I relapsed this week and to be honest, I felt it coming. Many in my network saw it coming. The truth is, I relapsed long before I ever picked up. I was engaging in thoughts, attitudes and behaviors that are indicitive of active addiction. I suffered from a general negative outlook and felt like I was on spiritual life support. I turned my back on God. I was calling out to Him with my words, but pushing him away with my actions.
I have a newcomer living with me, and he relapsed as well. However, my relapse has nothing to do with him. I have been sharing for three months that I felt it was coming. He was my excuse to use. I not only hurt myself, but I hurt him, because as a newcomer, he thinks he could have stopped me. Bless his heart. The truth is, no one could stop me. I had my mind made up and I made a conscious decision to pick up. I battled with wanting to use for several months now, but in the back of my mind, I knew it was inevitable.
I started romancing the lifestyle. If the dope won't kill you, the lifestyle will. I was getting attention from all of these young dope boys and that felt good. I liked feeling like I was apathetic and above feeling anything. I liked feeling powerful. That is a drug to me. I didn't want to be alone. I didn't want to feel alone and I wanted to cover my feelings and I also wanted to feel accepted. I felt disconnected to the people in the rooms because I emotionally and mentally isolated myself from them. I had people in my network who tried to tell me there was a train coming, but I didn't want to hear it. I thought I was more powerful than my disease. I thought I could handle it this time.
The thing is, I got high and didn't enjoy it in anyway. I managed to piss off the person I live with because I was acting so crazy. I felt so paranoid and couldn't even enjoy my high. I knew the whole time my mind was racing that I was doing something wrong. Once you know, you can't unknow.
The person I live with took my car at 3:30 this morning to run to the store and didn't come home until 1:00pm. He was out using all night. I feel guilt, I felt like I should have at least tried to stop him. I went through an array of feelings. I was angry and afraid, disappointed and felt guilt. This man came to me with the intention of me helping him stay focused and stay clean and I feel like I let him down. I was angry with him, but other addicts pointed out to me, that it's really the disease of addiction I am angry with. He is a great guy, but once we put one in, we are no longer in control. It changes us.
We both talked to our sponsors today and made a meeting tonight. We made the white chip walk of shame and shared our relapse with the group. It was a humbling experience to know that I threw away five and a half years of recovery. My sponsor said now that I feel humble, God can use me.
I feel some kind of way about living with an addict new to recovery. It brought back a lot of feelings from when I lived with my ex-husband in active addiction. A few people told me that he doesn't need to be living here. I don't want to hear it. I want him here. We can help each other. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be drug through active addiction again either. We are supposed to be friends who live together, but I am developing feelings for this man and I know that I will have a hard time letting go if it ever comes to that. The bottom line is that I want to stick by him no matter what and maybe he will see that and fall in love with me and see how good I am for him and he will want to get clean and stay clean and never want to leave. I also know, I will let go before I jeopardize my recovery again.
Thank you to my doodlebug who kept my confidence and gave me support and unconditional love when I didn't know where else to turn!!!
Saturday, September 1, 2012
Friday, August 24, 2012
Jails, Institutions and Unemployment
My disease manifests itself in many ways and the past two months have shown me just how deadly my disease is. I MUST stay vigilant or my disease will kill me. I have no doubt about this. We often hear it said in meetings that drug use is only a symptom of our disease and I think that we hear it so much that we don't really think about it.
I hired ten people with backgrounds and lost my job because of it. I knew they had backgrounds and I saw myself as this giver of second chances, this saver of lost souls. I needed my ego fed. I was overly involved with the men and woman who worked with me and it cost me my job. I want to sit here and feel sorry for myself, but I did this to myself. I hit a low point and hit a bottom.
I joined a dating website to get my ego fed. It feels incredibly good to have men tell me I am beautiful and want to be with me. There is one in Africa who asked me to marry him and I have a Caribean guy in North Carolina who wants to spoil me rotten. The attention and compliments are wonderful and make me feel so good. I can get caught up in projection and fairy tales and have to bring myself back to the real world.
