I am coming to learn that when I am feeling something that I perceive as negative, it usually has nothing to do with what is going on at the present moment. I am either reliving feelings from a past event or fearing a future event.
Yesterday I tried to cajole my live in to have sex in the middle of the day and he turned me down. He doesn't have the sex drive I have. I know it's him and his issues but I was able to convey to him that when he says no, I feel rejected.
Last night I shared at a celebration that after I was adopted I couldn't figure out what was wrong with my that my new daddy didn't sneak into my room at night and touch me. I thought, from prior experience that it was want all men wanted and my ability to let them use my body was my purpose. It dawned on the this afternoon that when my father failed to molest me, I felt rejected. Now when the llive-in say no I am reliving all of the feelings of being rejected, less than and not good enough from 25 years ago.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Women DO Recover!
I had the honor of being asked to share tonight at a celebration. One member was celebrating 17 years and the other gentleman was celebrating 4 years. There were two of us women sharing and I had asked the other one to go first. I am a walking contradiction. I want to isolate, but I want you to come hold my hand while I do it. I want to be the center of attention but don't want anyone to look at me or listen to me. I was nervous to get up and tell my story. I wanted to focus on recovery.
I heard another addict share the other night and she was a little graphic in her story. I am the last one to judge how another addict shares. I believe in keeping it raw and sharing the truth, no matter what people think. For the first time, I saw how the audience reacted. While she was sharing about her sexual expoits the men in the room were smiling and giggling and making jokes. I have come to understand that people want to hear the juicy stories, we want entertainment. We want the gritty details. And while these things help us to relate and are a means of identification we sometimes take so long telling what things were like that time runs out before we get into our recovery.
Women are at the distinct disadvantage of being stereotyped in recovery. Men know that many women prostituted themselves for their next high. Women come in with low self-esteem seeking acceptance and self-worth. We come in without dignity, self-respect and integrity. I know when I got here I thought all of the men were about recovery and took what they said in a meeting at face value. I didn't realize there were predators in the rooms. I have seen both male and female predators.
Tonight I had a chance to talk about the fact that men need to respect women in recovery and give us the same chance to recover. "Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all of our traditions." Our literature says that this means "bearing no name". We are all equal. Sometimes we are not treated equally in recovery.
I also had a chance to talk about how God has worked in my life. I slept with a man the first four years of my recovery and I learned a lot and that relationship probably kept me clean until I built my own foundation. However, this man was married and about a year and a half ago his wife came into the rooms. After the first year of seeing her in meetings I began to become unsettled in my spirit and knew I could no longer continue to affair. I ended it and I was open and honest with her and I made amends. We have since talked about it and she is one of the people I feel a close bond with today. Tonight she was the one who introduced me and it was a wonderful feeling. I was able to talk about my experience without getting specific and without making her uncomfortable. God has shown me Grace, Mercy and taught me about forgiveness through this woman. Today I am learning to practice integrity and dignity.
Thank God and Jimmy K. for helping me develop a life worth living!
I heard another addict share the other night and she was a little graphic in her story. I am the last one to judge how another addict shares. I believe in keeping it raw and sharing the truth, no matter what people think. For the first time, I saw how the audience reacted. While she was sharing about her sexual expoits the men in the room were smiling and giggling and making jokes. I have come to understand that people want to hear the juicy stories, we want entertainment. We want the gritty details. And while these things help us to relate and are a means of identification we sometimes take so long telling what things were like that time runs out before we get into our recovery.
Women are at the distinct disadvantage of being stereotyped in recovery. Men know that many women prostituted themselves for their next high. Women come in with low self-esteem seeking acceptance and self-worth. We come in without dignity, self-respect and integrity. I know when I got here I thought all of the men were about recovery and took what they said in a meeting at face value. I didn't realize there were predators in the rooms. I have seen both male and female predators.
Tonight I had a chance to talk about the fact that men need to respect women in recovery and give us the same chance to recover. "Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all of our traditions." Our literature says that this means "bearing no name". We are all equal. Sometimes we are not treated equally in recovery.
