I had the honor of being asked to share tonight at a celebration. One member was celebrating 17 years and the other gentleman was celebrating 4 years. There were two of us women sharing and I had asked the other one to go first. I am a walking contradiction. I want to isolate, but I want you to come hold my hand while I do it. I want to be the center of attention but don't want anyone to look at me or listen to me. I was nervous to get up and tell my story. I wanted to focus on recovery.
I heard another addict share the other night and she was a little graphic in her story. I am the last one to judge how another addict shares. I believe in keeping it raw and sharing the truth, no matter what people think. For the first time, I saw how the audience reacted. While she was sharing about her sexual expoits the men in the room were smiling and giggling and making jokes. I have come to understand that people want to hear the juicy stories, we want entertainment. We want the gritty details. And while these things help us to relate and are a means of identification we sometimes take so long telling what things were like that time runs out before we get into our recovery.
Women are at the distinct disadvantage of being stereotyped in recovery. Men know that many women prostituted themselves for their next high. Women come in with low self-esteem seeking acceptance and self-worth. We come in without dignity, self-respect and integrity. I know when I got here I thought all of the men were about recovery and took what they said in a meeting at face value. I didn't realize there were predators in the rooms. I have seen both male and female predators.
Tonight I had a chance to talk about the fact that men need to respect women in recovery and give us the same chance to recover. "Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all of our traditions." Our literature says that this means "bearing no name". We are all equal. Sometimes we are not treated equally in recovery.
I also had a chance to talk about how God has worked in my life. I slept with a man the first four years of my recovery and I learned a lot and that relationship probably kept me clean until I built my own foundation. However, this man was married and about a year and a half ago his wife came into the rooms. After the first year of seeing her in meetings I began to become unsettled in my spirit and knew I could no longer continue to affair. I ended it and I was open and honest with her and I made amends. We have since talked about it and she is one of the people I feel a close bond with today. Tonight she was the one who introduced me and it was a wonderful feeling. I was able to talk about my experience without getting specific and without making her uncomfortable. God has shown me Grace, Mercy and taught me about forgiveness through this woman. Today I am learning to practice integrity and dignity.
Thank God and Jimmy K. for helping me develop a life worth living!
No comments:
Post a Comment