I met a man in the rooms on Tuesday and he shared that he is new to the area and new to the program. He doesn't know anyone and wants to build a network. I approached him after the meeting and asked him if he would like a ride to the noon meeting the next day and he said yes. Later that night I spoke with him by phone and he expressed a sexual interest. I let him know up front what I am looking for in a relationship and I am not looking for a hook up. We made plans for me to pick him up on Wednesday morning and go to the gym to work out.
I picked him up and we worked out. I had overworked one of my thighs and he bent down to massage it. I suggested that the workout was over and asked him if he was ready to go home. He said no so I brought him home with me. We ended up having sex. We then went to the noon meeting and I invited him to move in. I had known him less than twenty four hours.
The point? He has moved all of his stuff in and we have talked about what this means. I am giving him a place to stay until he gets on his feet and I am helping him with his recovery. We are friends. We also happen to be sharing a bed and having sex. I might be okay if that's all it was. We talk all day. We sit on the couch and watch movies and cuddle and he is very affectionate. I think in the past three days the lines have begun to blur. I know he is only staying for a couple of months and I already don't want him to move out. I enjoy having him here. I am trying not to get caught up and let my feelings get involved because I think I will end up getting hurt. We keep verbalizing an understanding of what is supposed to be happening and then we send mixed signals to each other. I already know in my head and my heart that I will become attached. He knows this too. We both also know that recovery must come first. That is vital. If we don't keep recovery first, a relationship or anything else is not going to matter.
We left a meeting tonight and he said that he needed to go to his aunt's house to cut her hair and he was just going to spend the night. I felt some kind of way about that. What if he doesn't want to come back? I miss him being here already and it's only been three days. He text me after he had been there less than an hour and said he missed me already. I am supposed to go pick him up in the morning.
This is more than me helping out a newcomer. I want this to work. I am getting caught up. I am trying to not obsess and just enjoy whatever this is, for however long it lasts and remind myself that God puts people in my life for a reason, a season or a lifetime and only God knows the future. I can spend however long we have worrying, or I can waste time worrying and completely miss the purpose of why he is there.
I hired ten people with backgrounds and lost my job because of it. I knew they had backgrounds and I saw myself as this giver of second chances, this saver of lost souls. I needed my ego fed. I was overly involved with the men and woman who worked with me and it cost me my job. I want to sit here and feel sorry for myself, but I did this to myself. I hit a low point and hit a bottom.
I joined a dating website to get my ego fed. It feels incredibly good to have men tell me I am beautiful and want to be with me. There is one in Africa who asked me to marry him and I have a Caribean guy in North Carolina who wants to spoil me rotten. The attention and compliments are wonderful and make me feel so good. I can get caught up in projection and fairy tales and have to bring myself back to the real world.
I met a man in the rooms on Tuesday and he shared that he is new to the area and new to the program. He doesn't know anyone and wants to build a network. I approached him after the meeting and asked him if he would like a ride to the noon meeting the next day and he said yes. Later that night I spoke with him by phone and he expressed a sexual interest. I let him know up front what I am looking for in a relationship and I am not looking for a hook up. We made plans for me to pick him up on Wednesday morning and go to the gym to work out.
I picked him up and we worked out. I had overworked one of my thighs and he bent down to massage it. I suggested that the workout was over and asked him if he was ready to go home. He said no so I brought him home with me. We ended up having sex. We then went to the noon meeting and I invited him to move in. I had known him less than twenty four hours.
The point? He has moved all of his stuff in and we have talked about what this means. I am giving him a place to stay until he gets on his feet and I am helping him with his recovery. We are friends. We also happen to be sharing a bed and having sex. I might be okay if that's all it was. We talk all day. We sit on the couch and watch movies and cuddle and he is very affectionate. I think in the past three days the lines have begun to blur. I know he is only staying for a couple of months and I already don't want him to move out. I enjoy having him here. I am trying not to get caught up and let my feelings get involved because I think I will end up getting hurt. We keep verbalizing an understanding of what is supposed to be happening and then we send mixed signals to each other. I already know in my head and my heart that I will become attached. He knows this too. We both also know that recovery must come first. That is vital. If we don't keep recovery first, a relationship or anything else is not going to matter.
