myself and love myself and my children. He points out my control issues. He is helping me grow. He is making me question my spirituality and making me ask questions to grow. I appreciate that.
God puts people in my life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. It is not up to me to question why someone has been placed in my life or how long they will be here. It is my job to enjoy it and build a friendship that will last for life and it is up to me to create memories and make the most of his being in my life.
No matter how long he is here, he will be missed when he leaves. I will value and treasure this friendship for life.
The next morning I picked him up early and we went to the gym. I like going to the gym every morning. We worked out and then came back here. We spent some time together and then we went to the noon meeting. He was explaining that staying where he was staying was not conducive to his recovery. I invited him to stay with me until he gets on his feet. This was done with the understanding that I am here to help him with his recovery and give him a safe place to stay. We are friends and that's it.
We began sleeping together and he is completely moved in. All he is looking for is a friend, his freedom and recovery. He wants to put his life back together again and I respect him for that!! I started developing feelings for him.
I know he has other relationships and children back home. I know that he will return home and I am already sad at the thought of seeing him leave. He is setting the bar for other men who will come into my life. He is showing me how to be a friend. He is showing me how to respect myself and love myself and my children. He points out my control issues. He is helping me grow. He is making me question my spirituality and making me ask questions to grow. I appreciate that.
God puts people in my life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. It is not up to me to question why someone has been placed in my life or how long they will be here. It is my job to enjoy it and build a friendship that will last for life and it is up to me to create memories and make the most of his being in my life.
No matter how long he is here, he will be missed when he leaves. I will value and treasure this friendship for life.
Saturday, September 1, 2012
I Threw it All Away
I relapsed this week and to be honest, I felt it coming. Many in my network saw it coming. The truth is, I relapsed long before I ever picked up. I was engaging in thoughts, attitudes and behaviors that are indicitive of active addiction. I suffered from a general negative outlook and felt like I was on spiritual life support. I turned my back on God. I was calling out to Him with my words, but pushing him away with my actions.
I have a newcomer living with me, and he relapsed as well. However, my relapse has nothing to do with him. I have been sharing for three months that I felt it was coming. He was my excuse to use. I not only hurt myself, but I hurt him, because as a newcomer, he thinks he could have stopped me. Bless his heart. The truth is, no one could stop me. I had my mind made up and I made a conscious decision to pick up. I battled with wanting to use for several months now, but in the back of my mind, I knew it was inevitable.
I started romancing the lifestyle. If the dope won't kill you, the lifestyle will. I was getting attention from all of these young dope boys and that felt good. I liked feeling like I was apathetic and above feeling anything. I liked feeling powerful. That is a drug to me. I didn't want to be alone. I didn't want to feel alone and I wanted to cover my feelings and I also wanted to feel accepted. I felt disconnected to the people in the rooms because I emotionally and mentally isolated myself from them. I had people in my network who tried to tell me there was a train coming, but I didn't want to hear it. I thought I was more powerful than my disease. I thought I could handle it this time.
The thing is, I got high and didn't enjoy it in anyway. I managed to piss off the person I live with because I was acting so crazy. I felt so paranoid and couldn't even enjoy my high. I knew the whole time my mind was racing that I was doing something wrong. Once you know, you can't unknow.
The person I live with took my car at 3:30 this morning to run to the store and didn't come home until 1:00pm. He was out using all night. I feel guilt, I felt like I should have at least tried to stop him. I went through an array of feelings. I was angry and afraid, disappointed and felt guilt. This man came to me with the intention of me helping him stay focused and stay clean and I feel like I let him down. I was angry with him, but other addicts pointed out to me, that it's really the disease of addiction I am angry with. He is a great guy, but once we put one in, we are no longer in control. It changes us.
We both talked to our sponsors today and made a meeting tonight. We made the white chip walk of shame and shared our relapse with the group. It was a humbling experience to know that I threw away five and a half years of recovery. My sponsor said now that I feel humble, God can use me.
I feel some kind of way about living with an addict new to recovery. It brought back a lot of feelings from when I lived with my ex-husband in active addiction. A few people told me that he doesn't need to be living here. I don't want to hear it. I want him here. We can help each other. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be drug through active addiction again either. We are supposed to be friends who live together, but I am developing feelings for this man and I know that I will have a hard time letting go if it ever comes to that. The bottom line is that I want to stick by him no matter what and maybe he will see that and fall in love with me and see how good I am for him and he will want to get clean and stay clean and never want to leave. I also know, I will let go before I jeopardize my recovery again.
Thank you to my doodlebug who kept my confidence and gave me support and unconditional love when I didn't know where else to turn!!!
I have a newcomer living with me, and he relapsed as well. However, my relapse has nothing to do with him. I have been sharing for three months that I felt it was coming. He was my excuse to use. I not only hurt myself, but I hurt him, because as a newcomer, he thinks he could have stopped me. Bless his heart. The truth is, no one could stop me. I had my mind made up and I made a conscious decision to pick up. I battled with wanting to use for several months now, but in the back of my mind, I knew it was inevitable.
I started romancing the lifestyle. If the dope won't kill you, the lifestyle will. I was getting attention from all of these young dope boys and that felt good. I liked feeling like I was apathetic and above feeling anything. I liked feeling powerful. That is a drug to me. I didn't want to be alone. I didn't want to feel alone and I wanted to cover my feelings and I also wanted to feel accepted. I felt disconnected to the people in the rooms because I emotionally and mentally isolated myself from them. I had people in my network who tried to tell me there was a train coming, but I didn't want to hear it. I thought I was more powerful than my disease. I thought I could handle it this time.
The thing is, I got high and didn't enjoy it in anyway. I managed to piss off the person I live with because I was acting so crazy. I felt so paranoid and couldn't even enjoy my high. I knew the whole time my mind was racing that I was doing something wrong. Once you know, you can't unknow.
The person I live with took my car at 3:30 this morning to run to the store and didn't come home until 1:00pm. He was out using all night. I feel guilt, I felt like I should have at least tried to stop him. I went through an array of feelings. I was angry and afraid, disappointed and felt guilt. This man came to me with the intention of me helping him stay focused and stay clean and I feel like I let him down. I was angry with him, but other addicts pointed out to me, that it's really the disease of addiction I am angry with. He is a great guy, but once we put one in, we are no longer in control. It changes us.
We both talked to our sponsors today and made a meeting tonight. We made the white chip walk of shame and shared our relapse with the group. It was a humbling experience to know that I threw away five and a half years of recovery. My sponsor said now that I feel humble, God can use me.
I feel some kind of way about living with an addict new to recovery. It brought back a lot of feelings from when I lived with my ex-husband in active addiction. A few people told me that he doesn't need to be living here. I don't want to hear it. I want him here. We can help each other. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be drug through active addiction again either. We are supposed to be friends who live together, but I am developing feelings for this man and I know that I will have a hard time letting go if it ever comes to that. The bottom line is that I want to stick by him no matter what and maybe he will see that and fall in love with me and see how good I am for him and he will want to get clean and stay clean and never want to leave. I also know, I will let go before I jeopardize my recovery again.
Thank you to my doodlebug who kept my confidence and gave me support and unconditional love when I didn't know where else to turn!!!
Friday, August 24, 2012
Jails, Institutions and Unemployment
My disease manifests itself in many ways and the past two months have shown me just how deadly my disease is. I MUST stay vigilant or my disease will kill me. I have no doubt about this. We often hear it said in meetings that drug use is only a symptom of our disease and I think that we hear it so much that we don't really think about it.
I hired ten people with backgrounds and lost my job because of it. I knew they had backgrounds and I saw myself as this giver of second chances, this saver of lost souls. I needed my ego fed. I was overly involved with the men and woman who worked with me and it cost me my job. I want to sit here and feel sorry for myself, but I did this to myself. I hit a low point and hit a bottom.
I joined a dating website to get my ego fed. It feels incredibly good to have men tell me I am beautiful and want to be with me. There is one in Africa who asked me to marry him and I have a Caribean guy in North Carolina who wants to spoil me rotten. The attention and compliments are wonderful and make me feel so good. I can get caught up in projection and fairy tales and have to bring myself back to the real world.
I met a man in the rooms on Tuesday and he shared that he is new to the area and new to the program. He doesn't know anyone and wants to build a network. I approached him after the meeting and asked him if he would like a ride to the noon meeting the next day and he said yes. Later that night I spoke with him by phone and he expressed a sexual interest. I let him know up front what I am looking for in a relationship and I am not looking for a hook up. We made plans for me to pick him up on Wednesday morning and go to the gym to work out.
I picked him up and we worked out. I had overworked one of my thighs and he bent down to massage it. I suggested that the workout was over and asked him if he was ready to go home. He said no so I brought him home with me. We ended up having sex. We then went to the noon meeting and I invited him to move in. I had known him less than twenty four hours.
The point? He has moved all of his stuff in and we have talked about what this means. I am giving him a place to stay until he gets on his feet and I am helping him with his recovery. We are friends. We also happen to be sharing a bed and having sex. I might be okay if that's all it was. We talk all day. We sit on the couch and watch movies and cuddle and he is very affectionate. I think in the past three days the lines have begun to blur. I know he is only staying for a couple of months and I already don't want him to move out. I enjoy having him here. I am trying not to get caught up and let my feelings get involved because I think I will end up getting hurt. We keep verbalizing an understanding of what is supposed to be happening and then we send mixed signals to each other. I already know in my head and my heart that I will become attached. He knows this too. We both also know that recovery must come first. That is vital. If we don't keep recovery first, a relationship or anything else is not going to matter.
We left a meeting tonight and he said that he needed to go to his aunt's house to cut her hair and he was just going to spend the night. I felt some kind of way about that. What if he doesn't want to come back? I miss him being here already and it's only been three days. He text me after he had been there less than an hour and said he missed me already. I am supposed to go pick him up in the morning.
