Clean and Crazy

     This week I have felt like I used. I have had the roller coaster of emotions and the crazy thinking. Thank God for a sponsor, a spiritual connection and a network!

     When I asked the live in to move out on Monday it really hurt, but there were feelings of relief and hope as well. I went to a meeting. I sat in my feelings and I didn't act out. My sponsor listened to me cry during phone call after phone call. A sponsee came and got me and took me to a meeting. I cried a lot.

     Monday I was sitting at work and felt like I was losing my mind. I wanted to use so badly that my skin was crawling and I threw up. All of my employees really cheered me up and having two young guys trying to hit on me was flattering to my ego. One of them, we'll call him boytoy number 1 is someone I went out with a couple of years ago and ran across him last week. I came home from work and could barely function. I cried and talked to my sponsor for hours. I went to a meeting and cried through the whole thing and I didn't use. Boytoy came over and spent the night and it felt good to get my thoughts and feelings off of the negative. The sex was incredible and he actually wanted to hold me while we fell asleep. I haven't felt that wanted in a long time.

     Tuesday, I went to work and I cried. I was irritable and again, my employees cheered me up. I really throw myself into my work. Boytoy 1 cheered me up and kept me laughing every time I made a round on the floor. I came home and I cried. I went to a meeting and I stayed clean. 

    Wednesday was a day so full of anger that I am not sure how I made it through without self-destructing. I was irritable and even my hair hurt. I came home and went to a meeting and showed my ass at the meeting and cried through the whole meeting, but I didn't get high. After the meeting, I came home and got into it with my 15 year old and she took off and didn't come home all night. I was mentally and physically exhausted.

    Today I didn't cry ALL day!! I had a great day at work and boytoy is coming to spend the night tonight and said he is taking my daughter and I out on Sunday and spending the night again. I am a little concerned. I don't want to get caught up with him. I don't trust him. I don't trust anyone. I don't want to get into another relationship. The problem? I want to spend more and more time with him and he is constantly on my mind. I keep telling my sponsor and myself that he is a nice distraction. I didn't use. Worrying about my daughter all night on top of everything else made me really sick physically and mentally. I was so grateful when I got home and saw that she had come home that nothing else mattered. Not a break up, not financial fear or fear of change. I realized while she was gone last night that the only thing that has been holding me together this week is her.

    I am sure the roller coaster will continue, but I hope that it slows down! I know that no matter how I feel, I don't have to get high today!

Changes

    Today has been the day from hell. Let me tell you what it's like being in the mind of an addict. Yesterday I finally told the live in that I'm done. I offered to move out and get an apartment because I know he has no where else to go. He told me not to worry about it and that he would leave. Within 15 minutes he was packed and gone. That went a little too easy and had me worried. I worried that he might come back and burn my house down.
    I cried off and on all day yesterday and did not want to feel what I was feeling. I was determined not to invite a man over to distract me and I was going to feel my feelings and realize they would not kill me. I went to a meeting and shared last night that I know I will get through this.
    A few years ago I met a man ten years younger than me and had a brief affair with him and we went our seperate ways. A few days ago I came into contact with him again. The spark was still there. I allowed him to sweet talk me and he ended up coming over the other night. He wanted to spend the night, but after incredible sex (younger men really have stamina!) I asked him to leave. He was pursuing me pretty hard.
   I went to work today and when I opened my car door I knocked off the sideview mirror of a coworker. This man now works with me and I was so distracted today that my phone was ringing and I tried to answer the computer mouse. I couldn't control my tears.
    This young man asked me to go swimming with him this afternoon and have a few drinks. Before I knew what happened I had agreed. As I walked away I began praying and arguing with myself. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was going to drink tonight. I text my sponsor and I called him and felt like I was losing my mind. I was so uncomfortable in my own skin. I had actually convinced myself that I am not an addict and I can live a normal life without recovery.
    I couldn't handle the negativity of the live in and it was really affecting my spirit. But he is a good guy and I feel bad for hurting him. I really do pray that he finds peace. Although I wanted him to move out I am still feeling some feelings behind it. I am afraid. There is fear of financial insecurity and fear of being alone. I don't like change. Sometimes familiar pain is comfortable. At least we know the outcome. I have a great fear of the unknown.
    I have been looking at men and trying to get outside of me. I don't want to get into another relationship, but can't seem to get this young man out of my mind. I don't know if it's him or if it's the fact I feel like I am looking for something to grasp onto so that I don't drown.