We left a meeting tonight and he said that he needed to go to his aunt's house to cut her hair and he was just going to spend the night. I felt some kind of way about that. What if he doesn't want to come back? I miss him being here already and it's only been three days. He text me after he had been there less than an hour and said he missed me already. I am supposed to go pick him up in the morning.
This is more than me helping out a newcomer. I want this to work. I am getting caught up. I am trying to not obsess and just enjoy whatever this is, for however long it lasts and remind myself that God puts people in my life for a reason, a season or a lifetime and only God knows the future. I can spend however long we have worrying, or I can waste time worrying and completely miss the purpose of why he is there.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Finding some acceptance
It has been a long an emotional week. I have been up and down and numb. I remember when I used to pay good money to get numb. It is a blessed relief from the pain. Eric is coming to spend the night tonight. I have been thinking a lot in the past few days about how he reminds me of my oldest children's father. When we started dating. He was charming and manipulative and knew all of the right things to say. He would come and go as he pleased, but when he was around I would forget all about being angry at him. I have heard that in life we are presented with situations that allow us to deal with issues from our past. He make act the same as someone from my past in many ways, but I am a different person. Today I am more mature, more aware and less inclined to put up with too much bullshit. Today I know that I have choices.
I am finding some acceptance that I don't have to find "the one". I can enjoy who I am with right now and when God is ready for me to meet "the one" nothing on earth can change that. I must also accept, that just as some of us die from this disease, I may not find true love. I have to accept that I am in the position I am in due to my own choices and 99% of what happens in my life has to do with me. If I want something different I need to do something different.
I also have to accept that it's okay to feel empy and feel that void I feel without the need to fill it with something. I will continue to ask God to fill that void.
I had a using dream last night and it didn't scare me. I woke up thinking that I had some acceptance. I used and that was okay. I haven't sat through a meeting in a week and I am okay with that. My sponsor is not pushing me, which is really cool. I will get back in there, probably tomorrow, but I will not use.
I am finding some acceptance that I don't have to find "the one". I can enjoy who I am with right now and when God is ready for me to meet "the one" nothing on earth can change that. I must also accept, that just as some of us die from this disease, I may not find true love. I have to accept that I am in the position I am in due to my own choices and 99% of what happens in my life has to do with me. If I want something different I need to do something different.
I also have to accept that it's okay to feel empy and feel that void I feel without the need to fill it with something. I will continue to ask God to fill that void.
I had a using dream last night and it didn't scare me. I woke up thinking that I had some acceptance. I used and that was okay. I haven't sat through a meeting in a week and I am okay with that. My sponsor is not pushing me, which is really cool. I will get back in there, probably tomorrow, but I will not use.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Being a Whore
I have been sitting here rereading my posts over the past week. I cried myself to sleep last night and felt very alone and lonely and raw. I never did hear from boytoy. My sponsor suggested that if I felt that bad I may want to consider inviting the live-in back home. I told him that I didn't want to do that because it wasn't working. There was a general negative outlook in that relationship and a lack of intimacy. Inviting him back would be just to ease the pain.
I woke up this morning and still felt very raw and alone. I broke down and begged the live-in to come back home. Thank God, one of us has good sense. He said no. I hurt him and he is done, it is over. He told me that I made my decision and I have to live with it. He is right, but it really stung.
I laid in bed all morning until it was time to go to work. Igot up and got dressed and did my hair and make-up. I went to work and there is a new LP specialist at work and she is a bitch. I hated her immediately. I had told married man to come in and get a tour of the facility before he starts tomorrow. This was just an excuse. He came in and flirted. We left at the same time so I followed him down a back road and pulled over. He got into my car and kissed me. Oh my!!! Then he went home to his family and I was left alone.