This is more than me helping out a newcomer. I want this to work. I am getting caught up. I am trying to not obsess and just enjoy whatever this is, for however long it lasts and remind myself that God puts people in my life for a reason, a season or a lifetime and only God knows the future. I can spend however long we have worrying, or I can waste time worrying and completely miss the purpose of why he is there.
I hired ten people with backgrounds and lost my job because of it. I knew they had backgrounds and I saw myself as this giver of second chances, this saver of lost souls. I needed my ego fed. I was overly involved with the men and woman who worked with me and it cost me my job. I want to sit here and feel sorry for myself, but I did this to myself. I hit a low point and hit a bottom.
I joined a dating website to get my ego fed. It feels incredibly good to have men tell me I am beautiful and want to be with me. There is one in Africa who asked me to marry him and I have a Caribean guy in North Carolina who wants to spoil me rotten. The attention and compliments are wonderful and make me feel so good. I can get caught up in projection and fairy tales and have to bring myself back to the real world.
I met a man in the rooms on Tuesday and he shared that he is new to the area and new to the program. He doesn't know anyone and wants to build a network. I approached him after the meeting and asked him if he would like a ride to the noon meeting the next day and he said yes. Later that night I spoke with him by phone and he expressed a sexual interest. I let him know up front what I am looking for in a relationship and I am not looking for a hook up. We made plans for me to pick him up on Wednesday morning and go to the gym to work out.
I picked him up and we worked out. I had overworked one of my thighs and he bent down to massage it. I suggested that the workout was over and asked him if he was ready to go home. He said no so I brought him home with me. We ended up having sex. We then went to the noon meeting and I invited him to move in. I had known him less than twenty four hours.
The point? He has moved all of his stuff in and we have talked about what this means. I am giving him a place to stay until he gets on his feet and I am helping him with his recovery. We are friends. We also happen to be sharing a bed and having sex. I might be okay if that's all it was. We talk all day. We sit on the couch and watch movies and cuddle and he is very affectionate. I think in the past three days the lines have begun to blur. I know he is only staying for a couple of months and I already don't want him to move out. I enjoy having him here. I am trying not to get caught up and let my feelings get involved because I think I will end up getting hurt. We keep verbalizing an understanding of what is supposed to be happening and then we send mixed signals to each other. I already know in my head and my heart that I will become attached. He knows this too. We both also know that recovery must come first. That is vital. If we don't keep recovery first, a relationship or anything else is not going to matter.
We left a meeting tonight and he said that he needed to go to his aunt's house to cut her hair and he was just going to spend the night. I felt some kind of way about that. What if he doesn't want to come back? I miss him being here already and it's only been three days. He text me after he had been there less than an hour and said he missed me already. I am supposed to go pick him up in the morning.
This is more than me helping out a newcomer. I want this to work. I am getting caught up. I am trying to not obsess and just enjoy whatever this is, for however long it lasts and remind myself that God puts people in my life for a reason, a season or a lifetime and only God knows the future. I can spend however long we have worrying, or I can waste time worrying and completely miss the purpose of why he is there.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Finding some acceptance
It has been a long an emotional week. I have been up and down and numb. I remember when I used to pay good money to get numb. It is a blessed relief from the pain. Eric is coming to spend the night tonight. I have been thinking a lot in the past few days about how he reminds me of my oldest children's father. When we started dating. He was charming and manipulative and knew all of the right things to say. He would come and go as he pleased, but when he was around I would forget all about being angry at him. I have heard that in life we are presented with situations that allow us to deal with issues from our past. He make act the same as someone from my past in many ways, but I am a different person. Today I am more mature, more aware and less inclined to put up with too much bullshit. Today I know that I have choices.
I am finding some acceptance that I don't have to find "the one". I can enjoy who I am with right now and when God is ready for me to meet "the one" nothing on earth can change that. I must also accept, that just as some of us die from this disease, I may not find true love. I have to accept that I am in the position I am in due to my own choices and 99% of what happens in my life has to do with me. If I want something different I need to do something different.
I also have to accept that it's okay to feel empy and feel that void I feel without the need to fill it with something. I will continue to ask God to fill that void.
I had a using dream last night and it didn't scare me. I woke up thinking that I had some acceptance. I used and that was okay. I haven't sat through a meeting in a week and I am okay with that. My sponsor is not pushing me, which is really cool. I will get back in there, probably tomorrow, but I will not use.
I am finding some acceptance that I don't have to find "the one". I can enjoy who I am with right now and when God is ready for me to meet "the one" nothing on earth can change that. I must also accept, that just as some of us die from this disease, I may not find true love. I have to accept that I am in the position I am in due to my own choices and 99% of what happens in my life has to do with me. If I want something different I need to do something different.
I also have to accept that it's okay to feel empy and feel that void I feel without the need to fill it with something. I will continue to ask God to fill that void.
I had a using dream last night and it didn't scare me. I woke up thinking that I had some acceptance. I used and that was okay. I haven't sat through a meeting in a week and I am okay with that. My sponsor is not pushing me, which is really cool. I will get back in there, probably tomorrow, but I will not use.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Being a Whore
I have been sitting here rereading my posts over the past week. I cried myself to sleep last night and felt very alone and lonely and raw. I never did hear from boytoy. My sponsor suggested that if I felt that bad I may want to consider inviting the live-in back home. I told him that I didn't want to do that because it wasn't working. There was a general negative outlook in that relationship and a lack of intimacy. Inviting him back would be just to ease the pain.
I woke up this morning and still felt very raw and alone. I broke down and begged the live-in to come back home. Thank God, one of us has good sense. He said no. I hurt him and he is done, it is over. He told me that I made my decision and I have to live with it. He is right, but it really stung.
I laid in bed all morning until it was time to go to work. Igot up and got dressed and did my hair and make-up. I went to work and there is a new LP specialist at work and she is a bitch. I hated her immediately. I had told married man to come in and get a tour of the facility before he starts tomorrow. This was just an excuse. He came in and flirted. We left at the same time so I followed him down a back road and pulled over. He got into my car and kissed me. Oh my!!! Then he went home to his family and I was left alone.
I went to a sponsees house and then went grocery shopping with her. She told me to put all of my attention and focus on my children instead of these men. She was right, but I wasn't trying to feel it. I came home and cooked and Eric said he was coming to spend the night. This perked me up.
I went to a meeting tonight and after being there about 30 minutes Eric called me and text me to tell me that he had come by twice and I wasn't here so he drove back home. We ended up arguing and I asked him why he didn't tell me he was on the way and I would have ensured I was here. He said he was trying to surprise me. I was so angry and had a panicked feeling. He said he may come back tonight and said he may just stay tomorrow night. He is supposed to call me back and let me know either way.
Knowing me, I will let him come and then raise hell when he gets here. What I have come to realize is that I am sick. I have something wrong psychologically, mentally and emotionally. I am attention seeking and need to feel wanted and needed. I constantly need reassurance from someone else that I am okay and worthy. I don't know how to change this. I think it's time I get some real therapy.
I woke up this morning and still felt very raw and alone. I broke down and begged the live-in to come back home. Thank God, one of us has good sense. He said no. I hurt him and he is done, it is over. He told me that I made my decision and I have to live with it. He is right, but it really stung.
I laid in bed all morning until it was time to go to work. Igot up and got dressed and did my hair and make-up. I went to work and there is a new LP specialist at work and she is a bitch. I hated her immediately. I had told married man to come in and get a tour of the facility before he starts tomorrow. This was just an excuse. He came in and flirted. We left at the same time so I followed him down a back road and pulled over. He got into my car and kissed me. Oh my!!! Then he went home to his family and I was left alone.
I went to a sponsees house and then went grocery shopping with her. She told me to put all of my attention and focus on my children instead of these men. She was right, but I wasn't trying to feel it. I came home and cooked and Eric said he was coming to spend the night. This perked me up.
I went to a meeting tonight and after being there about 30 minutes Eric called me and text me to tell me that he had come by twice and I wasn't here so he drove back home. We ended up arguing and I asked him why he didn't tell me he was on the way and I would have ensured I was here. He said he was trying to surprise me. I was so angry and had a panicked feeling. He said he may come back tonight and said he may just stay tomorrow night. He is supposed to call me back and let me know either way.
Knowing me, I will let him come and then raise hell when he gets here. What I have come to realize is that I am sick. I have something wrong psychologically, mentally and emotionally. I am attention seeking and need to feel wanted and needed. I constantly need reassurance from someone else that I am okay and worthy. I don't know how to change this. I think it's time I get some real therapy.
Saturday, July 14, 2012
Alone and Lonely
It is 11:00pm on a Saturday night and I am sitting here feeling a weight on my heart. I just got off of the phone with my sponsor and he told me to make plans for tomorrow with one of my sponsees so I won't be isolating tomorrow. I don't want to. I don't feel like being social. I worked today and notice that I am really throwing myself into my job lately. There are a few reasons for that. First of all, it's a new job and it's a lot of work and I want to impress the powers that be. Secondly, I receive much attention from the guys as work and right now it is like a salve to my wounded ego. I walk around in a state of bliss all day long because I feel so wanted, powerful and desired. I also noticed yesterday that I have lost some weight and I have taken more care with my appearance since I've been working. This makes me feel better about myseslf. I am doing a new weight loss program, but I think the depression has more to do with the weight loss that anything I am intentionally doing.
