Being a Whore

        I have been sitting here rereading my posts over the past week. I cried myself to sleep last night and felt very alone and lonely and raw. I never did hear from boytoy. My sponsor suggested that if I felt that bad I may want to consider inviting the live-in back home. I told him that I didn't want to do that because it wasn't working. There was a general negative outlook in that relationship and a lack of intimacy. Inviting him back would be just to ease the pain.

    I woke up this morning and still felt very raw and alone. I broke down and begged the live-in to come back home. Thank God, one of us has good sense. He said no. I hurt him and he is done, it is over. He told me that I made my decision and I have to live with it. He is right, but it really stung.

   I laid in bed all morning until it was time to go to work. Igot up and got dressed and did my hair and make-up. I went to work and there is a new LP specialist at work and she is a bitch. I hated her immediately. I had told married man to come in and get a tour of the facility before he starts tomorrow. This was just an excuse. He came in and flirted. We left at the same time so I followed him down a back road and pulled over. He got into my car and kissed me. Oh my!!! Then he went home to his family and I was left alone.

   I went to a sponsees house and then went grocery shopping with her. She told me to put all of my attention and focus on my children instead of these men. She was right, but I wasn't trying to feel it. I came home and cooked and Eric said he was coming to spend the night. This perked me up.

    I went to a meeting tonight and after being there about 30 minutes Eric called me and text me to tell me that he had come by twice and I wasn't here so he drove back home. We ended up arguing and I asked him why he didn't tell me he was on the way and I would have ensured I was here. He said he was trying to surprise me. I was so angry and had a panicked feeling. He said he may come back tonight and said he may just stay tomorrow night. He is supposed to call me back and let me know either way.

    Knowing me, I will let him come and then raise hell when he gets here. What I have come to realize is that I am sick. I have something wrong psychologically, mentally and emotionally. I am attention seeking and need to feel wanted and needed. I constantly need reassurance from someone else that I am okay and worthy. I don't know how to change this. I think it's time I get some real therapy.