Shattered Hopes

 Shattered Hopes

I am 7 years old and he lays me on his chest

The way a real father would cradle a newborn

My legs straddle his waist

A comforting hand rubbing my back and hair.

I feel him harden beneath me

His buttons press into my flesh

I complain, he removes his pants

There is more pain, indescribable, piercing pain

Unbearable tearing, burning, stretching.

Sitting in the bathtub, small and shaking

So much blood and pain

He bathes me and comforts me

He tells me what a good girl I am

My grooming is complete

Mommy met him at work

She smiles and laughs with a glimmer in her eye

No more raised fists or empty bellies

They dance through the living room

“Muskrat Love” and giggles

His hand on her bottom, more giggles

No daycare, he works days. She works nights

Finally, a good man to help her raise her baby.

He tells me he loves me and shows me

Night after night

While mommy is at work I’m his special girl

The shame of my body’s responses keep  me quiet

No threats needed

The scent of our secret in the air

Mommy finds out what a dirty girl I am

Her hopes for her new family shattered

Like the porcelain doll I dropped last year

She send me away

Throws me out

Like yesterday's trash

---

Unmanagability and Chaos

   Would anyone like to ride the roller coaster with me? It's a long and crazy lonely ride.

  After being expelled from school a year ago I was finally able to get my son enrolled in high school this week. What a challenge this has been. Apparently taking flex to school and trying to sell it is frowned upon, having a knife in your pocket while this is transpiring does not add to his case.

  Things are still very much up in the air as far as my job goes and it's not a good feeling.

   School is driving me crazy. I have a 4.0 but I want a 4.7.

  Significant other is fine. Fucked up. Insecure. Neurotic and Emotional. I laid in the bed tonight and played out the fantasy of kicking him in the head really hard and pretending it was an accident

The "Keeping my head down" Campaign

Have you ever felt like you're on a roller coaster ride in life? Sometimes you're at the top and sometimes you're at the bottom? I would like to feel that way once in a while. At least that way I could experience what it feels like to be on top.

Nope, not me, not at work. I am perpetually on the bottom. I work for this woman who has an amazing business sense and really knows the line of business we are in. She; however, has the social skills and diplomacy of Hitler! She is the type of person who has no problem with putting others down or making you feel stupid. She is intolerant, critical and judgemental.

I am usually at trouble at work and I tend to not fit into the office any better than I fit into society as a whole. I am louder and less polished than my coworkers. Generally, I am accepted and liked anyway. My boss can't stand me and no matter what I do, it's not good enough.

I used to feel like I was working for someone with a severe mood disorder. One day I'm on top and can do no wrong and then next day I am on the bottom and can do nothing right. Lately, I just hang out at the bottom. Look on the bright side...It's a lot less farther to fall. My newest transgression? I fainted at work.

I passed out at work and it affected our workers comp ranking. I filed private insurance for the medical bills and the ambulance ride, but it still had to be filed as workers comp. Therefore we won't receive our safety bonus for this month and for this I am being punished. I understand being disappointed but to be angry? Come on!

Today was the first day she didn't have an attitude with me. I am not falling for it. It's a trap!!! Everytime I think I am rising back up, she pushes me down. Now to many this may sound like self-pity and an exaggeration, but I can assure you it is my reality. I can't afford to quit and I love my job and my co-workers. I feel like the abused child and I am the one whose siblings feel sorry for me because they aren't abused but they can't be nice to me or they will get in trouble and they are secretly glad it's not them. Not, that my co-workers are happy when I am miserable.

Anyway, I am keeping my head down and minding my own business and doing my work to the best of my ability. I have no control over a neurotic boss or anyone else, only how I respond to her.

Random Thought

   I truly believe God puts people in my life at specific times for a reason. I; however, will confuse the hell out of everything and misread cues. God can put someone in my life to teach me spiritual principles and if he is in the form of a good looking man I  have been known to believe God has sent me my "soulmate". Even though I believe people are put in my life for a reason, I get confused as to their purpose.

    I am learning to stop trying to force things and to allow things to flow. Nothing is permanent and today I am grateful for that.

Who Am I

Who Am I?

A victim of rage
A survivor of Abuse
A result of promiscuity
A volunteer of self-loathing, self-pity and self-obsession.
Blessed numbness in the bottom of a bottle
Emotional regulation in a pill.
Hopelessness, helplessness, desperation
My bottom had a trapdoor
Disillusion, degradation and near death
Sitting on the edge of the bed praying to God to get the knife a little bit deeper

Sex Lets Me Know We're Okay

   I came home late Saturday night after skinny dipping with s group of addicts. I thought the boyfriend would be upset about the late night arrival, but he wanted to have sex. That let me know that everything was okay between us. I am seeing a pattern here.

   When I'm feeling guilty about something or I've made my husband/boyfriend mad or there seems to be tension between us I will initiate sex. If I can get the guy to have sex with me, things must not be so bad. It lets me know we're okay. If a man I am dating is angry with me, it gives me a sense of power to bring him to orgasm.

   If I come across a man who shows no interest or is openly hostile I will begin to flirt and become provocative. Even if it is only sex they are interested in, at least they are itnerested in something.

I behave in a way to draw attention and interest from a man and then am resentful when they respond. If I can get them to respond, if reinforces the lie in my head that sex is all I am worth and it's all I have to offer.

   As I use sex to attempt to create intimacy I am actually blocking intimacy. Instead of developing mental, emotional and spiritual intimacy I focus the relaionship on the physical aspect. I have always judged how good a relationship was on how good the sex was. I describe myself as a highly sexual person when the truth is that I am insecure, needy and have low self-esteem and sense of worth. I have always based my self-worth on how many guys I could get to want to sleep with me. The better looking they were or the more socially acceptable or the more money they had...the more I thought I was worth.

   What I didn't realize until recovery was that the more men wanted to sleep with me the more resentful I became and I reinforced the lie that sex was all I was good for. The more I fed my ego, the more it tore down my self-esteem. The lower my self-esteem dropped, the more I acted out. I stayed locked in a vicious cycle.

Letting Go of Attachments

   I hope no one thought I was going to tell you how to let go of attachments. I am struggling with this right now. My big question this weekend is "Why can't enough be enough"? Why can't I be okay with what I have instead of always wanting more or something different or I think it would be perfect if I just tweeked it a bit. The problem is that nothing is as it seems so when I get what I think I want, my perception of it changes and I don't want it any more. What I need to do it accept what is and not just accept it, but be okay with it. I wanted a man who was available and now I have one and find that I want more.