I was on Facebook today and my sister posted that she couldn't wait for tomorrow night to have a homemade spaghetti dinner with her family and parents. I was so profoundly sad when I read that. I got choked up and realized what I have thrown away.
My parents adopted me when I was ten years old and I was so angry and resentful that I wouldn't let them get close to me. I reminded my adopted mother at ever turn that she was not my mother. I was so angry and disrespectful. I was a liar, a thief, violent, a manipulator and on several occassions she told me that I made her life a living hell. What I wanted her to realize was that I was in a living hell since the day my birthmother threw me away like yesterday's trash.
I didn't know how to get past the fear and the anger and didn't know how to put the past behind me and open myself up to the gift of family that God gave me. When I turned 18 I reunited with my birthmother and the dirty and underhanded way that I did it hurt my adopted mother and it was like a slap in the face to her. I couldn't undo all of the hurt I caused.
By the time I had children and realized the gift I threw away, it was too late. I still have a relationship with my adopted father,but don't have a relationship with my mom or sister. It is beyond my power to rebuild that relationship. I am envious of the relationship my mom and sister have. She is adopted as well and she never held on to the idea of her birthmother so she was much more accepting. I am jealous of that ability and of their relationship.
I would give anything to have a positive relationship with them. I miss them and love them. I have had to find some acceptance that these relationships are not something I will ever have. I wish I had shown them love and gratitude when I had the chance. I don't often understand why God gave me the gift of that family, but not the coping skills or healing for me to accept them and appreciate them.
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