I thouroughly enjoyed the Just For Today meditation for today. As a child, my feelings felt so incredibly intense. It always felt likea heavily weighted wet blanket smothering me. I wanted to run from my feelings but I didn't not know how. I didn't know how to feel them either so I lashed out at everyone around me.
Today I may not like what I feel at times, but I know how to sit still and feel it. I have to remind myself sometimes that it's okay to feel my feelings. They are not facts and can't hurt me. When good things happen I can sit back and enjoy them rather than try feel even better or control how long I will feel good. When I am feeling what I perceive to be negative feelings, I remind myself that they will pass.
Today I don't strive for perfection. I did that very early in recovery and I almost used again when I began to beat myself up for failing. I am okay with simply doing my best most days. Somedays I don't even do my best. I expected the program to fix my mood immediately when I followed a suggestion. When I prayed I thought of it an an opiate. Within 20 minutes I should feel all better. If I made a meeting, talked to my sponsor or wrote on a step I shouldn't feel bad anymore. What I have realized is that I can't use the program to change my mood the way the dope did. Overall, when I follow suggestions and stayed prayed up and spiritaully fit Ihave less of a difficult time getting through the tough things. Early in recovery it was about cleaning up the wreckage. These days is't about not creating more.
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