I went to a sponsees house and then went grocery shopping with her. She told me to put all of my attention and focus on my children instead of these men. She was right, but I wasn't trying to feel it. I came home and cooked and Eric said he was coming to spend the night. This perked me up.
I went to a meeting tonight and after being there about 30 minutes Eric called me and text me to tell me that he had come by twice and I wasn't here so he drove back home. We ended up arguing and I asked him why he didn't tell me he was on the way and I would have ensured I was here. He said he was trying to surprise me. I was so angry and had a panicked feeling. He said he may come back tonight and said he may just stay tomorrow night. He is supposed to call me back and let me know either way.
Knowing me, I will let him come and then raise hell when he gets here. What I have come to realize is that I am sick. I have something wrong psychologically, mentally and emotionally. I am attention seeking and need to feel wanted and needed. I constantly need reassurance from someone else that I am okay and worthy. I don't know how to change this. I think it's time I get some real therapy.
I woke up this morning and still felt very raw and alone. I broke down and begged the live-in to come back home. Thank God, one of us has good sense. He said no. I hurt him and he is done, it is over. He told me that I made my decision and I have to live with it. He is right, but it really stung.
I laid in bed all morning until it was time to go to work. Igot up and got dressed and did my hair and make-up. I went to work and there is a new LP specialist at work and she is a bitch. I hated her immediately. I had told married man to come in and get a tour of the facility before he starts tomorrow. This was just an excuse. He came in and flirted. We left at the same time so I followed him down a back road and pulled over. He got into my car and kissed me. Oh my!!! Then he went home to his family and I was left alone.
I went to a sponsees house and then went grocery shopping with her. She told me to put all of my attention and focus on my children instead of these men. She was right, but I wasn't trying to feel it. I came home and cooked and Eric said he was coming to spend the night. This perked me up.
I went to a meeting tonight and after being there about 30 minutes Eric called me and text me to tell me that he had come by twice and I wasn't here so he drove back home. We ended up arguing and I asked him why he didn't tell me he was on the way and I would have ensured I was here. He said he was trying to surprise me. I was so angry and had a panicked feeling. He said he may come back tonight and said he may just stay tomorrow night. He is supposed to call me back and let me know either way.
Knowing me, I will let him come and then raise hell when he gets here. What I have come to realize is that I am sick. I have something wrong psychologically, mentally and emotionally. I am attention seeking and need to feel wanted and needed. I constantly need reassurance from someone else that I am okay and worthy. I don't know how to change this. I think it's time I get some real therapy.
Saturday, July 14, 2012
Alone and Lonely
It is 11:00pm on a Saturday night and I am sitting here feeling a weight on my heart. I just got off of the phone with my sponsor and he told me to make plans for tomorrow with one of my sponsees so I won't be isolating tomorrow. I don't want to. I don't feel like being social. I worked today and notice that I am really throwing myself into my job lately. There are a few reasons for that. First of all, it's a new job and it's a lot of work and I want to impress the powers that be. Secondly, I receive much attention from the guys as work and right now it is like a salve to my wounded ego. I walk around in a state of bliss all day long because I feel so wanted, powerful and desired. I also noticed yesterday that I have lost some weight and I have taken more care with my appearance since I've been working. This makes me feel better about myseslf. I am doing a new weight loss program, but I think the depression has more to do with the weight loss that anything I am intentionally doing.
