Reservations and Amends

February 19, 2012

     Today's meditation was about reservations in our program. What I have come to understand about myself is that I make it through trauma just fine. I got through a divorce, the start of two new relationships, the end of a relationship, the death of my mother and the loss of several jobs in recovery. What I have trouble with are my day to day feelings and the small irritations of living life on life's terms. I know that without a shadow of a doubt I can make it through anything clean.

    This week my dad called me to tell me that my mom was not only diagnosed with breast cancer, but already had a masectomy and couple of weeks ago. I had no idea. They didn't want to tell me because they felt that with the diagnoses of diabetes and getting laid off it might be too much for me to handle. They thought I was too fragile. One thing I most certainly am not is fragile. I guess they would not know that since I hide so much from them and they know next to nothing about me or my life. It did upset me, but not unreasonably so. I did mention to my sponsor that my mother is an amends I have yet to make and I don't know how or if I am ready. I am willing and know that I owe one, but can't get past the thought that it won't change anything. I desire a relationship with this woman who opened her home and her heart to me. I get so upset with myself for throwing it all away and not seeing it for what it was....a gift from God. I didn't know how to get past the hurt, anger, resentment and fear the abandonment from my birth mother caused. I didn't know how to let go of the pain and embrace the life they were giving me. I knew nothing of acceptance and feel like I wasn't capable of it at the time. My behavior, attitude and perceptions caused irreparable damage to this relationship. My need to find answers and to not only seek out my birth mother, but to be dishonest about it severed any relationship that may have been had. I was so self-centered and consumed in my own pain that I never thought about the pain I was causing her. I was so caught up in my own resentment and expectations that I didn't recognize hers. I can see things more clearly now and fear it's too late.

     I am not responsible for how she receives my amends. My only job is to make it without expectations of the outcome. I am not sure how to make amends without trying to explain and justify my behavior. Another stumbling block in my amends is the fact that I am still so financially dependent on them and one of the things that upsets her is that I haven't grown up. I believe that until I become financially responsible I will not be able to make proper amends. I owe them more than I could ever repay them.