Then it's time to come home and reality sets in. I am alone. Boytoy called when we got off of work today and said he wanted to spend the night tonight and I said okay. I was looking forward to it. Our original plan was for him to come over tomorrow night and stay and we would get up for work on Monday. I called several times when I didn't hear from him this evening and his phones are turned off. They keep going straight to voicemail. My feelings are hurt and I am angry. I picture him laid up with a girl somewhere with his phones off so they won't be disturbed. I can't believe he didn't have the decency to at least call or text and cancel. The only thing I really demand in a relationship is respect. Keep it 100 with me. Be honest, tell me what you want and I'll let you know if it's something I'm interested in. If you are seeing someone and just want someone on the side I can respect that for right now. But don't tell me you're single if you aren't. Keep it real. Be honest. If you want something on the side let me know so that I can do me and I am not sitting around waiting on your ass everyday. I was telling my sponsor that this is probably a good thing. I was telling him that I was starting to become consumed with Boytoy and that's not healthy for me either. When I put the live-in out I swore to myself that I am going to take time for me and not take another hostage or victim right now. It is better to end it now before I get in too deep. I know this logically, but I still keep checking my phone to see if it's working. I already know that when I talk to him tomorrow and hear his excuse I will let him come over. I have been daydreaming about him being here full time. I don't think I've ever really been alone in my life. I keep thinking I am going to be alone forever then it dawned on me that I've only been single a week and have already been with two men and had three sleep overs.
Let's talk about married man. I just got out of a four year relationship with a married man last year. I finally had to break it off because it left my spirit feeling very unsettled. I didn't want to continue to cause hurt or harm to him, his wife or myself. I swore that I would never get involved with a married man again. It's too painful and I am not the sort who likes to share. This guy is pretty smooth though.
I am not in any shape to be in a relationship. I need to be okay with being alone first. I need to be okay with me. I want a relationship for the joy, not because I am looking for an escape from loneliness.
Then it's time to come home and reality sets in. I am alone. Boytoy called when we got off of work today and said he wanted to spend the night tonight and I said okay. I was looking forward to it. Our original plan was for him to come over tomorrow night and stay and we would get up for work on Monday. I called several times when I didn't hear from him this evening and his phones are turned off. They keep going straight to voicemail. My feelings are hurt and I am angry. I picture him laid up with a girl somewhere with his phones off so they won't be disturbed. I can't believe he didn't have the decency to at least call or text and cancel. The only thing I really demand in a relationship is respect. Keep it 100 with me. Be honest, tell me what you want and I'll let you know if it's something I'm interested in. If you are seeing someone and just want someone on the side I can respect that for right now. But don't tell me you're single if you aren't. Keep it real. Be honest. If you want something on the side let me know so that I can do me and I am not sitting around waiting on your ass everyday. I was telling my sponsor that this is probably a good thing. I was telling him that I was starting to become consumed with Boytoy and that's not healthy for me either. When I put the live-in out I swore to myself that I am going to take time for me and not take another hostage or victim right now. It is better to end it now before I get in too deep. I know this logically, but I still keep checking my phone to see if it's working. I already know that when I talk to him tomorrow and hear his excuse I will let him come over. I have been daydreaming about him being here full time. I don't think I've ever really been alone in my life. I keep thinking I am going to be alone forever then it dawned on me that I've only been single a week and have already been with two men and had three sleep overs.
Let's talk about married man. I just got out of a four year relationship with a married man last year. I finally had to break it off because it left my spirit feeling very unsettled. I didn't want to continue to cause hurt or harm to him, his wife or myself. I swore that I would never get involved with a married man again. It's too painful and I am not the sort who likes to share. This guy is pretty smooth though.
I am not in any shape to be in a relationship. I need to be okay with being alone first. I need to be okay with me. I want a relationship for the joy, not because I am looking for an escape from loneliness.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Clean and Crazy
This week I have felt like I used. I have had the roller coaster of emotions and the crazy thinking. Thank God for a sponsor, a spiritual connection and a network!
When I asked the live in to move out on Monday it really hurt, but there were feelings of relief and hope as well. I went to a meeting. I sat in my feelings and I didn't act out. My sponsor listened to me cry during phone call after phone call. A sponsee came and got me and took me to a meeting. I cried a lot.
Monday I was sitting at work and felt like I was losing my mind. I wanted to use so badly that my skin was crawling and I threw up. All of my employees really cheered me up and having two young guys trying to hit on me was flattering to my ego. One of them, we'll call him boytoy number 1 is someone I went out with a couple of years ago and ran across him last week. I came home from work and could barely function. I cried and talked to my sponsor for hours. I went to a meeting and cried through the whole thing and I didn't use. Boytoy came over and spent the night and it felt good to get my thoughts and feelings off of the negative. The sex was incredible and he actually wanted to hold me while we fell asleep. I haven't felt that wanted in a long time.
Tuesday, I went to work and I cried. I was irritable and again, my employees cheered me up. I really throw myself into my work. Boytoy 1 cheered me up and kept me laughing every time I made a round on the floor. I came home and I cried. I went to a meeting and I stayed clean.
Wednesday was a day so full of anger that I am not sure how I made it through without self-destructing. I was irritable and even my hair hurt. I came home and went to a meeting and showed my ass at the meeting and cried through the whole meeting, but I didn't get high. After the meeting, I came home and got into it with my 15 year old and she took off and didn't come home all night. I was mentally and physically exhausted.
Today I didn't cry ALL day!! I had a great day at work and boytoy is coming to spend the night tonight and said he is taking my daughter and I out on Sunday and spending the night again. I am a little concerned. I don't want to get caught up with him. I don't trust him. I don't trust anyone. I don't want to get into another relationship. The problem? I want to spend more and more time with him and he is constantly on my mind. I keep telling my sponsor and myself that he is a nice distraction. I didn't use. Worrying about my daughter all night on top of everything else made me really sick physically and mentally. I was so grateful when I got home and saw that she had come home that nothing else mattered. Not a break up, not financial fear or fear of change. I realized while she was gone last night that the only thing that has been holding me together this week is her.
I am sure the roller coaster will continue, but I hope that it slows down! I know that no matter how I feel, I don't have to get high today!
When I asked the live in to move out on Monday it really hurt, but there were feelings of relief and hope as well. I went to a meeting. I sat in my feelings and I didn't act out. My sponsor listened to me cry during phone call after phone call. A sponsee came and got me and took me to a meeting. I cried a lot.
Monday I was sitting at work and felt like I was losing my mind. I wanted to use so badly that my skin was crawling and I threw up. All of my employees really cheered me up and having two young guys trying to hit on me was flattering to my ego. One of them, we'll call him boytoy number 1 is someone I went out with a couple of years ago and ran across him last week. I came home from work and could barely function. I cried and talked to my sponsor for hours. I went to a meeting and cried through the whole thing and I didn't use. Boytoy came over and spent the night and it felt good to get my thoughts and feelings off of the negative. The sex was incredible and he actually wanted to hold me while we fell asleep. I haven't felt that wanted in a long time.
Tuesday, I went to work and I cried. I was irritable and again, my employees cheered me up. I really throw myself into my work. Boytoy 1 cheered me up and kept me laughing every time I made a round on the floor. I came home and I cried. I went to a meeting and I stayed clean.
Wednesday was a day so full of anger that I am not sure how I made it through without self-destructing. I was irritable and even my hair hurt. I came home and went to a meeting and showed my ass at the meeting and cried through the whole meeting, but I didn't get high. After the meeting, I came home and got into it with my 15 year old and she took off and didn't come home all night. I was mentally and physically exhausted.
Today I didn't cry ALL day!! I had a great day at work and boytoy is coming to spend the night tonight and said he is taking my daughter and I out on Sunday and spending the night again. I am a little concerned. I don't want to get caught up with him. I don't trust him. I don't trust anyone. I don't want to get into another relationship. The problem? I want to spend more and more time with him and he is constantly on my mind. I keep telling my sponsor and myself that he is a nice distraction. I didn't use. Worrying about my daughter all night on top of everything else made me really sick physically and mentally. I was so grateful when I got home and saw that she had come home that nothing else mattered. Not a break up, not financial fear or fear of change. I realized while she was gone last night that the only thing that has been holding me together this week is her.
I am sure the roller coaster will continue, but I hope that it slows down! I know that no matter how I feel, I don't have to get high today!
Monday, July 9, 2012
Changes
Today has been the day from hell. Let me tell you what it's like being in the mind of an addict. Yesterday I finally told the live in that I'm done. I offered to move out and get an apartment because I know he has no where else to go. He told me not to worry about it and that he would leave. Within 15 minutes he was packed and gone. That went a little too easy and had me worried. I worried that he might come back and burn my house down.
I cried off and on all day yesterday and did not want to feel what I was feeling. I was determined not to invite a man over to distract me and I was going to feel my feelings and realize they would not kill me. I went to a meeting and shared last night that I know I will get through this.
A few years ago I met a man ten years younger than me and had a brief affair with him and we went our seperate ways. A few days ago I came into contact with him again. The spark was still there. I allowed him to sweet talk me and he ended up coming over the other night. He wanted to spend the night, but after incredible sex (younger men really have stamina!) I asked him to leave. He was pursuing me pretty hard.
I went to work today and when I opened my car door I knocked off the sideview mirror of a coworker. This man now works with me and I was so distracted today that my phone was ringing and I tried to answer the computer mouse. I couldn't control my tears.
This young man asked me to go swimming with him this afternoon and have a few drinks. Before I knew what happened I had agreed. As I walked away I began praying and arguing with myself. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was going to drink tonight. I text my sponsor and I called him and felt like I was losing my mind. I was so uncomfortable in my own skin. I had actually convinced myself that I am not an addict and I can live a normal life without recovery.
I couldn't handle the negativity of the live in and it was really affecting my spirit. But he is a good guy and I feel bad for hurting him. I really do pray that he finds peace. Although I wanted him to move out I am still feeling some feelings behind it. I am afraid. There is fear of financial insecurity and fear of being alone. I don't like change. Sometimes familiar pain is comfortable. At least we know the outcome. I have a great fear of the unknown.
