Character Defect #53

    Control....This seems to be my biggest character defect, or at least the one I am acting out on the most lately. When I feel like I am spiraling out of control and I am feeling unmanageable I try to control  everyone else. I have fucked up my life so let me manage yours.

    I live with a man and lately I notice I have been treating him like one of my children. I am constantly feeling the need to guide, to tell him what to do or how to do it and give constructive criticism. I mean well but as my elders have told me "The road to hell is paved with good intentions." It doesn't matter why I do it. I need to stop doing it. It is causing pain in my life, to myself and others. When I am trying to control someone I am lacking the respect of allowing them to make their own decisions.

    My boyfriend told me today that I am not happy unless I get my way. He says that I have to run the show. I recognized a grain of truth in that. Tonight I found out that I am not getting my daughters in the morning like I expected. Not getting them until tomorrow afternoon throws off my whole schedule with my other children. It left me feeling very out of control. Why can't people just do what I say, when I say it and how I say it and the world would be a better place.

This Christmas Holiday

I was on Facebook today and my sister posted that she couldn't wait for tomorrow night to have a homemade spaghetti dinner with her family and parents. I was so profoundly sad when I read that. I got choked up and realized what I have thrown away.

  My parents adopted me when I was ten years old  and I was so angry and resentful that I wouldn't let them get close to me. I reminded my adopted mother at ever turn that she was not my mother. I was so angry and disrespectful. I was a liar, a thief, violent, a manipulator and on several occassions she told me that I made her life a living hell. What I wanted her to realize was that I was in a living hell since the day my birthmother threw me away like yesterday's trash.

   I didn't know how to get past the fear and the anger and didn't know how to put the past behind me and open myself up to the gift of family that God gave me. When I turned 18 I reunited with my birthmother and the dirty and underhanded way that I did it hurt my adopted mother and it was like a slap in the face to her. I couldn't undo all of the hurt I caused.

   By the time I had children and realized the gift I threw away, it was too late. I still have a relationship with my adopted father,but don't have a relationship with my mom or sister. It is beyond my power to rebuild that relationship. I am envious of the relationship my mom and sister have. She is adopted as well and she never held on to the idea of her birthmother so she was much more accepting. I am jealous of that ability and of their relationship.

   I would give anything to have a positive relationship with them. I miss them and love them. I have had to find some acceptance that these relationships are not something I will ever have. I wish I had shown them love and gratitude when I had the chance. I don't often understand why God gave me the gift of that family, but not the coping skills or healing for me to accept them and appreciate them.

Is Obama a clone?

 President Barack Obama looks amazingly like (Pharoah) Akhenaten the father of monotheism. Sources in my home (the crazy live in) swears that he has it on good authority that Obama and his whole family are clones. Martial Law is about to go into effect and we are all going to be moved to prison camps. Unreliable sources also report that the Illuminati is taking over the world.

This is the craziness in my house that is my reality. I try to remember that newcomers tend to be crazy and they will grow if they continue to work a program. I try to humor him and have even agreed to the "The end of the world is coming" rubbermaid container we have hidden in the closet with nonparishable food...just in case. Everything is a conspiracy with him and it's getting hard to live with.

The Eleventh Step says that we learn to allow other  people to be where they are without having to pass judgement. I am NOT there. I mean this insanity is driving me crazy and I am not sure I want to or am able to live with it. We are complete opposites in every way. We have so little in common and I am trying to compromise and find common ground and it is wearing me out. I am not sure how to mind my own business, not be controlling and live my life.

Again, I am good at doing without things like a man or money, but seem to fall short when I have them. I am able to attain them, but not able to put in the work to keep them. I am very selfish and self-centered.

Dope didn't kill me but a Fucking chocolate chip cookie will take me out

     I had my physical this moring. I really liked my doctor. I was very impressed the the office and staff as a whole. They like for each new patient to receive a complete physical upon seeing them. It started with me weight (Uggggghhhhh!) To be fair to myself, I am subtracting 15 pounds from the tally because she weighed me with my shoes on. Then I found out that I am almost an inch taller than I thought I was all these years. When you think you are 5'1 an inch is a VERY big deal.

     I had chest x-rays and two EKGs done. Then the doctor came in and took his time with me. The nurse had already taken a thorough history and then Dr. Riley took a complete history and asked some really great questions. I gave some blood and we will go over those results next month. We set a plan for weight loss and to quit smoking. I left the office feeling confident that with this doctor, all things are possible. I was feeling so optimistic that Corey and I headed straight to the gas station where I bought a pack of cigarettes and then to Denny's where I enjoyed the Grand Slam breakfast feast.

