I went to a meeting last night and I made the white chip walk of shame. It was the most humbling thing I have ever had to do. Thank God for my network who stood tall with me and hugged me when I picked it up. They gave me the strength and the courage that I needed.
I have found that word spreads quickly through the rooms when one of us makes a bad decision. I have been fielding calls and hugs all day. The humbling thing about a relapse is having to sit there and hear all of the lectures. I am feeling angry today. I am angry at the people who have more time than me and angry at myself for backing myself into a corner I couldn't get out of clean.
Sunday, September 2, 2012
I Miss You Already
I miss you already!
A little over a week ago, I met a newcomer in the rooms. I was instantly drawn to him and knew that I wanted to get to know him better. I wanted to be in his presence. I offered him a ride to the noon meeting the following day and he accepted. We talked a little that night on the phone and text back and forth for a little while. He is staying in town after coming from treatment to get himself together before he goes back home to Philly.
The next morning I picked him up early and we went to the gym. I like going to the gym every morning. We worked out and then came back here. We spent some time together and then we went to the noon meeting. He was explaining that staying where he was staying was not conducive to his recovery. I invited him to stay with me until he gets on his feet. This was done with the understanding that I am here to help him with his recovery and give him a safe place to stay. We are friends and that's it.
We began sleeping together and he is completely moved in. All he is looking for is a friend, his freedom and recovery. He wants to put his life back together again and I respect him for that!! I started developing feelings for him.
I know he has other relationships and children back home. I know that he will return home and I am already sad at the thought of seeing him leave. He is setting the bar for other men who will come into my life. He is showing me how to be a friend. He is showing me how to respect myself and love myself and my children. He points out my control issues. He is helping me grow. He is making me question my spirituality and making me ask questions to grow. I appreciate that.
God puts people in my life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. It is not up to me to question why someone has been placed in my life or how long they will be here. It is my job to enjoy it and build a friendship that will last for life and it is up to me to create memories and make the most of his being in my life.
No matter how long he is here, he will be missed when he leaves. I will value and treasure this friendship for life.
The next morning I picked him up early and we went to the gym. I like going to the gym every morning. We worked out and then came back here. We spent some time together and then we went to the noon meeting. He was explaining that staying where he was staying was not conducive to his recovery. I invited him to stay with me until he gets on his feet. This was done with the understanding that I am here to help him with his recovery and give him a safe place to stay. We are friends and that's it.
We began sleeping together and he is completely moved in. All he is looking for is a friend, his freedom and recovery. He wants to put his life back together again and I respect him for that!! I started developing feelings for him.
I know he has other relationships and children back home. I know that he will return home and I am already sad at the thought of seeing him leave. He is setting the bar for other men who will come into my life. He is showing me how to be a friend. He is showing me how to respect myself and love myself and my children. He points out my control issues. He is helping me grow. He is making me question my spirituality and making me ask questions to grow. I appreciate that.
God puts people in my life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. It is not up to me to question why someone has been placed in my life or how long they will be here. It is my job to enjoy it and build a friendship that will last for life and it is up to me to create memories and make the most of his being in my life.
No matter how long he is here, he will be missed when he leaves. I will value and treasure this friendship for life.
Saturday, September 1, 2012
I Threw it All Away
I relapsed this week and to be honest, I felt it coming. Many in my network saw it coming. The truth is, I relapsed long before I ever picked up. I was engaging in thoughts, attitudes and behaviors that are indicitive of active addiction. I suffered from a general negative outlook and felt like I was on spiritual life support. I turned my back on God. I was calling out to Him with my words, but pushing him away with my actions.
I have a newcomer living with me, and he relapsed as well. However, my relapse has nothing to do with him. I have been sharing for three months that I felt it was coming. He was my excuse to use. I not only hurt myself, but I hurt him, because as a newcomer, he thinks he could have stopped me. Bless his heart. The truth is, no one could stop me. I had my mind made up and I made a conscious decision to pick up. I battled with wanting to use for several months now, but in the back of my mind, I knew it was inevitable.
I started romancing the lifestyle. If the dope won't kill you, the lifestyle will. I was getting attention from all of these young dope boys and that felt good. I liked feeling like I was apathetic and above feeling anything. I liked feeling powerful. That is a drug to me. I didn't want to be alone. I didn't want to feel alone and I wanted to cover my feelings and I also wanted to feel accepted. I felt disconnected to the people in the rooms because I emotionally and mentally isolated myself from them. I had people in my network who tried to tell me there was a train coming, but I didn't want to hear it. I thought I was more powerful than my disease. I thought I could handle it this time.
