Getting High

    Addicts are the people that spend all day trying to get one more and then we have to walk around and pretend we aren't high. I was an opiate addict and I spent hours and hours thinking of ways to con doctor's out of scripts and then getting high. The goal is to achieve the perfect high. That perfect balance of feeling numb, feeling as if you are wrapped in a floating cloud with the sun lightly kissing your face. The problem is that as an addict, I reach that if I reach that high I feel like "Just one more" ought to really make me feel better. It took me years to realize that there is no such thing as the perfect high. There is no magic combination to achieve this Heavenly feeling once we are in the grip of the disease. You see, onceI take that "one more" I have tipped the scale of high to completely fucked up and sick.

     Once reaching this point, I am nauseated and vomiting, sweating and shaking and my muscles and bones feel like jello on a stick. I would get high to get numb and not feel anything or have to think. What happened in reality is that my bodu would go into a nod and feel cozy and numb, but my mind would race a million miles a minute. I couldn't hold a thought and none of them made sense. As I bend over the toilet puking I am alternating between swearing that I am never going to do this again thinking that I just have to tweak the dosage a  bit.

     Here's another kicker...I am bent over holding my stomach, alternating between nodding and puking and am shaking, hungry and horny. Let me tell you, there is nothing sexier than a sweating, vomiting, incoherent chick who wants to fuck right? Isn't that a pretty picture?

    We sleep and then get up and do it all over again. In active addiction I needed downers at night to slow my mind down and knock me out and then something in the morning to get me going. Then I had to maintain that energy all day.

    Thank God I don't have to live that way today. Today I experience a sense of freedom. I still have trouble sleeping at night and am often tired during the day. I have to take naps and meditate. I have been to my doctor and he told me that if I quit smoking and lose weight I would pick up energy and be able to sleep naturally. Who would have thought?

5 Year Reflection

     Today is the anniversary of my clean date. Five years clean today!! Addicts sit and reflect on their anniversary just like anyone else would reflect around their birthday. How far have I come? Why am I not futher than where I am? Have I been putting enough work in?

     I am sitting comfortably in my livingroom while my three daughters are asleep in their bedrooms and even the dog is snoring peacefully. We moved into the house two weeks ago and are finally in a safe neighborhood. My girls could play outside today without the threat of gunfire. My life hasn't always been this serene.

    Two of my sleeping daughters don't live with me. They live with their father and I get them every other weekend. The gift of recovery is that I am a part of their lives today. I have given much thought lately of their father. I divorced him in my first year of recovery. He is also an addict and his addiction drug us to the depths of hell. Through living with him I realized that some people's bottoms had trap doors. It took $10,000 and a 13 month prison sentence for him for me to get away. Today he is remarried to his fourth wife,involved in church and an excellent father. We were best friends, but terrible together. It felt like two little kids trying to play grown up. I have missed him some lately. In typical fashion, my disease tells me that the highs were so wonderful that I could withstand the lows that the marriage brought with it. I have a disease that tells me I don't have a disease, one that tells me that things "weren't that bad."

     I also have a 16 year old son. He lives with my sister and step-father. I am unable to handle his mood swings and his defiant behavior. He was diagnosed with childhood onset on Bipolar disorder and I truly believe that much of the problem is the lifestyle I exposed him too and the abuse I inflicted upon him. He glorifies the life that I tried to take him out of. I have come to realize that the lifestyle is as addictive as getting high. If the drugs don't kill you, the lifestyle will.

     I work for a temp agency. I was a staffing specialist who found people jobs and I was good at what I did and truly loved it. I was laid off two months ago and now work at data entry at one of the companies I used to staff for. It was quite a blow. The blessing in all of this is that I am employable today and maintain some job stability. This company thought enough of me and my work that they made a position for me when they found out I was getting laid off.

     The live in proposed to me right before Valentine's Day and we then moved out of the apartment we were in. Everything seems to be coming together. I am searching to understand my Higher Power and it seems as if I am being led back to the God of my childhood. The same one I tried to rebel against. Along the way, God has placed important people in my life. There is a co-worker from the staffing agency whom I have come to love like a sister. I miss her so much. I don't get to see her now that we don't work together, but I know god placed her in my life for a reason. She has shown me what unconditional love is all about. I have four crazy wonderful children. I have an insane but lving man in my life and great friends. My sponsor has helped me grow and heal so much.

     I have come a long way in five years. I may not be where I could be. I may not be where I should be, but at least I am not where I used to be!