I also had a chance to talk about how God has worked in my life. I slept with a man the first four years of my recovery and I learned a lot and that relationship probably kept me clean until I built my own foundation. However, this man was married and about a year and a half ago his wife came into the rooms. After the first year of seeing her in meetings I began to become unsettled in my spirit and knew I could no longer continue to affair. I ended it and I was open and honest with her and I made amends. We have since talked about it and she is one of the people I feel a close bond with today. Tonight she was the one who introduced me and it was a wonderful feeling. I was able to talk about my experience without getting specific and without making her uncomfortable. God has shown me Grace, Mercy and taught me about forgiveness through this woman. Today I am learning to practice integrity and dignity.
Thank God and Jimmy K. for helping me develop a life worth living!
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
I didn't want to welcome the newcomer
H.A.L.T. The program teaches us not to let ourselves get too hungry, angry, lonely and tired.
I have been feeling slightly irritable for the past few days. Today it escalated. I have been cranky and sleepy and just wanted to lay in bed. I went to a meeting tonight because that's where I needed to be. In walks this newcomer woman. She's late which instantly pisses me off. Because she is new she doesn't know the protocol for being quiet while people are sharing. She's smiling and laughing and talking and frankly, doesn't look desperate for help.
I do not have the right to judge someone else's desire to get clean. I can not even judge if someone else is an addict. I know we don't get to the rooms for singing too loud in the choir. I reach out to newcomers who look beat down and who come across like they sincerely want help. I even love to reach out to the angry newcomer because that is someone I can relate to.
I ended up sniper sharing. That is when a person shares directly at or about another addict in the meeting and it is frowned upon. I acted like I was sharing about a sponsee who thinks she knows everything but was really sharing at the new girl to sit down and shut the fuck up. If we want to know how to get high we will ask you. You don't know shit about staying clean which is why you are here.
As a woman with some clean time, it is expected that I will get up and hug the newcomer women in recovery when they come in and that I will welcome them. I had to be told to welcome this woman and hug her. I let it be known I didn't want to and I was told to do it anyway.
The thing is, there is no reason for me to dislike this woman. I have never seen her in my life. I know nothing about her and immediately hated her and everything about her. I had this very physical urge to jump on her and snatch her up by her hair and beat the hell out of her. Recovery means that I didn't act out on this insane desire. I hugged her and welcomed her.
I had to think hard about why I was having this strong reaction to this woman and I had to get honest with myself. The meetings I tend to frequent are predominantly black meetings. There are few whites that go. I am one of only two regulars. This woman who came in was a white woman and I took that as a threat. I have, since college, associated with very few white men or women to the point that people claimed I was a racist against my own race. I have always tended to fit in and feel at home and accepted with people who are black. I have been this way for twenty years. I take offense at other women who do the same thing. I don't do it to rebel. It isn't a fad to me and I like feeling part of. I like being the "darling white girl" in the meetings I go to and I don't want anyone taking my place. I don't date the men in Narcotics Anonymous, but they are MY friends! I don't want to share them.
Looking at it now I know that it is absurd and that my thinking makes no sense. I also know that I will go so far in this program because I have so far to go!
I have been feeling slightly irritable for the past few days. Today it escalated. I have been cranky and sleepy and just wanted to lay in bed. I went to a meeting tonight because that's where I needed to be. In walks this newcomer woman. She's late which instantly pisses me off. Because she is new she doesn't know the protocol for being quiet while people are sharing. She's smiling and laughing and talking and frankly, doesn't look desperate for help.
I do not have the right to judge someone else's desire to get clean. I can not even judge if someone else is an addict. I know we don't get to the rooms for singing too loud in the choir. I reach out to newcomers who look beat down and who come across like they sincerely want help. I even love to reach out to the angry newcomer because that is someone I can relate to.
I ended up sniper sharing. That is when a person shares directly at or about another addict in the meeting and it is frowned upon. I acted like I was sharing about a sponsee who thinks she knows everything but was really sharing at the new girl to sit down and shut the fuck up. If we want to know how to get high we will ask you. You don't know shit about staying clean which is why you are here.
