It has been a long an emotional week. I have been up and down and numb. I remember when I used to pay good money to get numb. It is a blessed relief from the pain. Eric is coming to spend the night tonight. I have been thinking a lot in the past few days about how he reminds me of my oldest children's father. When we started dating. He was charming and manipulative and knew all of the right things to say. He would come and go as he pleased, but when he was around I would forget all about being angry at him. I have heard that in life we are presented with situations that allow us to deal with issues from our past. He make act the same as someone from my past in many ways, but I am a different person. Today I am more mature, more aware and less inclined to put up with too much bullshit. Today I know that I have choices.
I am finding some acceptance that I don't have to find "the one". I can enjoy who I am with right now and when God is ready for me to meet "the one" nothing on earth can change that. I must also accept, that just as some of us die from this disease, I may not find true love. I have to accept that I am in the position I am in due to my own choices and 99% of what happens in my life has to do with me. If I want something different I need to do something different.
I also have to accept that it's okay to feel empy and feel that void I feel without the need to fill it with something. I will continue to ask God to fill that void.
I had a using dream last night and it didn't scare me. I woke up thinking that I had some acceptance. I used and that was okay. I haven't sat through a meeting in a week and I am okay with that. My sponsor is not pushing me, which is really cool. I will get back in there, probably tomorrow, but I will not use.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Being a Whore
I have been sitting here rereading my posts over the past week. I cried myself to sleep last night and felt very alone and lonely and raw. I never did hear from boytoy. My sponsor suggested that if I felt that bad I may want to consider inviting the live-in back home. I told him that I didn't want to do that because it wasn't working. There was a general negative outlook in that relationship and a lack of intimacy. Inviting him back would be just to ease the pain.
I woke up this morning and still felt very raw and alone. I broke down and begged the live-in to come back home. Thank God, one of us has good sense. He said no. I hurt him and he is done, it is over. He told me that I made my decision and I have to live with it. He is right, but it really stung.
I laid in bed all morning until it was time to go to work. Igot up and got dressed and did my hair and make-up. I went to work and there is a new LP specialist at work and she is a bitch. I hated her immediately. I had told married man to come in and get a tour of the facility before he starts tomorrow. This was just an excuse. He came in and flirted. We left at the same time so I followed him down a back road and pulled over. He got into my car and kissed me. Oh my!!! Then he went home to his family and I was left alone.
I went to a sponsees house and then went grocery shopping with her. She told me to put all of my attention and focus on my children instead of these men. She was right, but I wasn't trying to feel it. I came home and cooked and Eric said he was coming to spend the night. This perked me up.
I went to a meeting tonight and after being there about 30 minutes Eric called me and text me to tell me that he had come by twice and I wasn't here so he drove back home. We ended up arguing and I asked him why he didn't tell me he was on the way and I would have ensured I was here. He said he was trying to surprise me. I was so angry and had a panicked feeling. He said he may come back tonight and said he may just stay tomorrow night. He is supposed to call me back and let me know either way.
Knowing me, I will let him come and then raise hell when he gets here. What I have come to realize is that I am sick. I have something wrong psychologically, mentally and emotionally. I am attention seeking and need to feel wanted and needed. I constantly need reassurance from someone else that I am okay and worthy. I don't know how to change this. I think it's time I get some real therapy.
I woke up this morning and still felt very raw and alone. I broke down and begged the live-in to come back home. Thank God, one of us has good sense. He said no. I hurt him and he is done, it is over. He told me that I made my decision and I have to live with it. He is right, but it really stung.
I laid in bed all morning until it was time to go to work. Igot up and got dressed and did my hair and make-up. I went to work and there is a new LP specialist at work and she is a bitch. I hated her immediately. I had told married man to come in and get a tour of the facility before he starts tomorrow. This was just an excuse. He came in and flirted. We left at the same time so I followed him down a back road and pulled over. He got into my car and kissed me. Oh my!!! Then he went home to his family and I was left alone.
I went to a sponsees house and then went grocery shopping with her. She told me to put all of my attention and focus on my children instead of these men. She was right, but I wasn't trying to feel it. I came home and cooked and Eric said he was coming to spend the night. This perked me up.
I went to a meeting tonight and after being there about 30 minutes Eric called me and text me to tell me that he had come by twice and I wasn't here so he drove back home. We ended up arguing and I asked him why he didn't tell me he was on the way and I would have ensured I was here. He said he was trying to surprise me. I was so angry and had a panicked feeling. He said he may come back tonight and said he may just stay tomorrow night. He is supposed to call me back and let me know either way.
