Letter to my Daughter

My dearest daughter,

          I can't help but notice you turning into an exceptional young woman right before my eyes! You simply amaze me each and every day with your beauty and your sense of humor. I have been thinking a lot lately about the things I have learned in life and what I would want you to know. It is difficult to sum it all up in a letter but I am going to try.

          First and foremost, I want to say that I love you beyond belief. I never realized it was possible to love someone so fiercely and unconditionally until I had children. You were the most amazingly beautiful baby I had ever seen. You were so very tiny that you fit in the palm of your daddy's hand. Because you were so premature you had to stay in the hospital for two months. Leaving the hospital without you was the hardest thing I ever had to do. You fought for your life baby girl. You are strong and you are a survivor. You were 3.3 pounds and we weren't sure you were going to make it. We aren't sure why you arrived two months early, but you were ready to greet the world.

       I have watched you grow and change so much in 15 short years. You were a quiet baby and always quick with a smile. I wanted to keep you small and innocent for as long as I could. I began to work two jobs and you spent most of that time with your grandmother and her friends. You went from a toddler to a little old lady very quickly. You didn't play much with toys or use your imagination. You seemed content just sitting still and watching the world go by.

          Out of all four of my children you are the only one I managed to keep with me. What a pleasure and a terror it was!!The please is in watching you grow and mature and develop your own personality. The terror comes when  I think about how much like me you truly are! I know you hate to hear about how much alike we are, but I see myself in you. Let me tell you how…

          I see how you attract attention from young men and your face just lights up. That’s not a bad thing, but I see you seeking attention from people much like I have done my entire life. Your worth is in who you are on the inside and in your relationship with God. I used to think my only worth was between my legs or what I could buy or do for someone. I found my sense of worth in what I believed others thought of me. Today I am learning to like myself and know that I have value simply because I am a child of God.

         I witness how much you internalize your feelings and have a difficult time expressing yourself. I feel responsible for that because I never taught you how to express yourself and never heard you the times you tried. I am listening now baby. Don’t keep all of those feelings bottled up inside of you. They will keep you sick. Remember, we are only as sick as our secrets.

      For many years I stayed locked in active addiction because I didn’t like who I was. I felt like I didn’t fit in or measure up. I felt like I wasn’t good enough and I was uncomfortable in my own skin. I didn’t know how to express anything except joy and anger. Everything I felt came out as anger. It was a defense mechanism for me. I didn’t know how to express feeling inadequate, guilt, shame, or how to express feeling inadequate or lonely. I just wanted someone to love me and accept me for who I was.

     I may not express it often, but I love you for who you are and I am so proud of you. You are a wonderful young lady and I pray that you know that and that you know in your heart that you are just as God means you to be.