As a woman with some clean time, it is expected that I will get up and hug the newcomer women in recovery when they come in and that I will welcome them. I had to be told to welcome this woman and hug her. I let it be known I didn't want to and I was told to do it anyway.
The thing is, there is no reason for me to dislike this woman. I have never seen her in my life. I know nothing about her and immediately hated her and everything about her. I had this very physical urge to jump on her and snatch her up by her hair and beat the hell out of her. Recovery means that I didn't act out on this insane desire. I hugged her and welcomed her.
I had to think hard about why I was having this strong reaction to this woman and I had to get honest with myself. The meetings I tend to frequent are predominantly black meetings. There are few whites that go. I am one of only two regulars. This woman who came in was a white woman and I took that as a threat. I have, since college, associated with very few white men or women to the point that people claimed I was a racist against my own race. I have always tended to fit in and feel at home and accepted with people who are black. I have been this way for twenty years. I take offense at other women who do the same thing. I don't do it to rebel. It isn't a fad to me and I like feeling part of. I like being the "darling white girl" in the meetings I go to and I don't want anyone taking my place. I don't date the men in Narcotics Anonymous, but they are MY friends! I don't want to share them.
Looking at it now I know that it is absurd and that my thinking makes no sense. I also know that I will go so far in this program because I have so far to go!
Monday, January 16, 2012
Lack of motivation or fear?
One of the first things I heard when I got clean was to get a physical and get my health checked out. There is no telling how much damage we have done to our bodies in active addiction...either through drug use directly or through sheer neglect. I have been obese almost all of my life. At almost five years clean I have been diagnosed with the onset of diabetes.
I have been thinking a lot lately about the needed lifestyle change. Am I truly lacking motivation or am I afraid that I'll fail so I don't even begin to try? I checked my sugar this morning before I ate and it was 237. That's a little lower than yesterday morning.
As far as my eating goes, I ate a bagel for breakfast with a little bit of chocolate spread. I didn't snack all day. For lunch I had one and a half pork chop sandwhiches on english muffins and a few celery sticks.
I came home and he had cooked my favorite...spaghetti and I wanted to cry because I can't eat it. I decided that instead of skipping dinner I would eat a very small portion. I was still hungry so I ate a few more bites and walked away. Tonight the spaghetti was still calling my name so I had three bites in a tiny bowl. It was enough to enjoy the taste and made me think about proper portion sizes. I even did 30 squats tonight. That may not be much to most people, but my thighs burned.
I am praying for strength and self-discipline. I know that God will give me all of the tools I need to eat right, get my sugar down and get weight off. God wants me to be at my healthiest. My name is at the top of my Eighth Step amends list. I owe it to myself to take care of myself, but as with everything else in my life, I can't do it alone. I need God's help.
I have been thinking a lot lately about the needed lifestyle change. Am I truly lacking motivation or am I afraid that I'll fail so I don't even begin to try? I checked my sugar this morning before I ate and it was 237. That's a little lower than yesterday morning.
As far as my eating goes, I ate a bagel for breakfast with a little bit of chocolate spread. I didn't snack all day. For lunch I had one and a half pork chop sandwhiches on english muffins and a few celery sticks.
I came home and he had cooked my favorite...spaghetti and I wanted to cry because I can't eat it. I decided that instead of skipping dinner I would eat a very small portion. I was still hungry so I ate a few more bites and walked away. Tonight the spaghetti was still calling my name so I had three bites in a tiny bowl. It was enough to enjoy the taste and made me think about proper portion sizes. I even did 30 squats tonight. That may not be much to most people, but my thighs burned.
I am praying for strength and self-discipline. I know that God will give me all of the tools I need to eat right, get my sugar down and get weight off. God wants me to be at my healthiest. My name is at the top of my Eighth Step amends list. I owe it to myself to take care of myself, but as with everything else in my life, I can't do it alone. I need God's help.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Feeling a loss
One on the things I am learning in recovery is that change is inevitable. Jobs come and they go, people come and they go and lifestyles come and go. Recently I was diagnosed with obesity, high blood pressure, diabetes and hypothyroidism. This has caused the need for a lifestyle change regarding my eating habits and exercise.