Knowing me, I will let him come and then raise hell when he gets here. What I have come to realize is that I am sick. I have something wrong psychologically, mentally and emotionally. I am attention seeking and need to feel wanted and needed. I constantly need reassurance from someone else that I am okay and worthy. I don't know how to change this. I think it's time I get some real therapy.
Saturday, July 14, 2012
Alone and Lonely
It is 11:00pm on a Saturday night and I am sitting here feeling a weight on my heart. I just got off of the phone with my sponsor and he told me to make plans for tomorrow with one of my sponsees so I won't be isolating tomorrow. I don't want to. I don't feel like being social. I worked today and notice that I am really throwing myself into my job lately. There are a few reasons for that. First of all, it's a new job and it's a lot of work and I want to impress the powers that be. Secondly, I receive much attention from the guys as work and right now it is like a salve to my wounded ego. I walk around in a state of bliss all day long because I feel so wanted, powerful and desired. I also noticed yesterday that I have lost some weight and I have taken more care with my appearance since I've been working. This makes me feel better about myseslf. I am doing a new weight loss program, but I think the depression has more to do with the weight loss that anything I am intentionally doing.
Then it's time to come home and reality sets in. I am alone. Boytoy called when we got off of work today and said he wanted to spend the night tonight and I said okay. I was looking forward to it. Our original plan was for him to come over tomorrow night and stay and we would get up for work on Monday. I called several times when I didn't hear from him this evening and his phones are turned off. They keep going straight to voicemail. My feelings are hurt and I am angry. I picture him laid up with a girl somewhere with his phones off so they won't be disturbed. I can't believe he didn't have the decency to at least call or text and cancel. The only thing I really demand in a relationship is respect. Keep it 100 with me. Be honest, tell me what you want and I'll let you know if it's something I'm interested in. If you are seeing someone and just want someone on the side I can respect that for right now. But don't tell me you're single if you aren't. Keep it real. Be honest. If you want something on the side let me know so that I can do me and I am not sitting around waiting on your ass everyday. I was telling my sponsor that this is probably a good thing. I was telling him that I was starting to become consumed with Boytoy and that's not healthy for me either. When I put the live-in out I swore to myself that I am going to take time for me and not take another hostage or victim right now. It is better to end it now before I get in too deep. I know this logically, but I still keep checking my phone to see if it's working. I already know that when I talk to him tomorrow and hear his excuse I will let him come over. I have been daydreaming about him being here full time. I don't think I've ever really been alone in my life. I keep thinking I am going to be alone forever then it dawned on me that I've only been single a week and have already been with two men and had three sleep overs.
Let's talk about married man. I just got out of a four year relationship with a married man last year. I finally had to break it off because it left my spirit feeling very unsettled. I didn't want to continue to cause hurt or harm to him, his wife or myself. I swore that I would never get involved with a married man again. It's too painful and I am not the sort who likes to share. This guy is pretty smooth though.
I am not in any shape to be in a relationship. I need to be okay with being alone first. I need to be okay with me. I want a relationship for the joy, not because I am looking for an escape from loneliness.
Then it's time to come home and reality sets in. I am alone. Boytoy called when we got off of work today and said he wanted to spend the night tonight and I said okay. I was looking forward to it. Our original plan was for him to come over tomorrow night and stay and we would get up for work on Monday. I called several times when I didn't hear from him this evening and his phones are turned off. They keep going straight to voicemail. My feelings are hurt and I am angry. I picture him laid up with a girl somewhere with his phones off so they won't be disturbed. I can't believe he didn't have the decency to at least call or text and cancel. The only thing I really demand in a relationship is respect. Keep it 100 with me. Be honest, tell me what you want and I'll let you know if it's something I'm interested in. If you are seeing someone and just want someone on the side I can respect that for right now. But don't tell me you're single if you aren't. Keep it real. Be honest. If you want something on the side let me know so that I can do me and I am not sitting around waiting on your ass everyday. I was telling my sponsor that this is probably a good thing. I was telling him that I was starting to become consumed with Boytoy and that's not healthy for me either. When I put the live-in out I swore to myself that I am going to take time for me and not take another hostage or victim right now. It is better to end it now before I get in too deep. I know this logically, but I still keep checking my phone to see if it's working. I already know that when I talk to him tomorrow and hear his excuse I will let him come over. I have been daydreaming about him being here full time. I don't think I've ever really been alone in my life. I keep thinking I am going to be alone forever then it dawned on me that I've only been single a week and have already been with two men and had three sleep overs.