Then it's time to come home and reality sets in. I am alone. Boytoy called when we got off of work today and said he wanted to spend the night tonight and I said okay. I was looking forward to it. Our original plan was for him to come over tomorrow night and stay and we would get up for work on Monday. I called several times when I didn't hear from him this evening and his phones are turned off. They keep going straight to voicemail. My feelings are hurt and I am angry. I picture him laid up with a girl somewhere with his phones off so they won't be disturbed. I can't believe he didn't have the decency to at least call or text and cancel. The only thing I really demand in a relationship is respect. Keep it 100 with me. Be honest, tell me what you want and I'll let you know if it's something I'm interested in. If you are seeing someone and just want someone on the side I can respect that for right now. But don't tell me you're single if you aren't. Keep it real. Be honest. If you want something on the side let me know so that I can do me and I am not sitting around waiting on your ass everyday. I was telling my sponsor that this is probably a good thing. I was telling him that I was starting to become consumed with Boytoy and that's not healthy for me either. When I put the live-in out I swore to myself that I am going to take time for me and not take another hostage or victim right now. It is better to end it now before I get in too deep. I know this logically, but I still keep checking my phone to see if it's working. I already know that when I talk to him tomorrow and hear his excuse I will let him come over. I have been daydreaming about him being here full time. I don't think I've ever really been alone in my life. I keep thinking I am going to be alone forever then it dawned on me that I've only been single a week and have already been with two men and had three sleep overs.
Let's talk about married man. I just got out of a four year relationship with a married man last year. I finally had to break it off because it left my spirit feeling very unsettled. I didn't want to continue to cause hurt or harm to him, his wife or myself. I swore that I would never get involved with a married man again. It's too painful and I am not the sort who likes to share. This guy is pretty smooth though.
I am not in any shape to be in a relationship. I need to be okay with being alone first. I need to be okay with me. I want a relationship for the joy, not because I am looking for an escape from loneliness.
Then it's time to come home and reality sets in. I am alone. Boytoy called when we got off of work today and said he wanted to spend the night tonight and I said okay. I was looking forward to it. Our original plan was for him to come over tomorrow night and stay and we would get up for work on Monday. I called several times when I didn't hear from him this evening and his phones are turned off. They keep going straight to voicemail. My feelings are hurt and I am angry. I picture him laid up with a girl somewhere with his phones off so they won't be disturbed. I can't believe he didn't have the decency to at least call or text and cancel. The only thing I really demand in a relationship is respect. Keep it 100 with me. Be honest, tell me what you want and I'll let you know if it's something I'm interested in. If you are seeing someone and just want someone on the side I can respect that for right now. But don't tell me you're single if you aren't. Keep it real. Be honest. If you want something on the side let me know so that I can do me and I am not sitting around waiting on your ass everyday. I was telling my sponsor that this is probably a good thing. I was telling him that I was starting to become consumed with Boytoy and that's not healthy for me either. When I put the live-in out I swore to myself that I am going to take time for me and not take another hostage or victim right now. It is better to end it now before I get in too deep. I know this logically, but I still keep checking my phone to see if it's working. I already know that when I talk to him tomorrow and hear his excuse I will let him come over. I have been daydreaming about him being here full time. I don't think I've ever really been alone in my life. I keep thinking I am going to be alone forever then it dawned on me that I've only been single a week and have already been with two men and had three sleep overs.
Let's talk about married man. I just got out of a four year relationship with a married man last year. I finally had to break it off because it left my spirit feeling very unsettled. I didn't want to continue to cause hurt or harm to him, his wife or myself. I swore that I would never get involved with a married man again. It's too painful and I am not the sort who likes to share. This guy is pretty smooth though.
I am not in any shape to be in a relationship. I need to be okay with being alone first. I need to be okay with me. I want a relationship for the joy, not because I am looking for an escape from loneliness.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Clean and Crazy
This week I have felt like I used. I have had the roller coaster of emotions and the crazy thinking. Thank God for a sponsor, a spiritual connection and a network!
When I asked the live in to move out on Monday it really hurt, but there were feelings of relief and hope as well. I went to a meeting. I sat in my feelings and I didn't act out. My sponsor listened to me cry during phone call after phone call. A sponsee came and got me and took me to a meeting. I cried a lot.