Last month I was also laid off from a job that I absolutely loved. I sincerely woke up each day with an attitude of gratitude for my work. What I did made me feel good. I finally felt like I was being of service to others and that I was giving back. It broke my heart to be laid off and while I have another job already I miss the people I worked with. I especially miss one of my co-workers. She wasn't just a co-worker, but my best friend. She's the only friend I have ever had that never judged me and accepted me unconditionally. I miss seeing her on a daily basis and miss talking to her everyday and having someone to share my thoughts and feelings with. She posesses all of these spiritual principles and the Light of God just shines through her spirit. The thing that I love is that she has all of that and doesn't work a recovery program. The things we, in recovery, work so hard for, she has naturally as a child of God.
Last month I was also laid off from a job that I absolutely loved. I sincerely woke up each day with an attitude of gratitude for my work. What I did made me feel good. I finally felt like I was being of service to others and that I was giving back. It broke my heart to be laid off and while I have another job already I miss the people I worked with. I especially miss one of my co-workers. She wasn't just a co-worker, but my best friend. She's the only friend I have ever had that never judged me and accepted me unconditionally. I miss seeing her on a daily basis and miss talking to her everyday and having someone to share my thoughts and feelings with. She posesses all of these spiritual principles and the Light of God just shines through her spirit. The thing that I love is that she has all of that and doesn't work a recovery program. The things we, in recovery, work so hard for, she has naturally as a child of God.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Picking up tabs
One of the first things I was told when I got clean was to make a doctor's appointment and have a complete physical. It's important that we ascertain how much damage we have done to our bodies through drug use. Other than some memory loss that I suffered, I did not suffer directly from any of the substances I used. It seems; however, that I caused harm to my body through neglect.
The only time I went to the doctor was when I was sick or hurt. Usually I was too busy trying to cop the good stuff to worry about any warnings given by the doctor. I didn't eat right, didn't excercise or meditate. Today these things seem paramount today. I has taken me five years to have the physical. This week I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism, diabetes and my triglycerides were more than double what they are supposed to be.
I suffer from depression, high blood pressure and have joint and back pain. My doctor assures me that by losing weight and becoming more active, most, if not all of my symptoms will improve, if not disappear completely. My excessive weight and poor choices in fatty foods and sweets are killing me as much as the drugs did.
I need to make a lifestyle change and have no clue how to start. I know the basics. I need to get active, and watch what I eat. I need to cut out sweets and I am not supposed to eat more that 150g of carbs per day. The problem is that I LOVE pasta, bread, rice, potatoes and I hate veggies. I really can't stand them. Chocolate is good sent from the Gods. Am I supposed to deny something Heaven sent? Apparently so.
I know that God will not ask me to do anything that he doesn't give me the tools to do. I am going to have to turn this area of my life over to God and to the program. It gives new meaning of "apply these principles in all our affairs." I am going to have to take it one day at a time, pray, talk with my sponsor and work my steps.
The only time I went to the doctor was when I was sick or hurt. Usually I was too busy trying to cop the good stuff to worry about any warnings given by the doctor. I didn't eat right, didn't excercise or meditate. Today these things seem paramount today. I has taken me five years to have the physical. This week I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism, diabetes and my triglycerides were more than double what they are supposed to be.
I suffer from depression, high blood pressure and have joint and back pain. My doctor assures me that by losing weight and becoming more active, most, if not all of my symptoms will improve, if not disappear completely. My excessive weight and poor choices in fatty foods and sweets are killing me as much as the drugs did.
I need to make a lifestyle change and have no clue how to start. I know the basics. I need to get active, and watch what I eat. I need to cut out sweets and I am not supposed to eat more that 150g of carbs per day. The problem is that I LOVE pasta, bread, rice, potatoes and I hate veggies. I really can't stand them. Chocolate is good sent from the Gods. Am I supposed to deny something Heaven sent? Apparently so.
I know that God will not ask me to do anything that he doesn't give me the tools to do. I am going to have to turn this area of my life over to God and to the program. It gives new meaning of "apply these principles in all our affairs." I am going to have to take it one day at a time, pray, talk with my sponsor and work my steps.
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