    Really, I left the office feeling optimistic. It's like when I knew I had to quit getting hire. My thinking was let me go all out and get really fucked up one last time. I'll stop tomorrow. I do know that with my doctor's help and by working steps on these things, I will get better.

    Overall, I am healthy and have not done any lasting damage to my body over the years. This was the first part of making amends to myself for being so self-destructive.  While talking with the nurse today I realized that neither of my biological parents lived to see 60 years old. I don't have to travel the path that they traveled. I can get medical care, use pain management techniques, pray and meditate and take better care of myself. I did learn that many of my physical pains are coming from being obese.

A Buddhist Death

A Buddhist Death

“When I am dead, my dearest”

I shall need your help to ease my journey

My body you may not touch for three days

Please let them not move me

Do not cry or show strong emotion near my body

Keep vigil and chant so that my good energy may be released

For 49 days you will do rituals and prayers

By this the universe will be pleased.

During First Bardo I will not welcome the

Radiance of the Clean Light

During Second Bardo I will see my life in one night

It is during Third Bardo I will seek another birth

May that life be better than the first!

The Middle Way

                                                                     The Middle Way

I contemplate my life and all I've done

Questioning the decisions from my past

Will I observe the truth or turn and run

Praying for the courage to stand steadfast

All my moments have brought me to this place

Where I question now who I really am

Condemned by my mistakes or freed by grace

Negative force or part of love's true plan

But most is not where these answers are found

Truth manifest in who I am today

And with this I put my feet to the ground

My spirit free to walk the Middle Way

And in seeking the path I have to say

“The way is not to love, love is the way.”

The Breaking Point

The Breaking Point

His hand across her face with a sharp crack

Pale, bleeding and resigned.

      He kicks her in the ribs and she cries out
      The mental anguish far worse that the bruises
      The desperation of an addict using
                 Against her will

Dope sick without it, dying with it

      Foxhole prayers and gas station rendezvous
      Diesel fuel and body fluids
      Shame and degradation

He is a wooly mammoth lying on top of her

      The desire to lay her head on the pillow of hair on his chest
      Instead she feels thick, doughy fingers pawing at her
     There is no mistaken this for love
      A service provided for payment of some sort

     One more fix.

     Chase the high, immortality
     Feelings of power and inferiority
     Emaciated, dirty needles, blistered lips
     The smell of peppermint

Her hair sticks up like little yellow maggots

     Continual fear and constant tears
      Life in the alley
      Smells like the dumpster
      Behind Mr. Jessup’s Butcher Shop
      On a sunny, July afternoon

Desperation pulses like sexual energy in the air

      The halo of gnats dance around her head
      The sound of feral children close by


                         The smell of dust, wet cardboard
      The crinkle of cellophane and terse, barked orders
      The warehouse workers unaware
      Slow death beyond their walls
      The thick fence between the church and the alley
      Covered in grime and moss
      Won't one person reach out and save her?

He Dominates Me

He Dominates Me

 

He growls, pulling me closer

Our disagreement far from over
Oversized, callused hands on my skin
He wants me to submit
Wants my body and soul

I feel the tingle of his breath on my neck

He pushes me onto the bed
School books pushed off the bed
He never wanted me to return to school
My family’s call goes to voicemail

The flicker of the candle flames

Kissing my skin
The flick of his tongue on my slick skin
His hardness demanding submission

A fistful of my hair forces my gaze

On the intensity in his eyes
Lust and power written on his face
Hard, thick thighs pinning me down
He slowly explores my trembling body
Forcing a response

I yield to him

My second-hand negligee
Ripped, torn, discarded
He enters me with a quick thrust
Finding his rhythm
My hips rise to meet his
His seed erupts
Once again, my needs as significant
                As a geyser in an ocean

Who Am I

Who Am I?