Let's talk about married man. I just got out of a four year relationship with a married man last year. I finally had to break it off because it left my spirit feeling very unsettled. I didn't want to continue to cause hurt or harm to him, his wife or myself. I swore that I would never get involved with a married man again. It's too painful and I am not the sort who likes to share. This guy is pretty smooth though.
I am not in any shape to be in a relationship. I need to be okay with being alone first. I need to be okay with me. I want a relationship for the joy, not because I am looking for an escape from loneliness.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Clean and Crazy
This week I have felt like I used. I have had the roller coaster of emotions and the crazy thinking. Thank God for a sponsor, a spiritual connection and a network!
When I asked the live in to move out on Monday it really hurt, but there were feelings of relief and hope as well. I went to a meeting. I sat in my feelings and I didn't act out. My sponsor listened to me cry during phone call after phone call. A sponsee came and got me and took me to a meeting. I cried a lot.
Monday I was sitting at work and felt like I was losing my mind. I wanted to use so badly that my skin was crawling and I threw up. All of my employees really cheered me up and having two young guys trying to hit on me was flattering to my ego. One of them, we'll call him boytoy number 1 is someone I went out with a couple of years ago and ran across him last week. I came home from work and could barely function. I cried and talked to my sponsor for hours. I went to a meeting and cried through the whole thing and I didn't use. Boytoy came over and spent the night and it felt good to get my thoughts and feelings off of the negative. The sex was incredible and he actually wanted to hold me while we fell asleep. I haven't felt that wanted in a long time.
Tuesday, I went to work and I cried. I was irritable and again, my employees cheered me up. I really throw myself into my work. Boytoy 1 cheered me up and kept me laughing every time I made a round on the floor. I came home and I cried. I went to a meeting and I stayed clean.
Wednesday was a day so full of anger that I am not sure how I made it through without self-destructing. I was irritable and even my hair hurt. I came home and went to a meeting and showed my ass at the meeting and cried through the whole meeting, but I didn't get high. After the meeting, I came home and got into it with my 15 year old and she took off and didn't come home all night. I was mentally and physically exhausted.
Today I didn't cry ALL day!! I had a great day at work and boytoy is coming to spend the night tonight and said he is taking my daughter and I out on Sunday and spending the night again. I am a little concerned. I don't want to get caught up with him. I don't trust him. I don't trust anyone. I don't want to get into another relationship. The problem? I want to spend more and more time with him and he is constantly on my mind. I keep telling my sponsor and myself that he is a nice distraction. I didn't use. Worrying about my daughter all night on top of everything else made me really sick physically and mentally. I was so grateful when I got home and saw that she had come home that nothing else mattered. Not a break up, not financial fear or fear of change. I realized while she was gone last night that the only thing that has been holding me together this week is her.
I am sure the roller coaster will continue, but I hope that it slows down! I know that no matter how I feel, I don't have to get high today!
When I asked the live in to move out on Monday it really hurt, but there were feelings of relief and hope as well. I went to a meeting. I sat in my feelings and I didn't act out. My sponsor listened to me cry during phone call after phone call. A sponsee came and got me and took me to a meeting. I cried a lot.
Monday I was sitting at work and felt like I was losing my mind. I wanted to use so badly that my skin was crawling and I threw up. All of my employees really cheered me up and having two young guys trying to hit on me was flattering to my ego. One of them, we'll call him boytoy number 1 is someone I went out with a couple of years ago and ran across him last week. I came home from work and could barely function. I cried and talked to my sponsor for hours. I went to a meeting and cried through the whole thing and I didn't use. Boytoy came over and spent the night and it felt good to get my thoughts and feelings off of the negative. The sex was incredible and he actually wanted to hold me while we fell asleep. I haven't felt that wanted in a long time.
Tuesday, I went to work and I cried. I was irritable and again, my employees cheered me up. I really throw myself into my work. Boytoy 1 cheered me up and kept me laughing every time I made a round on the floor. I came home and I cried. I went to a meeting and I stayed clean.
Wednesday was a day so full of anger that I am not sure how I made it through without self-destructing. I was irritable and even my hair hurt. I came home and went to a meeting and showed my ass at the meeting and cried through the whole meeting, but I didn't get high. After the meeting, I came home and got into it with my 15 year old and she took off and didn't come home all night. I was mentally and physically exhausted.
