Working the Steps

     I have had several sponsors over the years and I have been working with the same sponsor for the past two years. I have been sitting on the 6th Step for the past 9 months and felt a little stuck.My sponsor and I have completely different schedules and we have had some difficulty getting together. Something always seems to come up with one of us.

     There is a guy in the program with 21 years clean. I really respect his clean time and recovery and I have asked him to work steps with me. It has been amazing. He doesn't give me an assignment and send me home to do it. The literature says that we work actively with a sponsor. If I am writing the steps myself it is more like self-help. We stick to the literature and focus on all of the spiritual principles in the steps. When I see him at meetings he questions me about definitions. When I demonstrate solid knowledge of the step we move ahead to the next step.

     To be honest, with my clean time I didn't think there was much he could teach me about the steps, but I wanted to learn about spirituality from him. I have been openminded and am amazed to see the steps in a whole new light!

Letter to my Daughter

My dearest daughter,

          I can't help but notice you turning into an exceptional young woman right before my eyes! You simply amaze me each and every day with your beauty and your sense of humor. I have been thinking a lot lately about the things I have learned in life and what I would want you to know. It is difficult to sum it all up in a letter but I am going to try.

          First and foremost, I want to say that I love you beyond belief. I never realized it was possible to love someone so fiercely and unconditionally until I had children. You were the most amazingly beautiful baby I had ever seen. You were so very tiny that you fit in the palm of your daddy's hand. Because you were so premature you had to stay in the hospital for two months. Leaving the hospital without you was the hardest thing I ever had to do. You fought for your life baby girl. You are strong and you are a survivor. You were 3.3 pounds and we weren't sure you were going to make it. We aren't sure why you arrived two months early, but you were ready to greet the world.

       I have watched you grow and change so much in 15 short years. You were a quiet baby and always quick with a smile. I wanted to keep you small and innocent for as long as I could. I began to work two jobs and you spent most of that time with your grandmother and her friends. You went from a toddler to a little old lady very quickly. You didn't play much with toys or use your imagination. You seemed content just sitting still and watching the world go by.

          Out of all four of my children you are the only one I managed to keep with me. What a pleasure and a terror it was!!The please is in watching you grow and mature and develop your own personality. The terror comes when  I think about how much like me you truly are! I know you hate to hear about how much alike we are, but I see myself in you. Let me tell you how…

          I see how you attract attention from young men and your face just lights up. That’s not a bad thing, but I see you seeking attention from people much like I have done my entire life. Your worth is in who you are on the inside and in your relationship with God. I used to think my only worth was between my legs or what I could buy or do for someone. I found my sense of worth in what I believed others thought of me. Today I am learning to like myself and know that I have value simply because I am a child of God.

         I witness how much you internalize your feelings and have a difficult time expressing yourself. I feel responsible for that because I never taught you how to express yourself and never heard you the times you tried. I am listening now baby. Don’t keep all of those feelings bottled up inside of you. They will keep you sick. Remember, we are only as sick as our secrets.

      For many years I stayed locked in active addiction because I didn’t like who I was. I felt like I didn’t fit in or measure up. I felt like I wasn’t good enough and I was uncomfortable in my own skin. I didn’t know how to express anything except joy and anger. Everything I felt came out as anger. It was a defense mechanism for me. I didn’t know how to express feeling inadequate, guilt, shame, or how to express feeling inadequate or lonely. I just wanted someone to love me and accept me for who I was.

     I may not express it often, but I love you for who you are and I am so proud of you. You are a wonderful young lady and I pray that you know that and that you know in your heart that you are just as God means you to be.

Staying Still

       I was on my way to a meeting the other day and I was talking to my sponsor about the fact that we are both looking for jobs. I was wound up and thinking of all of the places I could send my resume and wondering how we are going to survive financially. My sponsor told me she was worried about her situation because she knows she is in the care of. She knows God will see to all of her needs and place her where she needs to be. Her advice to me? "Be still." I need to allow God to work in my life and quit getting in His way. Things are already all worked out. It's okay on the otherside and all I have to do is take God's hand and walk through it.

      I have tried to be still. Don't get me wrong; I am not sitting on the couch eating bon bons waiting for God to deliver a job to my front door. I am doing my part. I am putting in applications and getting my resume out there. I am showing up for interviews and asking God to let my inner light shine. True surrender is putting in the footwork and allowing God to determine the outcome. All I need to do is find acceptance with the outcome.

       When I  look back over my life I know that God has never abandoned me. He has been here all along. He never tested me or punished me. When I  or someone else in my life acted on self-will and it caused me pain God carried me through those times and brought me comfort. God will do for me what I can't do for myself, but He will not do for me what I can do for myself. I have never done without what I needed. I may do without some things I want sometimes, but all of my basic needs have always been met. I have prayed for things I thought I wanted and then had to pray for them to be removed because I couldn't handle them. I need to let God bring me to whatever it is He knows I can handle.

Reservations and Amends

February 19, 2012

     Today's meditation was about reservations in our program. What I have come to understand about myself is that I make it through trauma just fine. I got through a divorce, the start of two new relationships, the end of a relationship, the death of my mother and the loss of several jobs in recovery. What I have trouble with are my day to day feelings and the small irritations of living life on life's terms. I know that without a shadow of a doubt I can make it through anything clean.

