I was chairing a meeting in my home group tonight and there was a newcomer. In listening to her talk, I mentally went back to my struggles with coming to the program. I couldn't focus on anything that was said and was terrified and anxious. I also felt some hope. I was able to identify and finally started to realize that I was not unique. I wasn't as bad as I thought I was, I wasn't as good as I thought I was. I was "one of".
The things that I heard that saved my life were to make 90 meetings in 90 days. I thought I was too busy to make a meeting every day and I was told to ask myself if I made time to get high everyday. Score one for NA. I was told to get a sponsor to guide me through the steps, traditions and concepts. I was told to get a home group and get involved. I was told to pray twice a day. If I didn't know how to pray or what to pray to I was told to say "please" in the morning and "thank you" at night. The biggest thing I was told was "Don't use no matter what!"
I needed that identification when I got to the rooms. I needed to know I wasn't alone and I needed the hope that their was a solution. I didn't want to stop getting high, but I wanted the pain to stop. What I learned was that I couldn't get unmanageability out of my life and gain serenity as long as I was getting high. It took more and more to get me high. In the end I had to use so much it made me sick, not high. But I couldn't stop even when I promised myself I wouldn't get high again. I was sick when using and dope sick when I didn't get more. Sometimes knowing more was on the way was a much better feeling than actually getting high.
Today there is hope and if no one ever told you...You never have to use again.
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