Today I didn't cry ALL day!! I had a great day at work and boytoy is coming to spend the night tonight and said he is taking my daughter and I out on Sunday and spending the night again. I am a little concerned. I don't want to get caught up with him. I don't trust him. I don't trust anyone. I don't want to get into another relationship. The problem? I want to spend more and more time with him and he is constantly on my mind. I keep telling my sponsor and myself that he is a nice distraction. I didn't use. Worrying about my daughter all night on top of everything else made me really sick physically and mentally. I was so grateful when I got home and saw that she had come home that nothing else mattered. Not a break up, not financial fear or fear of change. I realized while she was gone last night that the only thing that has been holding me together this week is her.
I am sure the roller coaster will continue, but I hope that it slows down! I know that no matter how I feel, I don't have to get high today!
Monday, July 9, 2012
Changes
Today has been the day from hell. Let me tell you what it's like being in the mind of an addict. Yesterday I finally told the live in that I'm done. I offered to move out and get an apartment because I know he has no where else to go. He told me not to worry about it and that he would leave. Within 15 minutes he was packed and gone. That went a little too easy and had me worried. I worried that he might come back and burn my house down.
I cried off and on all day yesterday and did not want to feel what I was feeling. I was determined not to invite a man over to distract me and I was going to feel my feelings and realize they would not kill me. I went to a meeting and shared last night that I know I will get through this.
A few years ago I met a man ten years younger than me and had a brief affair with him and we went our seperate ways. A few days ago I came into contact with him again. The spark was still there. I allowed him to sweet talk me and he ended up coming over the other night. He wanted to spend the night, but after incredible sex (younger men really have stamina!) I asked him to leave. He was pursuing me pretty hard.
I went to work today and when I opened my car door I knocked off the sideview mirror of a coworker. This man now works with me and I was so distracted today that my phone was ringing and I tried to answer the computer mouse. I couldn't control my tears.
This young man asked me to go swimming with him this afternoon and have a few drinks. Before I knew what happened I had agreed. As I walked away I began praying and arguing with myself. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was going to drink tonight. I text my sponsor and I called him and felt like I was losing my mind. I was so uncomfortable in my own skin. I had actually convinced myself that I am not an addict and I can live a normal life without recovery.
I couldn't handle the negativity of the live in and it was really affecting my spirit. But he is a good guy and I feel bad for hurting him. I really do pray that he finds peace. Although I wanted him to move out I am still feeling some feelings behind it. I am afraid. There is fear of financial insecurity and fear of being alone. I don't like change. Sometimes familiar pain is comfortable. At least we know the outcome. I have a great fear of the unknown.
I have been looking at men and trying to get outside of me. I don't want to get into another relationship, but can't seem to get this young man out of my mind. I don't know if it's him or if it's the fact I feel like I am looking for something to grasp onto so that I don't drown.
I cried off and on all day yesterday and did not want to feel what I was feeling. I was determined not to invite a man over to distract me and I was going to feel my feelings and realize they would not kill me. I went to a meeting and shared last night that I know I will get through this.
A few years ago I met a man ten years younger than me and had a brief affair with him and we went our seperate ways. A few days ago I came into contact with him again. The spark was still there. I allowed him to sweet talk me and he ended up coming over the other night. He wanted to spend the night, but after incredible sex (younger men really have stamina!) I asked him to leave. He was pursuing me pretty hard.
I went to work today and when I opened my car door I knocked off the sideview mirror of a coworker. This man now works with me and I was so distracted today that my phone was ringing and I tried to answer the computer mouse. I couldn't control my tears.
This young man asked me to go swimming with him this afternoon and have a few drinks. Before I knew what happened I had agreed. As I walked away I began praying and arguing with myself. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was going to drink tonight. I text my sponsor and I called him and felt like I was losing my mind. I was so uncomfortable in my own skin. I had actually convinced myself that I am not an addict and I can live a normal life without recovery.
I couldn't handle the negativity of the live in and it was really affecting my spirit. But he is a good guy and I feel bad for hurting him. I really do pray that he finds peace. Although I wanted him to move out I am still feeling some feelings behind it. I am afraid. There is fear of financial insecurity and fear of being alone. I don't like change. Sometimes familiar pain is comfortable. At least we know the outcome. I have a great fear of the unknown.
I have been looking at men and trying to get outside of me. I don't want to get into another relationship, but can't seem to get this young man out of my mind. I don't know if it's him or if it's the fact I feel like I am looking for something to grasp onto so that I don't drown.
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