Monday I was sitting at work and felt like I was losing my mind. I wanted to use so badly that my skin was crawling and I threw up. All of my employees really cheered me up and having two young guys trying to hit on me was flattering to my ego. One of them, we'll call him boytoy number 1 is someone I went out with a couple of years ago and ran across him last week. I came home from work and could barely function. I cried and talked to my sponsor for hours. I went to a meeting and cried through the whole thing and I didn't use. Boytoy came over and spent the night and it felt good to get my thoughts and feelings off of the negative. The sex was incredible and he actually wanted to hold me while we fell asleep. I haven't felt that wanted in a long time.
Tuesday, I went to work and I cried. I was irritable and again, my employees cheered me up. I really throw myself into my work. Boytoy 1 cheered me up and kept me laughing every time I made a round on the floor. I came home and I cried. I went to a meeting and I stayed clean.
Wednesday was a day so full of anger that I am not sure how I made it through without self-destructing. I was irritable and even my hair hurt. I came home and went to a meeting and showed my ass at the meeting and cried through the whole meeting, but I didn't get high. After the meeting, I came home and got into it with my 15 year old and she took off and didn't come home all night. I was mentally and physically exhausted.
Today I didn't cry ALL day!! I had a great day at work and boytoy is coming to spend the night tonight and said he is taking my daughter and I out on Sunday and spending the night again. I am a little concerned. I don't want to get caught up with him. I don't trust him. I don't trust anyone. I don't want to get into another relationship. The problem? I want to spend more and more time with him and he is constantly on my mind. I keep telling my sponsor and myself that he is a nice distraction. I didn't use. Worrying about my daughter all night on top of everything else made me really sick physically and mentally. I was so grateful when I got home and saw that she had come home that nothing else mattered. Not a break up, not financial fear or fear of change. I realized while she was gone last night that the only thing that has been holding me together this week is her.
I am sure the roller coaster will continue, but I hope that it slows down! I know that no matter how I feel, I don't have to get high today!
When I asked the live in to move out on Monday it really hurt, but there were feelings of relief and hope as well. I went to a meeting. I sat in my feelings and I didn't act out. My sponsor listened to me cry during phone call after phone call. A sponsee came and got me and took me to a meeting. I cried a lot.
Monday I was sitting at work and felt like I was losing my mind. I wanted to use so badly that my skin was crawling and I threw up. All of my employees really cheered me up and having two young guys trying to hit on me was flattering to my ego. One of them, we'll call him boytoy number 1 is someone I went out with a couple of years ago and ran across him last week. I came home from work and could barely function. I cried and talked to my sponsor for hours. I went to a meeting and cried through the whole thing and I didn't use. Boytoy came over and spent the night and it felt good to get my thoughts and feelings off of the negative. The sex was incredible and he actually wanted to hold me while we fell asleep. I haven't felt that wanted in a long time.
Tuesday, I went to work and I cried. I was irritable and again, my employees cheered me up. I really throw myself into my work. Boytoy 1 cheered me up and kept me laughing every time I made a round on the floor. I came home and I cried. I went to a meeting and I stayed clean.
Wednesday was a day so full of anger that I am not sure how I made it through without self-destructing. I was irritable and even my hair hurt. I came home and went to a meeting and showed my ass at the meeting and cried through the whole meeting, but I didn't get high. After the meeting, I came home and got into it with my 15 year old and she took off and didn't come home all night. I was mentally and physically exhausted.
Today I didn't cry ALL day!! I had a great day at work and boytoy is coming to spend the night tonight and said he is taking my daughter and I out on Sunday and spending the night again. I am a little concerned. I don't want to get caught up with him. I don't trust him. I don't trust anyone. I don't want to get into another relationship. The problem? I want to spend more and more time with him and he is constantly on my mind. I keep telling my sponsor and myself that he is a nice distraction. I didn't use. Worrying about my daughter all night on top of everything else made me really sick physically and mentally. I was so grateful when I got home and saw that she had come home that nothing else mattered. Not a break up, not financial fear or fear of change. I realized while she was gone last night that the only thing that has been holding me together this week is her.