I have been looking at men and trying to get outside of me. I don't want to get into another relationship, but can't seem to get this young man out of my mind. I don't know if it's him or if it's the fact I feel like I am looking for something to grasp onto so that I don't drown.
I cried off and on all day yesterday and did not want to feel what I was feeling. I was determined not to invite a man over to distract me and I was going to feel my feelings and realize they would not kill me. I went to a meeting and shared last night that I know I will get through this.
A few years ago I met a man ten years younger than me and had a brief affair with him and we went our seperate ways. A few days ago I came into contact with him again. The spark was still there. I allowed him to sweet talk me and he ended up coming over the other night. He wanted to spend the night, but after incredible sex (younger men really have stamina!) I asked him to leave. He was pursuing me pretty hard.
I went to work today and when I opened my car door I knocked off the sideview mirror of a coworker. This man now works with me and I was so distracted today that my phone was ringing and I tried to answer the computer mouse. I couldn't control my tears.
This young man asked me to go swimming with him this afternoon and have a few drinks. Before I knew what happened I had agreed. As I walked away I began praying and arguing with myself. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was going to drink tonight. I text my sponsor and I called him and felt like I was losing my mind. I was so uncomfortable in my own skin. I had actually convinced myself that I am not an addict and I can live a normal life without recovery.
I couldn't handle the negativity of the live in and it was really affecting my spirit. But he is a good guy and I feel bad for hurting him. I really do pray that he finds peace. Although I wanted him to move out I am still feeling some feelings behind it. I am afraid. There is fear of financial insecurity and fear of being alone. I don't like change. Sometimes familiar pain is comfortable. At least we know the outcome. I have a great fear of the unknown.
I have been looking at men and trying to get outside of me. I don't want to get into another relationship, but can't seem to get this young man out of my mind. I don't know if it's him or if it's the fact I feel like I am looking for something to grasp onto so that I don't drown.
Monday, May 7, 2012
Being Unfair
I was thinking about last night's post and how unfair I have been. I tend to portray my live-in in negative light. I have never extolled his virtues. That's what I will do here. Part of living with the disease of addiction is that I have skewed perceptions of things.
This man loves me unconditionally. He likes takes very good to 15 year old daughter to the point of spoiling her. He cooks, he cleans and he does all of the yard work (including planting flowers) and he does all of the vehicle maintenance. He works very hard and gives me most of his check. When I lost my job a few weeks ago, he picked up a second job without complaint. Okay, with very little complaint. I come and go as I please and he never questions me.
He really is a wonderful man in so many ways, if you exclude the phobia of intimacy. The question I have to ask myself is "Is all of this worth giving up intimacy for the unforseeable future?" I will continue to pray for that answer
This man loves me unconditionally. He likes takes very good to 15 year old daughter to the point of spoiling her. He cooks, he cleans and he does all of the yard work (including planting flowers) and he does all of the vehicle maintenance. He works very hard and gives me most of his check. When I lost my job a few weeks ago, he picked up a second job without complaint. Okay, with very little complaint. I come and go as I please and he never questions me.
He really is a wonderful man in so many ways, if you exclude the phobia of intimacy. The question I have to ask myself is "Is all of this worth giving up intimacy for the unforseeable future?" I will continue to pray for that answer
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Anti-Climax
I can feel completey satisfied and fullfilled after sex even without an orgasm. I have had only a few orgasms from sex in my entire life. The reason for this train of thought?
My live-in is terrible in bed and I only feel frustrated after sex. He thinks he's being "Gangsta" but he's actually inconsiderate. There is no foreplay. He says "I'm naked" or just climbs on top. I have made suggested and have talked to him about it, but we are unable to come to any compromise. The problem is that he doesn't care about sex at all. He wants sex once a week at night, in the dark, in 1 of 3 positions to choose from. I try to introduce new things. I try to tell him what I need and explain to him what I want. It ends up with him being defensive and him telling me all I think about it sex and that makes me feel as if I am a pervert. He said that there's more to a relationship than sex and I agree. But sex IS part of a relationship and it should be satisfying. I don't have to climax to feel satisfied. What I am looking for is intimacy. There is no intimacy in our relationship. We don't hug, kiss or snuggle. We don't even sit together to watch TV because he hates TV.
It has affected me to the point that I am feeling rejected and I am considering having an affair. I do know that the feelings of rejection and inadequacy have more to do with being abandoned as a child that his turning down sex. I have talked about it with my sponsor and with a couple of people in my network and I have talked about it in meetings. I don't think that I can marry him at this point. I have even considered kicking him out.
It's about so much more than sex. I try to be very positive. I try to live a spiritual life. For every positive thing I say he has three negatives. We don't agree on anything and he doesn't seem to see anything wrong with that or want to get better. I am used to being around other people who are trying to better themselves.
My live-in is terrible in bed and I only feel frustrated after sex. He thinks he's being "Gangsta" but he's actually inconsiderate. There is no foreplay. He says "I'm naked" or just climbs on top. I have made suggested and have talked to him about it, but we are unable to come to any compromise. The problem is that he doesn't care about sex at all. He wants sex once a week at night, in the dark, in 1 of 3 positions to choose from. I try to introduce new things. I try to tell him what I need and explain to him what I want. It ends up with him being defensive and him telling me all I think about it sex and that makes me feel as if I am a pervert. He said that there's more to a relationship than sex and I agree. But sex IS part of a relationship and it should be satisfying. I don't have to climax to feel satisfied. What I am looking for is intimacy. There is no intimacy in our relationship. We don't hug, kiss or snuggle. We don't even sit together to watch TV because he hates TV.
It has affected me to the point that I am feeling rejected and I am considering having an affair. I do know that the feelings of rejection and inadequacy have more to do with being abandoned as a child that his turning down sex. I have talked about it with my sponsor and with a couple of people in my network and I have talked about it in meetings. I don't think that I can marry him at this point. I have even considered kicking him out.
It's about so much more than sex. I try to be very positive. I try to live a spiritual life. For every positive thing I say he has three negatives. We don't agree on anything and he doesn't seem to see anything wrong with that or want to get better. I am used to being around other people who are trying to better themselves.
Friday, April 20, 2012
Working the Steps
I have had several sponsors over the years and I have been working with the same sponsor for the past two years. I have been sitting on the 6th Step for the past 9 months and felt a little stuck.My sponsor and I have completely different schedules and we have had some difficulty getting together. Something always seems to come up with one of us.
There is a guy in the program with 21 years clean. I really respect his clean time and recovery and I have asked him to work steps with me. It has been amazing. He doesn't give me an assignment and send me home to do it. The literature says that we work actively with a sponsor. If I am writing the steps myself it is more like self-help. We stick to the literature and focus on all of the spiritual principles in the steps. When I see him at meetings he questions me about definitions. When I demonstrate solid knowledge of the step we move ahead to the next step.
To be honest, with my clean time I didn't think there was much he could teach me about the steps, but I wanted to learn about spirituality from him. I have been openminded and am amazed to see the steps in a whole new light!
There is a guy in the program with 21 years clean. I really respect his clean time and recovery and I have asked him to work steps with me. It has been amazing. He doesn't give me an assignment and send me home to do it. The literature says that we work actively with a sponsor. If I am writing the steps myself it is more like self-help. We stick to the literature and focus on all of the spiritual principles in the steps. When I see him at meetings he questions me about definitions. When I demonstrate solid knowledge of the step we move ahead to the next step.
To be honest, with my clean time I didn't think there was much he could teach me about the steps, but I wanted to learn about spirituality from him. I have been openminded and am amazed to see the steps in a whole new light!
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Letter to my Daughter
My dearest daughter,
I can't help but notice you turning into an exceptional young woman right before my eyes! You simply amaze me each and every day with your beauty and your sense of humor. I have been thinking a lot lately about the things I have learned in life and what I would want you to know. It is difficult to sum it all up in a letter but I am going to try.
First and foremost, I want to say that I love you beyond belief. I never realized it was possible to love someone so fiercely and unconditionally until I had children. You were the most amazingly beautiful baby I had ever seen. You were so very tiny that you fit in the palm of your daddy's hand. Because you were so premature you had to stay in the hospital for two months. Leaving the hospital without you was the hardest thing I ever had to do. You fought for your life baby girl. You are strong and you are a survivor. You were 3.3 pounds and we weren't sure you were going to make it. We aren't sure why you arrived two months early, but you were ready to greet the world.
I have watched you grow and change so much in 15 short years. You were a quiet baby and always quick with a smile. I wanted to keep you small and innocent for as long as I could. I began to work two jobs and you spent most of that time with your grandmother and her friends. You went from a toddler to a little old lady very quickly. You didn't play much with toys or use your imagination. You seemed content just sitting still and watching the world go by.
Out of all four of my children you are the only one I managed to keep with me. What a pleasure and a terror it was!!The please is in watching you grow and mature and develop your own personality. The terror comes when I think about how much like me you truly are! I know you hate to hear about how much alike we are, but I see myself in you. Let me tell you how…
I see how you attract attention from young men and your face just lights up. That’s not a bad thing, but I see you seeking attention from people much like I have done my entire life. Your worth is in who you are on the inside and in your relationship with God. I used to think my only worth was between my legs or what I could buy or do for someone. I found my sense of worth in what I believed others thought of me. Today I am learning to like myself and know that I have value simply because I am a child of God.
I witness how much you internalize your feelings and have a difficult time expressing yourself. I feel responsible for that because I never taught you how to express yourself and never heard you the times you tried. I am listening now baby. Don’t keep all of those feelings bottled up inside of you. They will keep you sick. Remember, we are only as sick as our secrets.
For many years I stayed locked in active addiction because I didn’t like who I was. I felt like I didn’t fit in or measure up. I felt like I wasn’t good enough and I was uncomfortable in my own skin. I didn’t know how to express anything except joy and anger. Everything I felt came out as anger. It was a defense mechanism for me. I didn’t know how to express feeling inadequate, guilt, shame, or how to express feeling inadequate or lonely. I just wanted someone to love me and accept me for who I was.
