Facing Feelings

          I thouroughly enjoyed the Just For Today meditation for today. As a child, my feelings felt so incredibly intense. It always felt likea heavily weighted wet blanket smothering me. I wanted to run from my feelings but I didn't not know how. I didn't know how to feel them either so I lashed out at everyone around me.

         Today I may not like what I feel at times, but I know how to sit still and feel it. I have to remind myself sometimes that it's okay to feel my feelings. They are not facts and can't hurt me. When good things happen I can sit back and enjoy them rather than try feel even better or control how long I will feel good. When I am feeling what I perceive to be negative feelings, I remind myself that they will pass.

      Today I don't strive for perfection. I did that very early in recovery and I almost used again when I began to beat myself up for failing. I am okay with simply doing my best most days. Somedays I  don't even do my best. I expected the program to fix my mood immediately when I followed a suggestion. When I prayed I thought of it an an opiate. Within 20 minutes I should feel all better. If I made a meeting, talked to my sponsor or wrote on a step I shouldn't feel bad anymore. What I have realized is that I can't use the program to change my mood the way the dope did. Overall, when I follow suggestions and stayed prayed up and spiritaully fit Ihave less of a difficult time getting through the tough things. Early in recovery it was about cleaning up the wreckage. These days is't about not creating more.

The Dissatisfaction of an Addict

   It seems as if I have spent my entire life being dissatisfied. Most addicts I know are. It takes being vigilant in our program of recovery and a solid relationship with God to accept things just the way they are. No matter what or how much I have I always seem to want more. I set goals for myself and as soon as I reach that goal I am unhappy with what I have and set my sights on something else.

    I don't know if it has anything to do with being an addict or if it is human nature. I have a wonderful man but I want a better one. I have a great job, but I want one that brings more satisfaction. I got a new car in April and now it's time for another one. Why can't I ever just sit back and relax and accept what
I have?

A job versus a Career

     In December I was laid off from a job I loved very much. It broke my heart. One of my clients found out I was being laid off and offered me a job immediately. I was so grateful. I took a little over a dollar pay cut, but was so happy to have a job. It was a company I have worked for before. It is a great company and I couldn't ask for a nicer group of people or a more appreciative boss. God is good and in recovery I am learning about responsibilty, accountability and committment.

     I absolutely hate my job! It is so boring and definately not challenging. I enter data into a computer all day and call doctor's offices and proof personalized orders. I can watch movies and read books at work while I work and still maintain the highest production in our whole group. The fact that I hate my job makes me feel like an ingrate. I believe that we lose the things we aren't grateful for and I don't want to lose my job. I am looking for another job.

    I want a challenge. I want a job I wake up and look forward to going to everyday. A job that makes me feel like I have a purpose. I want to feel like I am giving back and helping people. The job I have now doesn't give me a sense of satisfaction. I want a career, not just a mindless job that I go to everyday in order to get a paycheck to give away to bill collectors. It gives me the feeling I had in active addiction of just surviving, existing, not living. I don't like that feeling at all. I don't feel fulfilled.

    The thing is, I beat myself up for the choices I have made, I am living the consequences of choices I have made. I dropped out/ was kicked out of college due to active addiction and once I got clean and decided to return it was difficult. I have to work full time and have four children and money is very limited and my credit is trashed. I can only go part time and have realized it will take me forever to get my degree. My dream would be to get back into staffing or return to working with people with mental illness. I would love to work with other recovering addicts. I have experience with all of this, but
I don't have a degree. Most places want people with a college degree.

    I am not going to give up hope and right now I have to find and pray for some acceptance. I am grateful to have the job I have and I will continue to look for something else. I will also keep going to with the long process of school in hopes of things changing. I know God won't let me down.