H.A.L.T. The program teaches us not to let ourselves get too hungry, angry, lonely and tired.
I have been feeling slightly irritable for the past few days. Today it escalated. I have been cranky and sleepy and just wanted to lay in bed. I went to a meeting tonight because that's where I needed to be. In walks this newcomer woman. She's late which instantly pisses me off. Because she is new she doesn't know the protocol for being quiet while people are sharing. She's smiling and laughing and talking and frankly, doesn't look desperate for help.
I do not have the right to judge someone else's desire to get clean. I can not even judge if someone else is an addict. I know we don't get to the rooms for singing too loud in the choir. I reach out to newcomers who look beat down and who come across like they sincerely want help. I even love to reach out to the angry newcomer because that is someone I can relate to.
I ended up sniper sharing. That is when a person shares directly at or about another addict in the meeting and it is frowned upon. I acted like I was sharing about a sponsee who thinks she knows everything but was really sharing at the new girl to sit down and shut the fuck up. If we want to know how to get high we will ask you. You don't know shit about staying clean which is why you are here.
As a woman with some clean time, it is expected that I will get up and hug the newcomer women in recovery when they come in and that I will welcome them. I had to be told to welcome this woman and hug her. I let it be known I didn't want to and I was told to do it anyway.
The thing is, there is no reason for me to dislike this woman. I have never seen her in my life. I know nothing about her and immediately hated her and everything about her. I had this very physical urge to jump on her and snatch her up by her hair and beat the hell out of her. Recovery means that I didn't act out on this insane desire. I hugged her and welcomed her.
I had to think hard about why I was having this strong reaction to this woman and I had to get honest with myself. The meetings I tend to frequent are predominantly black meetings. There are few whites that go. I am one of only two regulars. This woman who came in was a white woman and I took that as a threat. I have, since college, associated with very few white men or women to the point that people claimed I was a racist against my own race. I have always tended to fit in and feel at home and accepted with people who are black. I have been this way for twenty years. I take offense at other women who do the same thing. I don't do it to rebel. It isn't a fad to me and I like feeling part of. I like being the "darling white girl" in the meetings I go to and I don't want anyone taking my place. I don't date the men in Narcotics Anonymous, but they are MY friends! I don't want to share them.
Looking at it now I know that it is absurd and that my thinking makes no sense. I also know that I will go so far in this program because I have so far to go!
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