I may not express it often, but I love you for who you are and I am so proud of you. You are a wonderful young lady and I pray that you know that and that you know in your heart that you are just as God means you to be.
Staying Still
I was on my way to a meeting the other day and I was talking to my sponsor about the fact that we are both looking for jobs. I was wound up and thinking of all of the places I could send my resume and wondering how we are going to survive financially. My sponsor told me she was worried about her situation because she knows she is in the care of. She knows God will see to all of her needs and place her where she needs to be. Her advice to me? "Be still." I need to allow God to work in my life and quit getting in His way. Things are already all worked out. It's okay on the otherside and all I have to do is take God's hand and walk through it.
I have tried to be still. Don't get me wrong; I am not sitting on the couch eating bon bons waiting for God to deliver a job to my front door. I am doing my part. I am putting in applications and getting my resume out there. I am showing up for interviews and asking God to let my inner light shine. True surrender is putting in the footwork and allowing God to determine the outcome. All I need to do is find acceptance with the outcome.
When I look back over my life I know that God has never abandoned me. He has been here all along. He never tested me or punished me. When I or someone else in my life acted on self-will and it caused me pain God carried me through those times and brought me comfort. God will do for me what I can't do for myself, but He will not do for me what I can do for myself. I have never done without what I needed. I may do without some things I want sometimes, but all of my basic needs have always been met. I have prayed for things I thought I wanted and then had to pray for them to be removed because I couldn't handle them. I need to let God bring me to whatever it is He knows I can handle.
I have tried to be still. Don't get me wrong; I am not sitting on the couch eating bon bons waiting for God to deliver a job to my front door. I am doing my part. I am putting in applications and getting my resume out there. I am showing up for interviews and asking God to let my inner light shine. True surrender is putting in the footwork and allowing God to determine the outcome. All I need to do is find acceptance with the outcome.
When I look back over my life I know that God has never abandoned me. He has been here all along. He never tested me or punished me. When I or someone else in my life acted on self-will and it caused me pain God carried me through those times and brought me comfort. God will do for me what I can't do for myself, but He will not do for me what I can do for myself. I have never done without what I needed. I may do without some things I want sometimes, but all of my basic needs have always been met. I have prayed for things I thought I wanted and then had to pray for them to be removed because I couldn't handle them. I need to let God bring me to whatever it is He knows I can handle.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Reservations and Amends
February 19, 2012
Today's meditation was about reservations in our program. What I have come to understand about myself is that I make it through trauma just fine. I got through a divorce, the start of two new relationships, the end of a relationship, the death of my mother and the loss of several jobs in recovery. What I have trouble with are my day to day feelings and the small irritations of living life on life's terms. I know that without a shadow of a doubt I can make it through anything clean.
This week my dad called me to tell me that my mom was not only diagnosed with breast cancer, but already had a masectomy and couple of weeks ago. I had no idea. They didn't want to tell me because they felt that with the diagnoses of diabetes and getting laid off it might be too much for me to handle. They thought I was too fragile. One thing I most certainly am not is fragile. I guess they would not know that since I hide so much from them and they know next to nothing about me or my life. It did upset me, but not unreasonably so. I did mention to my sponsor that my mother is an amends I have yet to make and I don't know how or if I am ready. I am willing and know that I owe one, but can't get past the thought that it won't change anything. I desire a relationship with this woman who opened her home and her heart to me. I get so upset with myself for throwing it all away and not seeing it for what it was....a gift from God. I didn't know how to get past the hurt, anger, resentment and fear the abandonment from my birth mother caused. I didn't know how to let go of the pain and embrace the life they were giving me. I knew nothing of acceptance and feel like I wasn't capable of it at the time. My behavior, attitude and perceptions caused irreparable damage to this relationship. My need to find answers and to not only seek out my birth mother, but to be dishonest about it severed any relationship that may have been had. I was so self-centered and consumed in my own pain that I never thought about the pain I was causing her. I was so caught up in my own resentment and expectations that I didn't recognize hers. I can see things more clearly now and fear it's too late.
I am not responsible for how she receives my amends. My only job is to make it without expectations of the outcome. I am not sure how to make amends without trying to explain and justify my behavior. Another stumbling block in my amends is the fact that I am still so financially dependent on them and one of the things that upsets her is that I haven't grown up. I believe that until I become financially responsible I will not be able to make proper amends. I owe them more than I could ever repay them.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Letter to my Son
Dear Son,
When I found out I was pregnant with you I was so overjoyed. Finally, I would have a family of my own that no one could take away from me. A child to love unconditionally and who would love me without conditions. I would lay awake at night and plan your future and wonder what you would look like as a toddler, a teenager, an adult. What would you be? I was going to love you and make you feel safe and secure and give you the life that I never had.
Very quickly, reality showed up. I wanted to show you so much love, but didn’t know how. I was 21 and immature and had no idea what love was aside from fairy tale love I had read about in books. I didn't have knowledge of or experience with perseverance, gentleness, loving kindness, patience, tolerance or selflessness. I didn't know it at the time, but I didn't love myself. What I have learned over time in recovery is that if I don't love myself I can't truly love another human being.
I had these romantic visions of your dad and I getting married and us being a family and raising the All-American son together. We were going to be a team and never make all of the mistakes our parents made. That didn't work out the way I had anticipated and I felt let down, frightened and angry. I had only known your dad a few months when I got pregnant with you and I had just run away to North Carolina from Pennsylvania. I didn't know what to do as a single mother and I seemed to be lacking that natural nurturing instinct all mothers seem to have. I saw it as failure that I had to move back in with mawmaw and pawpaw. I wish I had seen it an the opportunity it was. I didn't have your dad as support, but God gave me a whole support system under the same roof, but I didn't see it that way. Something has always been a little off with my perception of things. I began to take out all of my frustration and anger out on you.
I always worked hard and provided for you and Diamond financially. You two were the best dressed kids in town. You had all of the new Jordan's as soon as they came out and the two of you had more gold than most adults I knew. I worked two jobs so that I could give you everything you wanted. You see, I wanted you to look well cared for on the outside so that no one would know what a horrible mother I was. I gave you everything you asked for. We bought a nice, brand new mobile home. Poppop Mark gave us a brand new car and we looked good. What I couldn't give you was a piece of me. I couldn't give you my time and attention, affection and nurturing. I loved you so much sometimes it made my chest so tight it hurt. I just wanted to squeeze you and never let go.
Many parents teach their children and encourage growth and creativity. I did not. I demanded conformity although I have always rebelled against societal norms and expectations. I was more of a prison warden than a mother.
When you began exhibiting rage and expressed difficulty with impulse control I didn’t know what to do. It seemed as if we entered into a power struggle and neither of us knew how to ask for what we wanted and neither of us knew how to express our rage and frustration through anything but violence.
I apologize for not setting a good example for how to express my emotions and how to have healthy relationships. I think by the time I finally got clean, entered the program and began to recover you were already so set in your beliefs and behaviors. It’s never too late to reach for your dreams. I have been taught in Narcotics Anonymous that once we begin to recover lost dreams reawaken. I become sad when we talk, because sometimes I believe you don’t have any dreams. I don’t see you living life baby. I see you existing and getting through each day.
You have so much going for you. I you are so smart and quick to learn things that interest you. You have a heart of gold and a wonderful sense of humor. You are handsome and creative. Baby don’t let all of that go to waste. You can and will be a productive member of society. You have so much to give and can really make a difference in the lives of people around you. You would be excellent working with young boys who are going through what you have been through. You could help children who have been victims of domestic violence and work with children whose parents are addicts.
I can in no way take back all of the harm and pain I have caused you, but I sincerely hope that you will be able to do something positive with the pain. There is so much I would do differently if I could do it all over again. I love you so much and want the best for you. You are only confined by the limitations of your own mind.
I love you son and I want you to dream and set goals and strive for them. Believe in yourself and believe in the good in the people around you. Lean on God and know that He covers you and allow Him to guide your footsteps each and every day.
Always know that I did the best I could with what I had at the moment. I am just sorry that my best was not good enough. I have grown up with you and I feel such a bond with you because we are so much alike. You are my first born and my only son and I love you with a fierceness I never could have imagined. I believe in myself today, but more importantly, I believe in you!
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Facing Feelings
I thouroughly enjoyed the Just For Today meditation for today. As a child, my feelings felt so incredibly intense. It always felt likea heavily weighted wet blanket smothering me. I wanted to run from my feelings but I didn't not know how. I didn't know how to feel them either so I lashed out at everyone around me.
Today I may not like what I feel at times, but I know how to sit still and feel it. I have to remind myself sometimes that it's okay to feel my feelings. They are not facts and can't hurt me. When good things happen I can sit back and enjoy them rather than try feel even better or control how long I will feel good. When I am feeling what I perceive to be negative feelings, I remind myself that they will pass.
Today I don't strive for perfection. I did that very early in recovery and I almost used again when I began to beat myself up for failing. I am okay with simply doing my best most days. Somedays I don't even do my best. I expected the program to fix my mood immediately when I followed a suggestion. When I prayed I thought of it an an opiate. Within 20 minutes I should feel all better. If I made a meeting, talked to my sponsor or wrote on a step I shouldn't feel bad anymore. What I have realized is that I can't use the program to change my mood the way the dope did. Overall, when I follow suggestions and stayed prayed up and spiritaully fit Ihave less of a difficult time getting through the tough things. Early in recovery it was about cleaning up the wreckage. These days is't about not creating more.
Today I may not like what I feel at times, but I know how to sit still and feel it. I have to remind myself sometimes that it's okay to feel my feelings. They are not facts and can't hurt me. When good things happen I can sit back and enjoy them rather than try feel even better or control how long I will feel good. When I am feeling what I perceive to be negative feelings, I remind myself that they will pass.