Being Unfair

    I was thinking about last night's post and how unfair I have been. I tend to portray my live-in in negative light. I have never extolled his virtues. That's what I will do here. Part of living with the disease of addiction is that I have skewed perceptions of things.

     This man loves me unconditionally. He likes takes very good to 15 year old daughter to the point of spoiling her. He cooks, he cleans and he does all of the yard work (including planting flowers) and he does all of the vehicle maintenance. He works very hard and gives me most of his check. When I lost my job a few weeks ago, he picked up a second job without complaint. Okay, with very little complaint. I come and go as I please and he never questions me.

     He really is a wonderful man in so many ways, if you exclude the phobia of intimacy. The question I have to ask myself is "Is all of this worth giving up intimacy for the unforseeable future?" I will continue to pray for that answer

Anti-Climax

      I can feel completey satisfied and fullfilled after sex even without an orgasm. I have had only a few orgasms from sex in my entire life. The reason for this train of thought? 

     My live-in is terrible in bed and I only feel frustrated after sex. He thinks he's being "Gangsta" but he's actually inconsiderate. There is no foreplay. He says "I'm naked" or just climbs on top. I have made suggested and have talked to him about it, but we are unable to come to any compromise. The problem is that he doesn't care about sex at all. He wants sex once a week at night, in the dark, in 1 of 3 positions to choose from. I try to introduce new things. I try to tell him what I need and explain to him what I want. It ends up with him being defensive and him telling me all I think about it sex and that makes me feel as if I am a pervert. He said that there's more to a relationship than sex and I agree. But sex IS part of a relationship and it should be satisfying. I don't have to climax to feel satisfied. What I am looking for is intimacy. There is no intimacy in our relationship. We don't hug, kiss or snuggle. We don't even sit together to watch TV because he hates TV.

     It has affected me to the point that I am feeling rejected and I am considering having an affair. I do know that the feelings of rejection and inadequacy have more to do with being abandoned as a child that his turning down sex. I have talked about it with my sponsor and with a couple of people in my network and I have talked about it in meetings. I don't think that I can marry him at this point. I have even considered kicking him out.

     It's about so much more than sex. I try to be very positive. I try to live a spiritual life. For every positive thing I say he has three negatives. We don't agree on anything and he doesn't seem to see anything wrong with that or want to get better. I am used to being around other people who are trying to better themselves.

Working the Steps

     I have had several sponsors over the years and I have been working with the same sponsor for the past two years. I have been sitting on the 6th Step for the past 9 months and felt a little stuck.My sponsor and I have completely different schedules and we have had some difficulty getting together. Something always seems to come up with one of us.

     There is a guy in the program with 21 years clean. I really respect his clean time and recovery and I have asked him to work steps with me. It has been amazing. He doesn't give me an assignment and send me home to do it. The literature says that we work actively with a sponsor. If I am writing the steps myself it is more like self-help. We stick to the literature and focus on all of the spiritual principles in the steps. When I see him at meetings he questions me about definitions. When I demonstrate solid knowledge of the step we move ahead to the next step.

     To be honest, with my clean time I didn't think there was much he could teach me about the steps, but I wanted to learn about spirituality from him. I have been openminded and am amazed to see the steps in a whole new light!

