This week I have felt like I used. I have had the roller coaster of emotions and the crazy thinking. Thank God for a sponsor, a spiritual connection and a network!
When I asked the live in to move out on Monday it really hurt, but there were feelings of relief and hope as well. I went to a meeting. I sat in my feelings and I didn't act out. My sponsor listened to me cry during phone call after phone call. A sponsee came and got me and took me to a meeting. I cried a lot.
Monday I was sitting at work and felt like I was losing my mind. I wanted to use so badly that my skin was crawling and I threw up. All of my employees really cheered me up and having two young guys trying to hit on me was flattering to my ego. One of them, we'll call him boytoy number 1 is someone I went out with a couple of years ago and ran across him last week. I came home from work and could barely function. I cried and talked to my sponsor for hours. I went to a meeting and cried through the whole thing and I didn't use. Boytoy came over and spent the night and it felt good to get my thoughts and feelings off of the negative. The sex was incredible and he actually wanted to hold me while we fell asleep. I haven't felt that wanted in a long time.
Tuesday, I went to work and I cried. I was irritable and again, my employees cheered me up. I really throw myself into my work. Boytoy 1 cheered me up and kept me laughing every time I made a round on the floor. I came home and I cried. I went to a meeting and I stayed clean.
Wednesday was a day so full of anger that I am not sure how I made it through without self-destructing. I was irritable and even my hair hurt. I came home and went to a meeting and showed my ass at the meeting and cried through the whole meeting, but I didn't get high. After the meeting, I came home and got into it with my 15 year old and she took off and didn't come home all night. I was mentally and physically exhausted.
Today I didn't cry ALL day!! I had a great day at work and boytoy is coming to spend the night tonight and said he is taking my daughter and I out on Sunday and spending the night again. I am a little concerned. I don't want to get caught up with him. I don't trust him. I don't trust anyone. I don't want to get into another relationship. The problem? I want to spend more and more time with him and he is constantly on my mind. I keep telling my sponsor and myself that he is a nice distraction. I didn't use. Worrying about my daughter all night on top of everything else made me really sick physically and mentally. I was so grateful when I got home and saw that she had come home that nothing else mattered. Not a break up, not financial fear or fear of change. I realized while she was gone last night that the only thing that has been holding me together this week is her.
I am sure the roller coaster will continue, but I hope that it slows down! I know that no matter how I feel, I don't have to get high today!
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