Today I don't strive for perfection. I did that very early in recovery and I almost used again when I began to beat myself up for failing. I am okay with simply doing my best most days. Somedays I don't even do my best. I expected the program to fix my mood immediately when I followed a suggestion. When I prayed I thought of it an an opiate. Within 20 minutes I should feel all better. If I made a meeting, talked to my sponsor or wrote on a step I shouldn't feel bad anymore. What I have realized is that I can't use the program to change my mood the way the dope did. Overall, when I follow suggestions and stayed prayed up and spiritaully fit Ihave less of a difficult time getting through the tough things. Early in recovery it was about cleaning up the wreckage. These days is't about not creating more.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
The Dissatisfaction of an Addict
It seems as if I have spent my entire life being dissatisfied. Most addicts I know are. It takes being vigilant in our program of recovery and a solid relationship with God to accept things just the way they are. No matter what or how much I have I always seem to want more. I set goals for myself and as soon as I reach that goal I am unhappy with what I have and set my sights on something else.
I don't know if it has anything to do with being an addict or if it is human nature. I have a wonderful man but I want a better one. I have a great job, but I want one that brings more satisfaction. I got a new car in April and now it's time for another one. Why can't I ever just sit back and relax and accept what
I have?
I don't know if it has anything to do with being an addict or if it is human nature. I have a wonderful man but I want a better one. I have a great job, but I want one that brings more satisfaction. I got a new car in April and now it's time for another one. Why can't I ever just sit back and relax and accept what
I have?
Saturday, March 17, 2012
A job versus a Career
In December I was laid off from a job I loved very much. It broke my heart. One of my clients found out I was being laid off and offered me a job immediately. I was so grateful. I took a little over a dollar pay cut, but was so happy to have a job. It was a company I have worked for before. It is a great company and I couldn't ask for a nicer group of people or a more appreciative boss. God is good and in recovery I am learning about responsibilty, accountability and committment.
I absolutely hate my job! It is so boring and definately not challenging. I enter data into a computer all day and call doctor's offices and proof personalized orders. I can watch movies and read books at work while I work and still maintain the highest production in our whole group. The fact that I hate my job makes me feel like an ingrate. I believe that we lose the things we aren't grateful for and I don't want to lose my job. I am looking for another job.
I want a challenge. I want a job I wake up and look forward to going to everyday. A job that makes me feel like I have a purpose. I want to feel like I am giving back and helping people. The job I have now doesn't give me a sense of satisfaction. I want a career, not just a mindless job that I go to everyday in order to get a paycheck to give away to bill collectors. It gives me the feeling I had in active addiction of just surviving, existing, not living. I don't like that feeling at all. I don't feel fulfilled.
The thing is, I beat myself up for the choices I have made, I am living the consequences of choices I have made. I dropped out/ was kicked out of college due to active addiction and once I got clean and decided to return it was difficult. I have to work full time and have four children and money is very limited and my credit is trashed. I can only go part time and have realized it will take me forever to get my degree. My dream would be to get back into staffing or return to working with people with mental illness. I would love to work with other recovering addicts. I have experience with all of this, but
I don't have a degree. Most places want people with a college degree.
I am not going to give up hope and right now I have to find and pray for some acceptance. I am grateful to have the job I have and I will continue to look for something else. I will also keep going to with the long process of school in hopes of things changing. I know God won't let me down.
I absolutely hate my job! It is so boring and definately not challenging. I enter data into a computer all day and call doctor's offices and proof personalized orders. I can watch movies and read books at work while I work and still maintain the highest production in our whole group. The fact that I hate my job makes me feel like an ingrate. I believe that we lose the things we aren't grateful for and I don't want to lose my job. I am looking for another job.
I want a challenge. I want a job I wake up and look forward to going to everyday. A job that makes me feel like I have a purpose. I want to feel like I am giving back and helping people. The job I have now doesn't give me a sense of satisfaction. I want a career, not just a mindless job that I go to everyday in order to get a paycheck to give away to bill collectors. It gives me the feeling I had in active addiction of just surviving, existing, not living. I don't like that feeling at all. I don't feel fulfilled.
The thing is, I beat myself up for the choices I have made, I am living the consequences of choices I have made. I dropped out/ was kicked out of college due to active addiction and once I got clean and decided to return it was difficult. I have to work full time and have four children and money is very limited and my credit is trashed. I can only go part time and have realized it will take me forever to get my degree. My dream would be to get back into staffing or return to working with people with mental illness. I would love to work with other recovering addicts. I have experience with all of this, but
I don't have a degree. Most places want people with a college degree.
I am not going to give up hope and right now I have to find and pray for some acceptance. I am grateful to have the job I have and I will continue to look for something else. I will also keep going to with the long process of school in hopes of things changing. I know God won't let me down.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Getting High
Addicts are the people that spend all day trying to get one more and then we have to walk around and pretend we aren't high. I was an opiate addict and I spent hours and hours thinking of ways to con doctor's out of scripts and then getting high. The goal is to achieve the perfect high. That perfect balance of feeling numb, feeling as if you are wrapped in a floating cloud with the sun lightly kissing your face. The problem is that as an addict, I reach that if I reach that high I feel like "Just one more" ought to really make me feel better. It took me years to realize that there is no such thing as the perfect high. There is no magic combination to achieve this Heavenly feeling once we are in the grip of the disease. You see, onceI take that "one more" I have tipped the scale of high to completely fucked up and sick.
Once reaching this point, I am nauseated and vomiting, sweating and shaking and my muscles and bones feel like jello on a stick. I would get high to get numb and not feel anything or have to think. What happened in reality is that my bodu would go into a nod and feel cozy and numb, but my mind would race a million miles a minute. I couldn't hold a thought and none of them made sense. As I bend over the toilet puking I am alternating between swearing that I am never going to do this again thinking that I just have to tweak the dosage a bit.
Here's another kicker...I am bent over holding my stomach, alternating between nodding and puking and am shaking, hungry and horny. Let me tell you, there is nothing sexier than a sweating, vomiting, incoherent chick who wants to fuck right? Isn't that a pretty picture?
We sleep and then get up and do it all over again. In active addiction I needed downers at night to slow my mind down and knock me out and then something in the morning to get me going. Then I had to maintain that energy all day.
Thank God I don't have to live that way today. Today I experience a sense of freedom. I still have trouble sleeping at night and am often tired during the day. I have to take naps and meditate. I have been to my doctor and he told me that if I quit smoking and lose weight I would pick up energy and be able to sleep naturally. Who would have thought?
Once reaching this point, I am nauseated and vomiting, sweating and shaking and my muscles and bones feel like jello on a stick. I would get high to get numb and not feel anything or have to think. What happened in reality is that my bodu would go into a nod and feel cozy and numb, but my mind would race a million miles a minute. I couldn't hold a thought and none of them made sense. As I bend over the toilet puking I am alternating between swearing that I am never going to do this again thinking that I just have to tweak the dosage a bit.
Here's another kicker...I am bent over holding my stomach, alternating between nodding and puking and am shaking, hungry and horny. Let me tell you, there is nothing sexier than a sweating, vomiting, incoherent chick who wants to fuck right? Isn't that a pretty picture?
We sleep and then get up and do it all over again. In active addiction I needed downers at night to slow my mind down and knock me out and then something in the morning to get me going. Then I had to maintain that energy all day.
Thank God I don't have to live that way today. Today I experience a sense of freedom. I still have trouble sleeping at night and am often tired during the day. I have to take naps and meditate. I have been to my doctor and he told me that if I quit smoking and lose weight I would pick up energy and be able to sleep naturally. Who would have thought?
Saturday, February 25, 2012
5 Year Reflection
Today is the anniversary of my clean date. Five years clean today!! Addicts sit and reflect on their anniversary just like anyone else would reflect around their birthday. How far have I come? Why am I not futher than where I am? Have I been putting enough work in?
I am sitting comfortably in my livingroom while my three daughters are asleep in their bedrooms and even the dog is snoring peacefully. We moved into the house two weeks ago and are finally in a safe neighborhood. My girls could play outside today without the threat of gunfire. My life hasn't always been this serene.
Two of my sleeping daughters don't live with me. They live with their father and I get them every other weekend. The gift of recovery is that I am a part of their lives today. I have given much thought lately of their father. I divorced him in my first year of recovery. He is also an addict and his addiction drug us to the depths of hell. Through living with him I realized that some people's bottoms had trap doors. It took $10,000 and a 13 month prison sentence for him for me to get away. Today he is remarried to his fourth wife,involved in church and an excellent father. We were best friends, but terrible together. It felt like two little kids trying to play grown up. I have missed him some lately. In typical fashion, my disease tells me that the highs were so wonderful that I could withstand the lows that the marriage brought with it. I have a disease that tells me I don't have a disease, one that tells me that things "weren't that bad."
I also have a 16 year old son. He lives with my sister and step-father. I am unable to handle his mood swings and his defiant behavior. He was diagnosed with childhood onset on Bipolar disorder and I truly believe that much of the problem is the lifestyle I exposed him too and the abuse I inflicted upon him. He glorifies the life that I tried to take him out of. I have come to realize that the lifestyle is as addictive as getting high. If the drugs don't kill you, the lifestyle will.
I work for a temp agency. I was a staffing specialist who found people jobs and I was good at what I did and truly loved it. I was laid off two months ago and now work at data entry at one of the companies I used to staff for. It was quite a blow. The blessing in all of this is that I am employable today and maintain some job stability. This company thought enough of me and my work that they made a position for me when they found out I was getting laid off.
