Getting High

    Addicts are the people that spend all day trying to get one more and then we have to walk around and pretend we aren't high. I was an opiate addict and I spent hours and hours thinking of ways to con doctor's out of scripts and then getting high. The goal is to achieve the perfect high. That perfect balance of feeling numb, feeling as if you are wrapped in a floating cloud with the sun lightly kissing your face. The problem is that as an addict, I reach that if I reach that high I feel like "Just one more" ought to really make me feel better. It took me years to realize that there is no such thing as the perfect high. There is no magic combination to achieve this Heavenly feeling once we are in the grip of the disease. You see, onceI take that "one more" I have tipped the scale of high to completely fucked up and sick.

     Once reaching this point, I am nauseated and vomiting, sweating and shaking and my muscles and bones feel like jello on a stick. I would get high to get numb and not feel anything or have to think. What happened in reality is that my bodu would go into a nod and feel cozy and numb, but my mind would race a million miles a minute. I couldn't hold a thought and none of them made sense. As I bend over the toilet puking I am alternating between swearing that I am never going to do this again thinking that I just have to tweak the dosage a  bit.

     Here's another kicker...I am bent over holding my stomach, alternating between nodding and puking and am shaking, hungry and horny. Let me tell you, there is nothing sexier than a sweating, vomiting, incoherent chick who wants to fuck right? Isn't that a pretty picture?

    We sleep and then get up and do it all over again. In active addiction I needed downers at night to slow my mind down and knock me out and then something in the morning to get me going. Then I had to maintain that energy all day.

    Thank God I don't have to live that way today. Today I experience a sense of freedom. I still have trouble sleeping at night and am often tired during the day. I have to take naps and meditate. I have been to my doctor and he told me that if I quit smoking and lose weight I would pick up energy and be able to sleep naturally. Who would have thought?