I am a victim of rage

Neglected, bruised and broken
The sour smell of fear induced sweat
The tightness in my chest
The rolling of my stomach
The pungent smell of urine permeating the room

I am a survivor of abuse
Her boyfriend’s touch hurts
My small body stretches
Probing fingers, rough hands, grabbing…
Piercing pain, red hot

This is my worth

A lesson well taught
This is what men want, all I am good for
A belief, a lie I would let define me

I am the result of promiscuity

She does no more than bend over and lift her skirt
An ingrained belief she couldn’t say no
This is her worth
A lesson my mother also learned well

A volunteer of self-loathing, self-pity, self-obsession

Blessed numbness in the bottom of a bottle
Emotional regulation in a pill
A drug addict dominated by self-centered fear

My bottom had a trap door

Disillusion, degradation and near death
A criminal without a record
Champion of the untouchables

I am a woman but far from a lady

A Buddhist with a belief in God
A practicing Buddhist, not the bookstore variety
A student of life, forever teachable
Forever lost and trying to find myself
This is who I am

We Complement Each Other

We Complement Each other

We don't need each other or complete each other

We complement each other

I am 5 feet one and three quarters of an inch tall

He claims to be 6 feet

I am olive complected and outgoing

He is a dark caramel and reserved

He's 6'0 and thick

Not as big and hard as he once was

Much given away to age and a spinal fusion

He's large and hard enough to make a survivor of abuse feel safe

He wears crazy like a mask

It's a defense mechanism to keep people from getting too close.

What was once an asset for survival has become a defect of character.

I fight every day to hold onto sanity.

He convinced me that we should move into a three bedroom apartment in

Whispering Pines. Living in the ghetto would help us save money for a house.

Funny, two years later we have $6.00

For an ex-drug dealer/murderer, street fighter, he's shy when it comes to sex.

It must be in a bed, at bedtime with one of three positions to choose from.

I am trisexual. I will try anything once.

He's a black republican with a tattoo of a rebel flag on his right arm

and a picture of Stonewall Jackson above the bed. His hero is Glenn Beck.

I am a democrat and my heroes are Maya Angelou and Etheridge Knight

We both love the program of Narcotics Anonymous

We are both recovering addicts trying to carry a message

He likes for me to hold his hand when he isolates and I like for him to hold mine

We complement each other.

I am an addict adrift

     The "Keep Your Head Down Campaign" did not work. I was laid off a week ago. It didn't come as a big surprise. I knew it was coming and am having a hard time accepting that it wasn't personal. It is hard not to take it personally when the person who lays your off is the same person who has threatened to fire you a million times. She ended it by saying if business picks up, I will be her first choice and I am rehirable. Somehow, I think that was said to ease the blow. I went by the office today to say hello to everyone and pick up some paperwork and it felt as if I were a visitor in my own home. Have you ever felt that way? It's not a good feeling. It's only been a week and I felt like a stranger. I have a friend who works there who made me feel very welcome and that helped. The look on Hitler, I mean my boss's face today suggested that she did a happy dance when I left.

    I am trying to deal with the lay off  and haven't heard anything about my unemployment yet. It would really come in handy. The day after it happened I went to get in my car and there was a note on my windshield. The police had taken my tag for letting my insurance lapse. That afternoon I received a note in the mail to inform me that my license has been suspended because I did not pay the taxes on my car. Nice, my life is way more manageable than it was in active addiction. 

      I am also living with a man who is new to recovery. He is new to recovery and on top of everything is a conspiracy theorist. I spent the day looking online for suvival tips and things to put together in a survival kit for martial law or a civil war. It was easier to go along with it than sit there and explain to him why he is more fucked up that a football bat. The positive? We can now survive a disaster  of almost any porportion. (Assuming is only lasts 3-5 days!)

    Tomorrow morning is a doctor's appointment. One of the positives coming from being laid off is making all of these doctor's appointments before my insurance runs out at the end of the month. I have had insurance for about a year and a half, but never used it. I was too terrified to take the time off of work. (Please see previous posts) I went to the dentist and have three small cavities. I normally don't like the dentist, but I survived. By the way, Dr. Butcher is not a reassuring name for a dentist. I am so glad he uses his first name. We will see what tomorrow's visit brings. Part of working my Ninth Step and making amends to myself is taking care of myself physically. I took a walk this morning and have been praying for God to help me lose some weight this year for health reasons and to help me quit smoking.

Shattered Hopes

 Shattered Hopes

I am 7 years old and he lays me on his chest

The way a real father would cradle a newborn

My legs straddle his waist

A comforting hand rubbing my back and hair.

I feel him harden beneath me

His buttons press into my flesh

I complain, he removes his pants

There is more pain, indescribable, piercing pain

Unbearable tearing, burning, stretching.

Sitting in the bathtub, small and shaking

So much blood and pain

He bathes me and comforts me

He tells me what a good girl I am

My grooming is complete

Mommy met him at work

She smiles and laughs with a glimmer in her eye

No more raised fists or empty bellies

They dance through the living room

“Muskrat Love” and giggles

His hand on her bottom, more giggles

No daycare, he works days. She works nights

Finally, a good man to help her raise her baby.

