I came home late Saturday night after skinny dipping with s group of addicts. I thought the boyfriend would be upset about the late night arrival, but he wanted to have sex. That let me know that everything was okay between us. I am seeing a pattern here.
When I'm feeling guilty about something or I've made my husband/boyfriend mad or there seems to be tension between us I will initiate sex. If I can get the guy to have sex with me, things must not be so bad. It lets me know we're okay. If a man I am dating is angry with me, it gives me a sense of power to bring him to orgasm.
If I come across a man who shows no interest or is openly hostile I will begin to flirt and become provocative. Even if it is only sex they are interested in, at least they are itnerested in something.
I behave in a way to draw attention and interest from a man and then am resentful when they respond. If I can get them to respond, if reinforces the lie in my head that sex is all I am worth and it's all I have to offer.
As I use sex to attempt to create intimacy I am actually blocking intimacy. Instead of developing mental, emotional and spiritual intimacy I focus the relaionship on the physical aspect. I have always judged how good a relationship was on how good the sex was. I describe myself as a highly sexual person when the truth is that I am insecure, needy and have low self-esteem and sense of worth. I have always based my self-worth on how many guys I could get to want to sleep with me. The better looking they were or the more socially acceptable or the more money they had...the more I thought I was worth.
What I didn't realize until recovery was that the more men wanted to sleep with me the more resentful I became and I reinforced the lie that sex was all I was good for. The more I fed my ego, the more it tore down my self-esteem. The lower my self-esteem dropped, the more I acted out. I stayed locked in a vicious cycle.
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