The live in proposed to me right before Valentine's Day and we then moved out of the apartment we were in. Everything seems to be coming together. I am searching to understand my Higher Power and it seems as if I am being led back to the God of my childhood. The same one I tried to rebel against. Along the way, God has placed important people in my life. There is a co-worker from the staffing agency whom I have come to love like a sister. I miss her so much. I don't get to see her now that we don't work together, but I know god placed her in my life for a reason. She has shown me what unconditional love is all about. I have four crazy wonderful children. I have an insane but lving man in my life and great friends. My sponsor has helped me grow and heal so much.
I have come a long way in five years. I may not be where I could be. I may not be where I should be, but at least I am not where I used to be!
I am sitting comfortably in my livingroom while my three daughters are asleep in their bedrooms and even the dog is snoring peacefully. We moved into the house two weeks ago and are finally in a safe neighborhood. My girls could play outside today without the threat of gunfire. My life hasn't always been this serene.
Two of my sleeping daughters don't live with me. They live with their father and I get them every other weekend. The gift of recovery is that I am a part of their lives today. I have given much thought lately of their father. I divorced him in my first year of recovery. He is also an addict and his addiction drug us to the depths of hell. Through living with him I realized that some people's bottoms had trap doors. It took $10,000 and a 13 month prison sentence for him for me to get away. Today he is remarried to his fourth wife,involved in church and an excellent father. We were best friends, but terrible together. It felt like two little kids trying to play grown up. I have missed him some lately. In typical fashion, my disease tells me that the highs were so wonderful that I could withstand the lows that the marriage brought with it. I have a disease that tells me I don't have a disease, one that tells me that things "weren't that bad."
I also have a 16 year old son. He lives with my sister and step-father. I am unable to handle his mood swings and his defiant behavior. He was diagnosed with childhood onset on Bipolar disorder and I truly believe that much of the problem is the lifestyle I exposed him too and the abuse I inflicted upon him. He glorifies the life that I tried to take him out of. I have come to realize that the lifestyle is as addictive as getting high. If the drugs don't kill you, the lifestyle will.
I work for a temp agency. I was a staffing specialist who found people jobs and I was good at what I did and truly loved it. I was laid off two months ago and now work at data entry at one of the companies I used to staff for. It was quite a blow. The blessing in all of this is that I am employable today and maintain some job stability. This company thought enough of me and my work that they made a position for me when they found out I was getting laid off.
The live in proposed to me right before Valentine's Day and we then moved out of the apartment we were in. Everything seems to be coming together. I am searching to understand my Higher Power and it seems as if I am being led back to the God of my childhood. The same one I tried to rebel against. Along the way, God has placed important people in my life. There is a co-worker from the staffing agency whom I have come to love like a sister. I miss her so much. I don't get to see her now that we don't work together, but I know god placed her in my life for a reason. She has shown me what unconditional love is all about. I have four crazy wonderful children. I have an insane but lving man in my life and great friends. My sponsor has helped me grow and heal so much.
I have come a long way in five years. I may not be where I could be. I may not be where I should be, but at least I am not where I used to be!
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Feeling are not Facts
I am coming to learn that when I am feeling something that I perceive as negative, it usually has nothing to do with what is going on at the present moment. I am either reliving feelings from a past event or fearing a future event.
Yesterday I tried to cajole my live in to have sex in the middle of the day and he turned me down. He doesn't have the sex drive I have. I know it's him and his issues but I was able to convey to him that when he says no, I feel rejected.
Last night I shared at a celebration that after I was adopted I couldn't figure out what was wrong with my that my new daddy didn't sneak into my room at night and touch me. I thought, from prior experience that it was want all men wanted and my ability to let them use my body was my purpose. It dawned on the this afternoon that when my father failed to molest me, I felt rejected. Now when the llive-in say no I am reliving all of the feelings of being rejected, less than and not good enough from 25 years ago.
Yesterday I tried to cajole my live in to have sex in the middle of the day and he turned me down. He doesn't have the sex drive I have. I know it's him and his issues but I was able to convey to him that when he says no, I feel rejected.
Last night I shared at a celebration that after I was adopted I couldn't figure out what was wrong with my that my new daddy didn't sneak into my room at night and touch me. I thought, from prior experience that it was want all men wanted and my ability to let them use my body was my purpose. It dawned on the this afternoon that when my father failed to molest me, I felt rejected. Now when the llive-in say no I am reliving all of the feelings of being rejected, less than and not good enough from 25 years ago.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Women DO Recover!
I had the honor of being asked to share tonight at a celebration. One member was celebrating 17 years and the other gentleman was celebrating 4 years. There were two of us women sharing and I had asked the other one to go first. I am a walking contradiction. I want to isolate, but I want you to come hold my hand while I do it. I want to be the center of attention but don't want anyone to look at me or listen to me. I was nervous to get up and tell my story. I wanted to focus on recovery.
I heard another addict share the other night and she was a little graphic in her story. I am the last one to judge how another addict shares. I believe in keeping it raw and sharing the truth, no matter what people think. For the first time, I saw how the audience reacted. While she was sharing about her sexual expoits the men in the room were smiling and giggling and making jokes. I have come to understand that people want to hear the juicy stories, we want entertainment. We want the gritty details. And while these things help us to relate and are a means of identification we sometimes take so long telling what things were like that time runs out before we get into our recovery.
Women are at the distinct disadvantage of being stereotyped in recovery. Men know that many women prostituted themselves for their next high. Women come in with low self-esteem seeking acceptance and self-worth. We come in without dignity, self-respect and integrity. I know when I got here I thought all of the men were about recovery and took what they said in a meeting at face value. I didn't realize there were predators in the rooms. I have seen both male and female predators.
Tonight I had a chance to talk about the fact that men need to respect women in recovery and give us the same chance to recover. "Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all of our traditions." Our literature says that this means "bearing no name". We are all equal. Sometimes we are not treated equally in recovery.
I also had a chance to talk about how God has worked in my life. I slept with a man the first four years of my recovery and I learned a lot and that relationship probably kept me clean until I built my own foundation. However, this man was married and about a year and a half ago his wife came into the rooms. After the first year of seeing her in meetings I began to become unsettled in my spirit and knew I could no longer continue to affair. I ended it and I was open and honest with her and I made amends. We have since talked about it and she is one of the people I feel a close bond with today. Tonight she was the one who introduced me and it was a wonderful feeling. I was able to talk about my experience without getting specific and without making her uncomfortable. God has shown me Grace, Mercy and taught me about forgiveness through this woman. Today I am learning to practice integrity and dignity.
Thank God and Jimmy K. for helping me develop a life worth living!
I heard another addict share the other night and she was a little graphic in her story. I am the last one to judge how another addict shares. I believe in keeping it raw and sharing the truth, no matter what people think. For the first time, I saw how the audience reacted. While she was sharing about her sexual expoits the men in the room were smiling and giggling and making jokes. I have come to understand that people want to hear the juicy stories, we want entertainment. We want the gritty details. And while these things help us to relate and are a means of identification we sometimes take so long telling what things were like that time runs out before we get into our recovery.
Women are at the distinct disadvantage of being stereotyped in recovery. Men know that many women prostituted themselves for their next high. Women come in with low self-esteem seeking acceptance and self-worth. We come in without dignity, self-respect and integrity. I know when I got here I thought all of the men were about recovery and took what they said in a meeting at face value. I didn't realize there were predators in the rooms. I have seen both male and female predators.
Tonight I had a chance to talk about the fact that men need to respect women in recovery and give us the same chance to recover. "Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all of our traditions." Our literature says that this means "bearing no name". We are all equal. Sometimes we are not treated equally in recovery.
I also had a chance to talk about how God has worked in my life. I slept with a man the first four years of my recovery and I learned a lot and that relationship probably kept me clean until I built my own foundation. However, this man was married and about a year and a half ago his wife came into the rooms. After the first year of seeing her in meetings I began to become unsettled in my spirit and knew I could no longer continue to affair. I ended it and I was open and honest with her and I made amends. We have since talked about it and she is one of the people I feel a close bond with today. Tonight she was the one who introduced me and it was a wonderful feeling. I was able to talk about my experience without getting specific and without making her uncomfortable. God has shown me Grace, Mercy and taught me about forgiveness through this woman. Today I am learning to practice integrity and dignity.
Thank God and Jimmy K. for helping me develop a life worth living!
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
I didn't want to welcome the newcomer
H.A.L.T. The program teaches us not to let ourselves get too hungry, angry, lonely and tired.
I have been feeling slightly irritable for the past few days. Today it escalated. I have been cranky and sleepy and just wanted to lay in bed. I went to a meeting tonight because that's where I needed to be. In walks this newcomer woman. She's late which instantly pisses me off. Because she is new she doesn't know the protocol for being quiet while people are sharing. She's smiling and laughing and talking and frankly, doesn't look desperate for help.
I do not have the right to judge someone else's desire to get clean. I can not even judge if someone else is an addict. I know we don't get to the rooms for singing too loud in the choir. I reach out to newcomers who look beat down and who come across like they sincerely want help. I even love to reach out to the angry newcomer because that is someone I can relate to.
I ended up sniper sharing. That is when a person shares directly at or about another addict in the meeting and it is frowned upon. I acted like I was sharing about a sponsee who thinks she knows everything but was really sharing at the new girl to sit down and shut the fuck up. If we want to know how to get high we will ask you. You don't know shit about staying clean which is why you are here.
As a woman with some clean time, it is expected that I will get up and hug the newcomer women in recovery when they come in and that I will welcome them. I had to be told to welcome this woman and hug her. I let it be known I didn't want to and I was told to do it anyway.
The thing is, there is no reason for me to dislike this woman. I have never seen her in my life. I know nothing about her and immediately hated her and everything about her. I had this very physical urge to jump on her and snatch her up by her hair and beat the hell out of her. Recovery means that I didn't act out on this insane desire. I hugged her and welcomed her.
