Letter to my Son

Dear Son,

          When I found out I was pregnant with you I was so overjoyed. Finally, I would have a family of my own that no one could take away from me. A child to love unconditionally and who would love me without conditions. I would lay awake at night and plan your future and wonder what you would look like as a toddler, a teenager, an adult. What would you be? I was going to love you and make you feel safe and secure and give you the life that I never had.

          Very quickly, reality showed up. I wanted to show you so much love, but didn’t know how. I was 21 and immature and had no idea what love was aside from fairy tale love I had read about in books. I didn't have knowledge of or experience with perseverance, gentleness, loving kindness, patience, tolerance or selflessness. I didn't know it at the time, but I didn't love myself. What I have learned over time in recovery is that if I don't love myself I can't truly love another human being.

        I had these romantic visions of your dad and I getting married and us being a family and raising the All-American son together. We were going to be a team and never make all of the mistakes our parents made. That didn't work out the way I had anticipated and I felt let down, frightened and angry. I had only known your dad a few months when I got pregnant with you and I had just run away to North Carolina from Pennsylvania. I didn't know what to do as a single mother and I seemed to be lacking that natural nurturing instinct all mothers seem to have. I saw it as failure that I had to move back in with mawmaw and pawpaw. I wish I had seen it an the opportunity it was. I didn't have your dad as support, but God gave me a whole support system under the same roof, but I didn't see it that way. Something has always been a little off with my perception of things. I began to take out all of my frustration and anger out on you.

          I always worked hard and provided for you and Diamond financially. You two were the best dressed kids in town. You had all of the new Jordan's as soon as they came out and the two of you had more gold than most adults I knew. I worked two jobs so that I could give you everything you wanted. You see, I wanted you to look well cared for on the outside so that no one would know what a horrible mother I was. I gave you everything you asked for. We bought a nice, brand new mobile home. Poppop Mark gave us a brand new car and we looked good. What I couldn't give you was a piece of me. I couldn't give you my time and attention, affection and nurturing. I loved you so much sometimes it made my chest so tight it hurt. I just wanted to squeeze you and never let go.

         Many parents teach their children and encourage growth and creativity. I did not. I demanded conformity although I have always rebelled against societal norms and expectations. I was more of a prison warden than a mother.

        When you began exhibiting rage and expressed difficulty with impulse control I didn’t know what to do. It seemed as if we entered into a power struggle and neither of us knew how to ask for what we wanted and neither of us knew how to express our rage and frustration through anything but violence.

          I apologize for not setting a good example for how to express my emotions and how to have healthy relationships. I think by the time I finally got clean, entered the program and began to recover you were already so set in your beliefs and behaviors. It’s never too late to reach for your dreams. I have been taught in Narcotics Anonymous that once we begin to recover lost dreams reawaken. I become sad when we talk, because sometimes I believe you don’t have any dreams. I don’t see you living life baby. I see you existing and getting through each day.

         You have so much going for you. I you are so smart and quick to learn things that interest you. You have a heart of gold and a wonderful sense of humor. You are handsome and creative. Baby don’t let all of that go to waste. You can and will be a productive member of society. You have so much to give and can really make a difference in the lives of people around you. You would be excellent working with young boys who are going through what you have been through. You could help children who have been victims of domestic violence and work with children whose parents are addicts.

          I can in no way take back all of the harm and pain I have caused you, but I sincerely hope that you will be able to do something positive with the pain. There is so much I would do differently if I could do it all over again. I love you so much and want the best for you. You are only confined by the limitations of your own mind.

          I love you son and I want you to dream and set goals and strive for them. Believe in yourself and believe in the good in the people around you. Lean on God and know that He covers you and allow Him to guide your footsteps each and every day.

          Always know that I did the best I could with what I had at the moment. I am just sorry that my best was not good enough. I have grown up with you and I feel such a bond with you because we are so much alike. You are my first born and my only son and I love you with a fierceness I never could have imagined. I believe in myself today, but more importantly, I believe in you!