Letter to my Daughter

My dearest daughter,

          I can't help but notice you turning into an exceptional young woman right before my eyes! You simply amaze me each and every day with your beauty and your sense of humor. I have been thinking a lot lately about the things I have learned in life and what I would want you to know. It is difficult to sum it all up in a letter but I am going to try.

          First and foremost, I want to say that I love you beyond belief. I never realized it was possible to love someone so fiercely and unconditionally until I had children. You were the most amazingly beautiful baby I had ever seen. You were so very tiny that you fit in the palm of your daddy's hand. Because you were so premature you had to stay in the hospital for two months. Leaving the hospital without you was the hardest thing I ever had to do. You fought for your life baby girl. You are strong and you are a survivor. You were 3.3 pounds and we weren't sure you were going to make it. We aren't sure why you arrived two months early, but you were ready to greet the world.

       I have watched you grow and change so much in 15 short years. You were a quiet baby and always quick with a smile. I wanted to keep you small and innocent for as long as I could. I began to work two jobs and you spent most of that time with your grandmother and her friends. You went from a toddler to a little old lady very quickly. You didn't play much with toys or use your imagination. You seemed content just sitting still and watching the world go by.

          Out of all four of my children you are the only one I managed to keep with me. What a pleasure and a terror it was!!The please is in watching you grow and mature and develop your own personality. The terror comes when  I think about how much like me you truly are! I know you hate to hear about how much alike we are, but I see myself in you. Let me tell you how…

          I see how you attract attention from young men and your face just lights up. That’s not a bad thing, but I see you seeking attention from people much like I have done my entire life. Your worth is in who you are on the inside and in your relationship with God. I used to think my only worth was between my legs or what I could buy or do for someone. I found my sense of worth in what I believed others thought of me. Today I am learning to like myself and know that I have value simply because I am a child of God.

         I witness how much you internalize your feelings and have a difficult time expressing yourself. I feel responsible for that because I never taught you how to express yourself and never heard you the times you tried. I am listening now baby. Don’t keep all of those feelings bottled up inside of you. They will keep you sick. Remember, we are only as sick as our secrets.

      For many years I stayed locked in active addiction because I didn’t like who I was. I felt like I didn’t fit in or measure up. I felt like I wasn’t good enough and I was uncomfortable in my own skin. I didn’t know how to express anything except joy and anger. Everything I felt came out as anger. It was a defense mechanism for me. I didn’t know how to express feeling inadequate, guilt, shame, or how to express feeling inadequate or lonely. I just wanted someone to love me and accept me for who I was.

     I may not express it often, but I love you for who you are and I am so proud of you. You are a wonderful young lady and I pray that you know that and that you know in your heart that you are just as God means you to be.

Staying Still

       I was on my way to a meeting the other day and I was talking to my sponsor about the fact that we are both looking for jobs. I was wound up and thinking of all of the places I could send my resume and wondering how we are going to survive financially. My sponsor told me she was worried about her situation because she knows she is in the care of. She knows God will see to all of her needs and place her where she needs to be. Her advice to me? "Be still." I need to allow God to work in my life and quit getting in His way. Things are already all worked out. It's okay on the otherside and all I have to do is take God's hand and walk through it.

      I have tried to be still. Don't get me wrong; I am not sitting on the couch eating bon bons waiting for God to deliver a job to my front door. I am doing my part. I am putting in applications and getting my resume out there. I am showing up for interviews and asking God to let my inner light shine. True surrender is putting in the footwork and allowing God to determine the outcome. All I need to do is find acceptance with the outcome.

       When I  look back over my life I know that God has never abandoned me. He has been here all along. He never tested me or punished me. When I  or someone else in my life acted on self-will and it caused me pain God carried me through those times and brought me comfort. God will do for me what I can't do for myself, but He will not do for me what I can do for myself. I have never done without what I needed. I may do without some things I want sometimes, but all of my basic needs have always been met. I have prayed for things I thought I wanted and then had to pray for them to be removed because I couldn't handle them. I need to let God bring me to whatever it is He knows I can handle.