My disease manifests itself in many ways and the past two months have shown me just how deadly my disease is. I MUST stay vigilant or my disease will kill me. I have no doubt about this. We often hear it said in meetings that drug use is only a symptom of our disease and I think that we hear it so much that we don't really think about it.
I hired ten people with backgrounds and lost my job because of it. I knew they had backgrounds and I saw myself as this giver of second chances, this saver of lost souls. I needed my ego fed. I was overly involved with the men and woman who worked with me and it cost me my job. I want to sit here and feel sorry for myself, but I did this to myself. I hit a low point and hit a bottom.
I joined a dating website to get my ego fed. It feels incredibly good to have men tell me I am beautiful and want to be with me. There is one in Africa who asked me to marry him and I have a Caribean guy in North Carolina who wants to spoil me rotten. The attention and compliments are wonderful and make me feel so good. I can get caught up in projection and fairy tales and have to bring myself back to the real world.
I met a man in the rooms on Tuesday and he shared that he is new to the area and new to the program. He doesn't know anyone and wants to build a network. I approached him after the meeting and asked him if he would like a ride to the noon meeting the next day and he said yes. Later that night I spoke with him by phone and he expressed a sexual interest. I let him know up front what I am looking for in a relationship and I am not looking for a hook up. We made plans for me to pick him up on Wednesday morning and go to the gym to work out.
I picked him up and we worked out. I had overworked one of my thighs and he bent down to massage it. I suggested that the workout was over and asked him if he was ready to go home. He said no so I brought him home with me. We ended up having sex. We then went to the noon meeting and I invited him to move in. I had known him less than twenty four hours.
The point? He has moved all of his stuff in and we have talked about what this means. I am giving him a place to stay until he gets on his feet and I am helping him with his recovery. We are friends. We also happen to be sharing a bed and having sex. I might be okay if that's all it was. We talk all day. We sit on the couch and watch movies and cuddle and he is very affectionate. I think in the past three days the lines have begun to blur. I know he is only staying for a couple of months and I already don't want him to move out. I enjoy having him here. I am trying not to get caught up and let my feelings get involved because I think I will end up getting hurt. We keep verbalizing an understanding of what is supposed to be happening and then we send mixed signals to each other. I already know in my head and my heart that I will become attached. He knows this too. We both also know that recovery must come first. That is vital. If we don't keep recovery first, a relationship or anything else is not going to matter.
We left a meeting tonight and he said that he needed to go to his aunt's house to cut her hair and he was just going to spend the night. I felt some kind of way about that. What if he doesn't want to come back? I miss him being here already and it's only been three days. He text me after he had been there less than an hour and said he missed me already. I am supposed to go pick him up in the morning.
This is more than me helping out a newcomer. I want this to work. I am getting caught up. I am trying to not obsess and just enjoy whatever this is, for however long it lasts and remind myself that God puts people in my life for a reason, a season or a lifetime and only God knows the future. I can spend however long we have worrying, or I can waste time worrying and completely miss the purpose of why he is there.
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