I had to think hard about why I was having this strong reaction to this woman and I had to get honest with myself. The meetings I tend to frequent are predominantly black meetings. There are few whites that go. I am one of only two regulars. This woman who came in was a white woman and I took that as a threat. I have, since college, associated with very few white men or women to the point that people claimed I was a racist against my own race. I have always tended to fit in and feel at home and accepted with people who are black. I have been this way for twenty years. I take offense at other women who do the same thing. I don't do it to rebel. It isn't a fad to me and I like feeling part of. I like being the "darling white girl" in the meetings I go to and I don't want anyone taking my place. I don't date the men in Narcotics Anonymous, but they are MY friends! I don't want to share them.
Looking at it now I know that it is absurd and that my thinking makes no sense. I also know that I will go so far in this program because I have so far to go!
I have been feeling slightly irritable for the past few days. Today it escalated. I have been cranky and sleepy and just wanted to lay in bed. I went to a meeting tonight because that's where I needed to be. In walks this newcomer woman. She's late which instantly pisses me off. Because she is new she doesn't know the protocol for being quiet while people are sharing. She's smiling and laughing and talking and frankly, doesn't look desperate for help.
I do not have the right to judge someone else's desire to get clean. I can not even judge if someone else is an addict. I know we don't get to the rooms for singing too loud in the choir. I reach out to newcomers who look beat down and who come across like they sincerely want help. I even love to reach out to the angry newcomer because that is someone I can relate to.
I ended up sniper sharing. That is when a person shares directly at or about another addict in the meeting and it is frowned upon. I acted like I was sharing about a sponsee who thinks she knows everything but was really sharing at the new girl to sit down and shut the fuck up. If we want to know how to get high we will ask you. You don't know shit about staying clean which is why you are here.
As a woman with some clean time, it is expected that I will get up and hug the newcomer women in recovery when they come in and that I will welcome them. I had to be told to welcome this woman and hug her. I let it be known I didn't want to and I was told to do it anyway.
The thing is, there is no reason for me to dislike this woman. I have never seen her in my life. I know nothing about her and immediately hated her and everything about her. I had this very physical urge to jump on her and snatch her up by her hair and beat the hell out of her. Recovery means that I didn't act out on this insane desire. I hugged her and welcomed her.
I had to think hard about why I was having this strong reaction to this woman and I had to get honest with myself. The meetings I tend to frequent are predominantly black meetings. There are few whites that go. I am one of only two regulars. This woman who came in was a white woman and I took that as a threat. I have, since college, associated with very few white men or women to the point that people claimed I was a racist against my own race. I have always tended to fit in and feel at home and accepted with people who are black. I have been this way for twenty years. I take offense at other women who do the same thing. I don't do it to rebel. It isn't a fad to me and I like feeling part of. I like being the "darling white girl" in the meetings I go to and I don't want anyone taking my place. I don't date the men in Narcotics Anonymous, but they are MY friends! I don't want to share them.
Looking at it now I know that it is absurd and that my thinking makes no sense. I also know that I will go so far in this program because I have so far to go!
Monday, January 16, 2012
Lack of motivation or fear?
One of the first things I heard when I got clean was to get a physical and get my health checked out. There is no telling how much damage we have done to our bodies in active addiction...either through drug use directly or through sheer neglect. I have been obese almost all of my life. At almost five years clean I have been diagnosed with the onset of diabetes.
I have been thinking a lot lately about the needed lifestyle change. Am I truly lacking motivation or am I afraid that I'll fail so I don't even begin to try? I checked my sugar this morning before I ate and it was 237. That's a little lower than yesterday morning.
As far as my eating goes, I ate a bagel for breakfast with a little bit of chocolate spread. I didn't snack all day. For lunch I had one and a half pork chop sandwhiches on english muffins and a few celery sticks.
I came home and he had cooked my favorite...spaghetti and I wanted to cry because I can't eat it. I decided that instead of skipping dinner I would eat a very small portion. I was still hungry so I ate a few more bites and walked away. Tonight the spaghetti was still calling my name so I had three bites in a tiny bowl. It was enough to enjoy the taste and made me think about proper portion sizes. I even did 30 squats tonight. That may not be much to most people, but my thighs burned.
I am praying for strength and self-discipline. I know that God will give me all of the tools I need to eat right, get my sugar down and get weight off. God wants me to be at my healthiest. My name is at the top of my Eighth Step amends list. I owe it to myself to take care of myself, but as with everything else in my life, I can't do it alone. I need God's help.
I have been thinking a lot lately about the needed lifestyle change. Am I truly lacking motivation or am I afraid that I'll fail so I don't even begin to try? I checked my sugar this morning before I ate and it was 237. That's a little lower than yesterday morning.
As far as my eating goes, I ate a bagel for breakfast with a little bit of chocolate spread. I didn't snack all day. For lunch I had one and a half pork chop sandwhiches on english muffins and a few celery sticks.
I came home and he had cooked my favorite...spaghetti and I wanted to cry because I can't eat it. I decided that instead of skipping dinner I would eat a very small portion. I was still hungry so I ate a few more bites and walked away. Tonight the spaghetti was still calling my name so I had three bites in a tiny bowl. It was enough to enjoy the taste and made me think about proper portion sizes. I even did 30 squats tonight. That may not be much to most people, but my thighs burned.
I am praying for strength and self-discipline. I know that God will give me all of the tools I need to eat right, get my sugar down and get weight off. God wants me to be at my healthiest. My name is at the top of my Eighth Step amends list. I owe it to myself to take care of myself, but as with everything else in my life, I can't do it alone. I need God's help.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Feeling a loss
One on the things I am learning in recovery is that change is inevitable. Jobs come and they go, people come and they go and lifestyles come and go. Recently I was diagnosed with obesity, high blood pressure, diabetes and hypothyroidism. This has caused the need for a lifestyle change regarding my eating habits and exercise.
Last month I was also laid off from a job that I absolutely loved. I sincerely woke up each day with an attitude of gratitude for my work. What I did made me feel good. I finally felt like I was being of service to others and that I was giving back. It broke my heart to be laid off and while I have another job already I miss the people I worked with. I especially miss one of my co-workers. She wasn't just a co-worker, but my best friend. She's the only friend I have ever had that never judged me and accepted me unconditionally. I miss seeing her on a daily basis and miss talking to her everyday and having someone to share my thoughts and feelings with. She posesses all of these spiritual principles and the Light of God just shines through her spirit. The thing that I love is that she has all of that and doesn't work a recovery program. The things we, in recovery, work so hard for, she has naturally as a child of God.
Last month I was also laid off from a job that I absolutely loved. I sincerely woke up each day with an attitude of gratitude for my work. What I did made me feel good. I finally felt like I was being of service to others and that I was giving back. It broke my heart to be laid off and while I have another job already I miss the people I worked with. I especially miss one of my co-workers. She wasn't just a co-worker, but my best friend. She's the only friend I have ever had that never judged me and accepted me unconditionally. I miss seeing her on a daily basis and miss talking to her everyday and having someone to share my thoughts and feelings with. She posesses all of these spiritual principles and the Light of God just shines through her spirit. The thing that I love is that she has all of that and doesn't work a recovery program. The things we, in recovery, work so hard for, she has naturally as a child of God.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Picking up tabs
One of the first things I was told when I got clean was to make a doctor's appointment and have a complete physical. It's important that we ascertain how much damage we have done to our bodies through drug use. Other than some memory loss that I suffered, I did not suffer directly from any of the substances I used. It seems; however, that I caused harm to my body through neglect.
The only time I went to the doctor was when I was sick or hurt. Usually I was too busy trying to cop the good stuff to worry about any warnings given by the doctor. I didn't eat right, didn't excercise or meditate. Today these things seem paramount today. I has taken me five years to have the physical. This week I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism, diabetes and my triglycerides were more than double what they are supposed to be.
I suffer from depression, high blood pressure and have joint and back pain. My doctor assures me that by losing weight and becoming more active, most, if not all of my symptoms will improve, if not disappear completely. My excessive weight and poor choices in fatty foods and sweets are killing me as much as the drugs did.
I need to make a lifestyle change and have no clue how to start. I know the basics. I need to get active, and watch what I eat. I need to cut out sweets and I am not supposed to eat more that 150g of carbs per day. The problem is that I LOVE pasta, bread, rice, potatoes and I hate veggies. I really can't stand them. Chocolate is good sent from the Gods. Am I supposed to deny something Heaven sent? Apparently so.
I know that God will not ask me to do anything that he doesn't give me the tools to do. I am going to have to turn this area of my life over to God and to the program. It gives new meaning of "apply these principles in all our affairs." I am going to have to take it one day at a time, pray, talk with my sponsor and work my steps.
The only time I went to the doctor was when I was sick or hurt. Usually I was too busy trying to cop the good stuff to worry about any warnings given by the doctor. I didn't eat right, didn't excercise or meditate. Today these things seem paramount today. I has taken me five years to have the physical. This week I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism, diabetes and my triglycerides were more than double what they are supposed to be.
I suffer from depression, high blood pressure and have joint and back pain. My doctor assures me that by losing weight and becoming more active, most, if not all of my symptoms will improve, if not disappear completely. My excessive weight and poor choices in fatty foods and sweets are killing me as much as the drugs did.
I need to make a lifestyle change and have no clue how to start. I know the basics. I need to get active, and watch what I eat. I need to cut out sweets and I am not supposed to eat more that 150g of carbs per day. The problem is that I LOVE pasta, bread, rice, potatoes and I hate veggies. I really can't stand them. Chocolate is good sent from the Gods. Am I supposed to deny something Heaven sent? Apparently so.
I know that God will not ask me to do anything that he doesn't give me the tools to do. I am going to have to turn this area of my life over to God and to the program. It gives new meaning of "apply these principles in all our affairs." I am going to have to take it one day at a time, pray, talk with my sponsor and work my steps.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)