He tells me he loves me and shows me

Night after night

While mommy is at work I’m his special girl

The shame of my body’s responses keep  me quiet

No threats needed

The scent of our secret in the air

Mommy finds out what a dirty girl I am

Her hopes for her new family shattered

Like the porcelain doll I dropped last year

She send me away

Throws me out

Like yesterday's trash

---

Unmanagability and Chaos

   Would anyone like to ride the roller coaster with me? It's a long and crazy lonely ride.

  After being expelled from school a year ago I was finally able to get my son enrolled in high school this week. What a challenge this has been. Apparently taking flex to school and trying to sell it is frowned upon, having a knife in your pocket while this is transpiring does not add to his case.

  Things are still very much up in the air as far as my job goes and it's not a good feeling.

   School is driving me crazy. I have a 4.0 but I want a 4.7.

  Significant other is fine. Fucked up. Insecure. Neurotic and Emotional. I laid in the bed tonight and played out the fantasy of kicking him in the head really hard and pretending it was an accident

The "Keeping my head down" Campaign

Have you ever felt like you're on a roller coaster ride in life? Sometimes you're at the top and sometimes you're at the bottom? I would like to feel that way once in a while. At least that way I could experience what it feels like to be on top.

Nope, not me, not at work. I am perpetually on the bottom. I work for this woman who has an amazing business sense and really knows the line of business we are in. She; however, has the social skills and diplomacy of Hitler! She is the type of person who has no problem with putting others down or making you feel stupid. She is intolerant, critical and judgemental.

I am usually at trouble at work and I tend to not fit into the office any better than I fit into society as a whole. I am louder and less polished than my coworkers. Generally, I am accepted and liked anyway. My boss can't stand me and no matter what I do, it's not good enough.

I used to feel like I was working for someone with a severe mood disorder. One day I'm on top and can do no wrong and then next day I am on the bottom and can do nothing right. Lately, I just hang out at the bottom. Look on the bright side...It's a lot less farther to fall. My newest transgression? I fainted at work.

I passed out at work and it affected our workers comp ranking. I filed private insurance for the medical bills and the ambulance ride, but it still had to be filed as workers comp. Therefore we won't receive our safety bonus for this month and for this I am being punished. I understand being disappointed but to be angry? Come on!

Today was the first day she didn't have an attitude with me. I am not falling for it. It's a trap!!! Everytime I think I am rising back up, she pushes me down. Now to many this may sound like self-pity and an exaggeration, but I can assure you it is my reality. I can't afford to quit and I love my job and my co-workers. I feel like the abused child and I am the one whose siblings feel sorry for me because they aren't abused but they can't be nice to me or they will get in trouble and they are secretly glad it's not them. Not, that my co-workers are happy when I am miserable.

Anyway, I am keeping my head down and minding my own business and doing my work to the best of my ability. I have no control over a neurotic boss or anyone else, only how I respond to her.

Random Thought

   I truly believe God puts people in my life at specific times for a reason. I; however, will confuse the hell out of everything and misread cues. God can put someone in my life to teach me spiritual principles and if he is in the form of a good looking man I  have been known to believe God has sent me my "soulmate". Even though I believe people are put in my life for a reason, I get confused as to their purpose.

    I am learning to stop trying to force things and to allow things to flow. Nothing is permanent and today I am grateful for that.

Who Am I

Who Am I?

A victim of rage
A survivor of Abuse
A result of promiscuity
A volunteer of self-loathing, self-pity and self-obsession.
Blessed numbness in the bottom of a bottle
Emotional regulation in a pill.
Hopelessness, helplessness, desperation
My bottom had a trapdoor
Disillusion, degradation and near death
Sitting on the edge of the bed praying to God to get the knife a little bit deeper

Sex Lets Me Know We're Okay

   I came home late Saturday night after skinny dipping with s group of addicts. I thought the boyfriend would be upset about the late night arrival, but he wanted to have sex. That let me know that everything was okay between us. I am seeing a pattern here.

   When I'm feeling guilty about something or I've made my husband/boyfriend mad or there seems to be tension between us I will initiate sex. If I can get the guy to have sex with me, things must not be so bad. It lets me know we're okay. If a man I am dating is angry with me, it gives me a sense of power to bring him to orgasm.

   If I come across a man who shows no interest or is openly hostile I will begin to flirt and become provocative. Even if it is only sex they are interested in, at least they are itnerested in something.

