Changes

    Today has been the day from hell. Let me tell you what it's like being in the mind of an addict. Yesterday I finally told the live in that I'm done. I offered to move out and get an apartment because I know he has no where else to go. He told me not to worry about it and that he would leave. Within 15 minutes he was packed and gone. That went a little too easy and had me worried. I worried that he might come back and burn my house down.
    I cried off and on all day yesterday and did not want to feel what I was feeling. I was determined not to invite a man over to distract me and I was going to feel my feelings and realize they would not kill me. I went to a meeting and shared last night that I know I will get through this.
    A few years ago I met a man ten years younger than me and had a brief affair with him and we went our seperate ways. A few days ago I came into contact with him again. The spark was still there. I allowed him to sweet talk me and he ended up coming over the other night. He wanted to spend the night, but after incredible sex (younger men really have stamina!) I asked him to leave. He was pursuing me pretty hard.
   I went to work today and when I opened my car door I knocked off the sideview mirror of a coworker. This man now works with me and I was so distracted today that my phone was ringing and I tried to answer the computer mouse. I couldn't control my tears.
    This young man asked me to go swimming with him this afternoon and have a few drinks. Before I knew what happened I had agreed. As I walked away I began praying and arguing with myself. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was going to drink tonight. I text my sponsor and I called him and felt like I was losing my mind. I was so uncomfortable in my own skin. I had actually convinced myself that I am not an addict and I can live a normal life without recovery.
    I couldn't handle the negativity of the live in and it was really affecting my spirit. But he is a good guy and I feel bad for hurting him. I really do pray that he finds peace. Although I wanted him to move out I am still feeling some feelings behind it. I am afraid. There is fear of financial insecurity and fear of being alone. I don't like change. Sometimes familiar pain is comfortable. At least we know the outcome. I have a great fear of the unknown.
    I have been looking at men and trying to get outside of me. I don't want to get into another relationship, but can't seem to get this young man out of my mind. I don't know if it's him or if it's the fact I feel like I am looking for something to grasp onto so that I don't drown.