It is 11:00pm on a Saturday night and I am sitting here feeling a weight on my heart. I just got off of the phone with my sponsor and he told me to make plans for tomorrow with one of my sponsees so I won't be isolating tomorrow. I don't want to. I don't feel like being social. I worked today and notice that I am really throwing myself into my job lately. There are a few reasons for that. First of all, it's a new job and it's a lot of work and I want to impress the powers that be. Secondly, I receive much attention from the guys as work and right now it is like a salve to my wounded ego. I walk around in a state of bliss all day long because I feel so wanted, powerful and desired. I also noticed yesterday that I have lost some weight and I have taken more care with my appearance since I've been working. This makes me feel better about myseslf. I am doing a new weight loss program, but I think the depression has more to do with the weight loss that anything I am intentionally doing.
Then it's time to come home and reality sets in. I am alone. Boytoy called when we got off of work today and said he wanted to spend the night tonight and I said okay. I was looking forward to it. Our original plan was for him to come over tomorrow night and stay and we would get up for work on Monday. I called several times when I didn't hear from him this evening and his phones are turned off. They keep going straight to voicemail. My feelings are hurt and I am angry. I picture him laid up with a girl somewhere with his phones off so they won't be disturbed. I can't believe he didn't have the decency to at least call or text and cancel. The only thing I really demand in a relationship is respect. Keep it 100 with me. Be honest, tell me what you want and I'll let you know if it's something I'm interested in. If you are seeing someone and just want someone on the side I can respect that for right now. But don't tell me you're single if you aren't. Keep it real. Be honest. If you want something on the side let me know so that I can do me and I am not sitting around waiting on your ass everyday. I was telling my sponsor that this is probably a good thing. I was telling him that I was starting to become consumed with Boytoy and that's not healthy for me either. When I put the live-in out I swore to myself that I am going to take time for me and not take another hostage or victim right now. It is better to end it now before I get in too deep. I know this logically, but I still keep checking my phone to see if it's working. I already know that when I talk to him tomorrow and hear his excuse I will let him come over. I have been daydreaming about him being here full time. I don't think I've ever really been alone in my life. I keep thinking I am going to be alone forever then it dawned on me that I've only been single a week and have already been with two men and had three sleep overs.
Let's talk about married man. I just got out of a four year relationship with a married man last year. I finally had to break it off because it left my spirit feeling very unsettled. I didn't want to continue to cause hurt or harm to him, his wife or myself. I swore that I would never get involved with a married man again. It's too painful and I am not the sort who likes to share. This guy is pretty smooth though.
I am not in any shape to be in a relationship. I need to be okay with being alone first. I need to be okay with me. I want a relationship for the joy, not because I am looking for an escape from loneliness.
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