    This week my dad called me to tell me that my mom was not only diagnosed with breast cancer, but already had a masectomy and couple of weeks ago. I had no idea. They didn't want to tell me because they felt that with the diagnoses of diabetes and getting laid off it might be too much for me to handle. They thought I was too fragile. One thing I most certainly am not is fragile. I guess they would not know that since I hide so much from them and they know next to nothing about me or my life. It did upset me, but not unreasonably so. I did mention to my sponsor that my mother is an amends I have yet to make and I don't know how or if I am ready. I am willing and know that I owe one, but can't get past the thought that it won't change anything. I desire a relationship with this woman who opened her home and her heart to me. I get so upset with myself for throwing it all away and not seeing it for what it was....a gift from God. I didn't know how to get past the hurt, anger, resentment and fear the abandonment from my birth mother caused. I didn't know how to let go of the pain and embrace the life they were giving me. I knew nothing of acceptance and feel like I wasn't capable of it at the time. My behavior, attitude and perceptions caused irreparable damage to this relationship. My need to find answers and to not only seek out my birth mother, but to be dishonest about it severed any relationship that may have been had. I was so self-centered and consumed in my own pain that I never thought about the pain I was causing her. I was so caught up in my own resentment and expectations that I didn't recognize hers. I can see things more clearly now and fear it's too late.

     I am not responsible for how she receives my amends. My only job is to make it without expectations of the outcome. I am not sure how to make amends without trying to explain and justify my behavior. Another stumbling block in my amends is the fact that I am still so financially dependent on them and one of the things that upsets her is that I haven't grown up. I believe that until I become financially responsible I will not be able to make proper amends. I owe them more than I could ever repay them.

Letter to my Son

Dear Son,

          When I found out I was pregnant with you I was so overjoyed. Finally, I would have a family of my own that no one could take away from me. A child to love unconditionally and who would love me without conditions. I would lay awake at night and plan your future and wonder what you would look like as a toddler, a teenager, an adult. What would you be? I was going to love you and make you feel safe and secure and give you the life that I never had.

          Very quickly, reality showed up. I wanted to show you so much love, but didn’t know how. I was 21 and immature and had no idea what love was aside from fairy tale love I had read about in books. I didn't have knowledge of or experience with perseverance, gentleness, loving kindness, patience, tolerance or selflessness. I didn't know it at the time, but I didn't love myself. What I have learned over time in recovery is that if I don't love myself I can't truly love another human being.

        I had these romantic visions of your dad and I getting married and us being a family and raising the All-American son together. We were going to be a team and never make all of the mistakes our parents made. That didn't work out the way I had anticipated and I felt let down, frightened and angry. I had only known your dad a few months when I got pregnant with you and I had just run away to North Carolina from Pennsylvania. I didn't know what to do as a single mother and I seemed to be lacking that natural nurturing instinct all mothers seem to have. I saw it as failure that I had to move back in with mawmaw and pawpaw. I wish I had seen it an the opportunity it was. I didn't have your dad as support, but God gave me a whole support system under the same roof, but I didn't see it that way. Something has always been a little off with my perception of things. I began to take out all of my frustration and anger out on you.

          I always worked hard and provided for you and Diamond financially. You two were the best dressed kids in town. You had all of the new Jordan's as soon as they came out and the two of you had more gold than most adults I knew. I worked two jobs so that I could give you everything you wanted. You see, I wanted you to look well cared for on the outside so that no one would know what a horrible mother I was. I gave you everything you asked for. We bought a nice, brand new mobile home. Poppop Mark gave us a brand new car and we looked good. What I couldn't give you was a piece of me. I couldn't give you my time and attention, affection and nurturing. I loved you so much sometimes it made my chest so tight it hurt. I just wanted to squeeze you and never let go.

         Many parents teach their children and encourage growth and creativity. I did not. I demanded conformity although I have always rebelled against societal norms and expectations. I was more of a prison warden than a mother.

        When you began exhibiting rage and expressed difficulty with impulse control I didn’t know what to do. It seemed as if we entered into a power struggle and neither of us knew how to ask for what we wanted and neither of us knew how to express our rage and frustration through anything but violence.

          I apologize for not setting a good example for how to express my emotions and how to have healthy relationships. I think by the time I finally got clean, entered the program and began to recover you were already so set in your beliefs and behaviors. It’s never too late to reach for your dreams. I have been taught in Narcotics Anonymous that once we begin to recover lost dreams reawaken. I become sad when we talk, because sometimes I believe you don’t have any dreams. I don’t see you living life baby. I see you existing and getting through each day.

         You have so much going for you. I you are so smart and quick to learn things that interest you. You have a heart of gold and a wonderful sense of humor. You are handsome and creative. Baby don’t let all of that go to waste. You can and will be a productive member of society. You have so much to give and can really make a difference in the lives of people around you. You would be excellent working with young boys who are going through what you have been through. You could help children who have been victims of domestic violence and work with children whose parents are addicts.

          I can in no way take back all of the harm and pain I have caused you, but I sincerely hope that you will be able to do something positive with the pain. There is so much I would do differently if I could do it all over again. I love you so much and want the best for you. You are only confined by the limitations of your own mind.

          I love you son and I want you to dream and set goals and strive for them. Believe in yourself and believe in the good in the people around you. Lean on God and know that He covers you and allow Him to guide your footsteps each and every day.

          Always know that I did the best I could with what I had at the moment. I am just sorry that my best was not good enough. I have grown up with you and I feel such a bond with you because we are so much alike. You are my first born and my only son and I love you with a fierceness I never could have imagined. I believe in myself today, but more importantly, I believe in you!