The thing is, I got high and didn't enjoy it in anyway. I managed to piss off the person I live with because I was acting so crazy. I felt so paranoid and couldn't even enjoy my high. I knew the whole time my mind was racing that I was doing something wrong. Once you know, you can't unknow.
The person I live with took my car at 3:30 this morning to run to the store and didn't come home until 1:00pm. He was out using all night. I feel guilt, I felt like I should have at least tried to stop him. I went through an array of feelings. I was angry and afraid, disappointed and felt guilt. This man came to me with the intention of me helping him stay focused and stay clean and I feel like I let him down. I was angry with him, but other addicts pointed out to me, that it's really the disease of addiction I am angry with. He is a great guy, but once we put one in, we are no longer in control. It changes us.
We both talked to our sponsors today and made a meeting tonight. We made the white chip walk of shame and shared our relapse with the group. It was a humbling experience to know that I threw away five and a half years of recovery. My sponsor said now that I feel humble, God can use me.
I feel some kind of way about living with an addict new to recovery. It brought back a lot of feelings from when I lived with my ex-husband in active addiction. A few people told me that he doesn't need to be living here. I don't want to hear it. I want him here. We can help each other. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be drug through active addiction again either. We are supposed to be friends who live together, but I am developing feelings for this man and I know that I will have a hard time letting go if it ever comes to that. The bottom line is that I want to stick by him no matter what and maybe he will see that and fall in love with me and see how good I am for him and he will want to get clean and stay clean and never want to leave. I also know, I will let go before I jeopardize my recovery again.
Thank you to my doodlebug who kept my confidence and gave me support and unconditional love when I didn't know where else to turn!!!
I have a newcomer living with me, and he relapsed as well. However, my relapse has nothing to do with him. I have been sharing for three months that I felt it was coming. He was my excuse to use. I not only hurt myself, but I hurt him, because as a newcomer, he thinks he could have stopped me. Bless his heart. The truth is, no one could stop me. I had my mind made up and I made a conscious decision to pick up. I battled with wanting to use for several months now, but in the back of my mind, I knew it was inevitable.
I started romancing the lifestyle. If the dope won't kill you, the lifestyle will. I was getting attention from all of these young dope boys and that felt good. I liked feeling like I was apathetic and above feeling anything. I liked feeling powerful. That is a drug to me. I didn't want to be alone. I didn't want to feel alone and I wanted to cover my feelings and I also wanted to feel accepted. I felt disconnected to the people in the rooms because I emotionally and mentally isolated myself from them. I had people in my network who tried to tell me there was a train coming, but I didn't want to hear it. I thought I was more powerful than my disease. I thought I could handle it this time.
The thing is, I got high and didn't enjoy it in anyway. I managed to piss off the person I live with because I was acting so crazy. I felt so paranoid and couldn't even enjoy my high. I knew the whole time my mind was racing that I was doing something wrong. Once you know, you can't unknow.
The person I live with took my car at 3:30 this morning to run to the store and didn't come home until 1:00pm. He was out using all night. I feel guilt, I felt like I should have at least tried to stop him. I went through an array of feelings. I was angry and afraid, disappointed and felt guilt. This man came to me with the intention of me helping him stay focused and stay clean and I feel like I let him down. I was angry with him, but other addicts pointed out to me, that it's really the disease of addiction I am angry with. He is a great guy, but once we put one in, we are no longer in control. It changes us.
We both talked to our sponsors today and made a meeting tonight. We made the white chip walk of shame and shared our relapse with the group. It was a humbling experience to know that I threw away five and a half years of recovery. My sponsor said now that I feel humble, God can use me.
I feel some kind of way about living with an addict new to recovery. It brought back a lot of feelings from when I lived with my ex-husband in active addiction. A few people told me that he doesn't need to be living here. I don't want to hear it. I want him here. We can help each other. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be drug through active addiction again either. We are supposed to be friends who live together, but I am developing feelings for this man and I know that I will have a hard time letting go if it ever comes to that. The bottom line is that I want to stick by him no matter what and maybe he will see that and fall in love with me and see how good I am for him and he will want to get clean and stay clean and never want to leave. I also know, I will let go before I jeopardize my recovery again.
Thank you to my doodlebug who kept my confidence and gave me support and unconditional love when I didn't know where else to turn!!!
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