Finding some acceptance

    It has been a long an emotional week. I have been up and down and numb. I remember when I used to pay good money to get numb. It is a blessed relief from the pain. Eric is coming to spend the night tonight. I have been thinking a lot in the past few days about how he reminds me of my oldest children's father. When we started dating. He was charming and manipulative and knew all of the right things to say. He would come and go as he pleased, but when he was around I would forget all about being angry at him. I have heard that in life we are presented with situations that allow us to deal with issues from our past. He make act the same as someone from my past in many ways, but I am a different person. Today I am more mature, more aware and less inclined to put up with too much bullshit. Today I know that I have choices.

   I am finding some acceptance that I don't have to find "the one". I can enjoy who I am with right now and when God is ready for me to meet "the one" nothing on earth can change that. I must also accept, that just as some of us die from this disease, I may not find true love. I have to accept that I am in the position I am in due to my own choices and 99% of what happens in my life has to do with me. If I want something different I need to do something different.

   I also have to accept that it's okay to feel empy and feel that void I feel without the need to fill it with something. I will continue to ask God to fill that void.

    I had a using dream last night and it didn't scare me. I woke up thinking that I had some acceptance. I used and that was okay. I haven't sat through a meeting in a week and I am okay with that. My sponsor is not pushing me, which is really cool. I will get back in there, probably tomorrow, but I will not use.