I behave in a way to draw attention and interest from a man and then am resentful when they respond. If I can get them to respond, if reinforces the lie in my head that sex is all I am worth and it's all I have to offer.

   As I use sex to attempt to create intimacy I am actually blocking intimacy. Instead of developing mental, emotional and spiritual intimacy I focus the relaionship on the physical aspect. I have always judged how good a relationship was on how good the sex was. I describe myself as a highly sexual person when the truth is that I am insecure, needy and have low self-esteem and sense of worth. I have always based my self-worth on how many guys I could get to want to sleep with me. The better looking they were or the more socially acceptable or the more money they had...the more I thought I was worth.

   What I didn't realize until recovery was that the more men wanted to sleep with me the more resentful I became and I reinforced the lie that sex was all I was good for. The more I fed my ego, the more it tore down my self-esteem. The lower my self-esteem dropped, the more I acted out. I stayed locked in a vicious cycle.

Letting Go of Attachments

   I hope no one thought I was going to tell you how to let go of attachments. I am struggling with this right now. My big question this weekend is "Why can't enough be enough"? Why can't I be okay with what I have instead of always wanting more or something different or I think it would be perfect if I just tweeked it a bit. The problem is that nothing is as it seems so when I get what I think I want, my perception of it changes and I don't want it any more. What I need to do it accept what is and not just accept it, but be okay with it. I wanted a man who was available and now I have one and find that I want more.

Unmanagability at it's peak

    I came home from a rough day at work. I listened to my boss to see what kind of mood she's in and I didn't need to listen long to rethink my taking a vacation this week. I am scheduled to take off Thursday and Friday. One one hand, it's great to have a job to take a vacation from. Afterall, a grateful addict will never use. On the other hand, I swear her spidey senses kick in whenever I'm not there and she will find everything I have ever done wrong since the last time I took a day off. Which by the way, two weeks ago I was out and I came back to a write up for three different things. To be fair, I deserved two of them.

   Anyway, I came home and made a smart remark to my 14 year old. I told her to get her shoes on because I was getting ready to go to a meeting. She asked why she had to go and I told her she has to go with me because I can't trust her. Afterall, I am still paying off an $800.00 cable bill. She rented $671.00 worth of pay-per-view. So we have instant attitude, please add fuel. As we are pulling off from home, I noticed her blinds are no longer in her window and have been replaced by two brightly colored blankets. I went on a tirade. "How many times have I told you to stop touching the blinds?" "Why are there blankets hanging in your window?" The louder I get, the more of an attitude and smart mouth she gets. The smarter she gets, the more upset I become. We are now locked in a power struggle and there will be no winner. My boyfriend is listening to all of this and tells us that we need to learn how to get along. He says we don't get along because we are just alike. I see that, but of course it pissed my daughter off. Who wants to be just like their mother? Boyfriend tells daughter to be quiet and he is isck of her mouth. She smarts off. He replies that he is going to slap her and then she said the magic words...."Do it then!" OMG, why did she just invite the insanity? This is a man with 90 days clean and has no children of his own and has no coping skills or idea of how to handle life on life's terms. He slapped her. She lost her damn mind. I am trying to figure out how to get pulled over. She is trying to get out of the moving car and my son and my boyfriend are trying to hold her down. She starts screaming at me for "letting" him hit her. She says "Fuckk this shit" and before I know it, I have pulled over, boyfriend is jumping out of thr car to walk home and I run to the other side of the car and I slapped her too for her mouth. All of this happened in about three minutes. In three minutes I gave up my serenity, forgot all about spiritual principles, put my hand on my child and let my shortcomings take over.

    I made amends to my daughter and she and my boyfriend talked and apologized to each other. He is, of course, beating himself up and I am someone how caught in the middle as the bad guy and feel like it is all my fault. I will call my sponsor and pray. My daughter, being as manipulative as her mom, is going to try to use this to get a shopping trip. By now, she has put up with me for 10  years of active addiction and four years in recovery and she probably deserves a pony, but she can't have one until I pay off the damn cable bill!

Crazy Thinking

   So I'm laying in bed and my guy snuggles up to me and my foot touched his. All of a sudden this thought pops into my head....I wonder if he would leave me if I cut his toe off? I mean come on, that's not weird right? Doesn't everyone think like this?

  Okay, so I don't think I would actually get to cut his toe off because he would probably wake up before I finished so I would have to shoot him in the toe. Would I be able to hit something as small as a toe? Maybe I should aim for his foot. Should I use my .38 or his .45?  I would have to take the hollow points out so I don't blow his foot up.