I am sure the roller coaster will continue, but I hope that it slows down! I know that no matter how I feel, I don't have to get high today!
Monday, July 9, 2012
Changes
Today has been the day from hell. Let me tell you what it's like being in the mind of an addict. Yesterday I finally told the live in that I'm done. I offered to move out and get an apartment because I know he has no where else to go. He told me not to worry about it and that he would leave. Within 15 minutes he was packed and gone. That went a little too easy and had me worried. I worried that he might come back and burn my house down.
I cried off and on all day yesterday and did not want to feel what I was feeling. I was determined not to invite a man over to distract me and I was going to feel my feelings and realize they would not kill me. I went to a meeting and shared last night that I know I will get through this.
A few years ago I met a man ten years younger than me and had a brief affair with him and we went our seperate ways. A few days ago I came into contact with him again. The spark was still there. I allowed him to sweet talk me and he ended up coming over the other night. He wanted to spend the night, but after incredible sex (younger men really have stamina!) I asked him to leave. He was pursuing me pretty hard.
I went to work today and when I opened my car door I knocked off the sideview mirror of a coworker. This man now works with me and I was so distracted today that my phone was ringing and I tried to answer the computer mouse. I couldn't control my tears.
This young man asked me to go swimming with him this afternoon and have a few drinks. Before I knew what happened I had agreed. As I walked away I began praying and arguing with myself. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was going to drink tonight. I text my sponsor and I called him and felt like I was losing my mind. I was so uncomfortable in my own skin. I had actually convinced myself that I am not an addict and I can live a normal life without recovery.
I couldn't handle the negativity of the live in and it was really affecting my spirit. But he is a good guy and I feel bad for hurting him. I really do pray that he finds peace. Although I wanted him to move out I am still feeling some feelings behind it. I am afraid. There is fear of financial insecurity and fear of being alone. I don't like change. Sometimes familiar pain is comfortable. At least we know the outcome. I have a great fear of the unknown.
I have been looking at men and trying to get outside of me. I don't want to get into another relationship, but can't seem to get this young man out of my mind. I don't know if it's him or if it's the fact I feel like I am looking for something to grasp onto so that I don't drown.
I cried off and on all day yesterday and did not want to feel what I was feeling. I was determined not to invite a man over to distract me and I was going to feel my feelings and realize they would not kill me. I went to a meeting and shared last night that I know I will get through this.
A few years ago I met a man ten years younger than me and had a brief affair with him and we went our seperate ways. A few days ago I came into contact with him again. The spark was still there. I allowed him to sweet talk me and he ended up coming over the other night. He wanted to spend the night, but after incredible sex (younger men really have stamina!) I asked him to leave. He was pursuing me pretty hard.
I went to work today and when I opened my car door I knocked off the sideview mirror of a coworker. This man now works with me and I was so distracted today that my phone was ringing and I tried to answer the computer mouse. I couldn't control my tears.
This young man asked me to go swimming with him this afternoon and have a few drinks. Before I knew what happened I had agreed. As I walked away I began praying and arguing with myself. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was going to drink tonight. I text my sponsor and I called him and felt like I was losing my mind. I was so uncomfortable in my own skin. I had actually convinced myself that I am not an addict and I can live a normal life without recovery.
I couldn't handle the negativity of the live in and it was really affecting my spirit. But he is a good guy and I feel bad for hurting him. I really do pray that he finds peace. Although I wanted him to move out I am still feeling some feelings behind it. I am afraid. There is fear of financial insecurity and fear of being alone. I don't like change. Sometimes familiar pain is comfortable. At least we know the outcome. I have a great fear of the unknown.
I have been looking at men and trying to get outside of me. I don't want to get into another relationship, but can't seem to get this young man out of my mind. I don't know if it's him or if it's the fact I feel like I am looking for something to grasp onto so that I don't drown.
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