   Somewhere after 15 minutes of this type of thinking and playing this scene out in my head and wondering if he would move out (Really?) I realized the insanity that is me. It just proves that drug use is truly only a symptom of the disease. Once we take the dope out we are just more efficient maniacs. I think I'll keep coming back!!

Welcome To Narcotics Anonymous

I was chairing a meeting in my home group tonight and there was a newcomer. In listening to her talk, I mentally went back to my struggles with coming to the program. I couldn't focus on anything that was said and was terrified and anxious. I also felt some hope. I was able to identify and finally started to realize that I was not unique. I wasn't as bad as I thought I was, I wasn't as good as I thought I was. I was "one of".

    The things that I heard that saved my life were to make 90 meetings in 90 days. I thought I was too busy to make a meeting every day and I was told to ask myself if I made time to get high everyday. Score one for NA. I was told to get a sponsor to guide me through the steps, traditions and concepts. I was told to get a home group and get involved. I was told to pray twice a day. If I didn't know how to pray or what to pray to I was told to say "please" in the morning and "thank you" at night. The biggest thing I was told was "Don't use no matter what!"

    I needed that identification when I got to the rooms. I needed to know I wasn't alone and I needed the hope that their was a solution. I didn't want to stop getting high, but I wanted the pain to stop. What I learned was that I couldn't get unmanageability out of my life and gain serenity as long as I was getting high. It took more and more to get me high. In the end I had to use so much it made me sick, not high. But I couldn't stop even when I promised myself I wouldn't get high again. I was sick when using and dope sick when I didn't get more. Sometimes knowing more was on the way was a much better feeling than actually getting high.

Today there is hope and if no one ever told you...You never have to use again.

The Twelth Step

Today's meditation was about the Twelth Step and one of the things I shared about is the example we set for the new comers. If I use the rooms as a dumping ground without seeking a solution what do we tell the newcomer. Are we carrying a clear and concise message of NarcoticsAnonymous or are we talking to hear ourselves talk? If all we share in negtivity, how is that a message of hope. If I had walked into my first meeting and heard a mess instead of a message I never would have come back. If you are showing me, as a newcomer, how miserable you are in recovery...how is that supposed to attract me to recovery? I can be miserable back our on the street.

While I'm on the subject of a meeting...it never fails that the people who walk in late want to share their asses off and have no idea what the topic is. There are those that need to make a grand entrance because with multiple years clean they are attention seeking. I also can't stand when someone sets a topic and asks for experience, strength and hope and when they're done sharing their mess, they get up and leave!!!

Why can't everyone just shut the hell up?

   My boss returned from a two week vacation and was so very excited to be back her first day. By the second day back, her head spun around twice. I am a people-pleaser and as an addict, I tend to be overly sensitive so I am in fear of being fired on a daily basis. This is not a groundless fear, I mess up a lot!
  I went home and my kids breathed wrong and set me off. I decided I needed some spiritual nourishment and went to a meeting. My live-in had been up for 36 hours without sleep and we were both a little cranky. He left the meeting early to go out to the car so as not to embarrass himself by snoring in the meeting. On the way home we were both grouchy and I had enough of his negativity about everything. I try to be a very positive person, and being around negative people really affects my spirit. I finally told him to shut the hell up. Of course I then felt like a piece of shit and had to go outside and make amends.
   I am not sure what has me feeling so negative and tired lately. I am working on making time to talk to the Universe and God and finding my peace within myself. This would be so much easier if I didn't see my loved ones as an extension of myself and didn't try to control everyone and everything around me.

  Sometimes I just want to yell "Why can't everyone just shut the hell up?" It seems like everyone has something to bitch about. when I was busy getting high no one expected anything of me. I miss those days. The kids didn't ask for clothes, food, shoes, allowance, cell phones, cable.....when I was getting high. They knew the answer was no and they were happy if the got Oodles Of Noodles once a day. Not proud, just sayin'

Getting Started

   I have been meaning to start this blog for a year now, but procrasination is obviously one of my defects of character. I want to talk about the things that really go on inside the mind of an addict. There are so many things we think, but are afraid to say out loud because we fear no one will understand. We believe that no one is as bad, as good or as crazy as we are. I often hear in meetings that the filter between our minds and our mouths often don't work. Here I am free to say what other people are thinking but are too afraid to say out loud. Please bare with me as I try to get this thing off the ground!