Reservations and Amends

February 19, 2012

     Today's meditation was about reservations in our program. What I have come to understand about myself is that I make it through trauma just fine. I got through a divorce, the start of two new relationships, the end of a relationship, the death of my mother and the loss of several jobs in recovery. What I have trouble with are my day to day feelings and the small irritations of living life on life's terms. I know that without a shadow of a doubt I can make it through anything clean.

    This week my dad called me to tell me that my mom was not only diagnosed with breast cancer, but already had a masectomy and couple of weeks ago. I had no idea. They didn't want to tell me because they felt that with the diagnoses of diabetes and getting laid off it might be too much for me to handle. They thought I was too fragile. One thing I most certainly am not is fragile. I guess they would not know that since I hide so much from them and they know next to nothing about me or my life. It did upset me, but not unreasonably so. I did mention to my sponsor that my mother is an amends I have yet to make and I don't know how or if I am ready. I am willing and know that I owe one, but can't get past the thought that it won't change anything. I desire a relationship with this woman who opened her home and her heart to me. I get so upset with myself for throwing it all away and not seeing it for what it was....a gift from God. I didn't know how to get past the hurt, anger, resentment and fear the abandonment from my birth mother caused. I didn't know how to let go of the pain and embrace the life they were giving me. I knew nothing of acceptance and feel like I wasn't capable of it at the time. My behavior, attitude and perceptions caused irreparable damage to this relationship. My need to find answers and to not only seek out my birth mother, but to be dishonest about it severed any relationship that may have been had. I was so self-centered and consumed in my own pain that I never thought about the pain I was causing her. I was so caught up in my own resentment and expectations that I didn't recognize hers. I can see things more clearly now and fear it's too late.

     I am not responsible for how she receives my amends. My only job is to make it without expectations of the outcome. I am not sure how to make amends without trying to explain and justify my behavior. Another stumbling block in my amends is the fact that I am still so financially dependent on them and one of the things that upsets her is that I haven't grown up. I believe that until I become financially responsible I will not be able to make proper amends. I owe them more than I could ever repay them.

Letter to my Son

Dear Son,

          When I found out I was pregnant with you I was so overjoyed. Finally, I would have a family of my own that no one could take away from me. A child to love unconditionally and who would love me without conditions. I would lay awake at night and plan your future and wonder what you would look like as a toddler, a teenager, an adult. What would you be? I was going to love you and make you feel safe and secure and give you the life that I never had.

          Very quickly, reality showed up. I wanted to show you so much love, but didn’t know how. I was 21 and immature and had no idea what love was aside from fairy tale love I had read about in books. I didn't have knowledge of or experience with perseverance, gentleness, loving kindness, patience, tolerance or selflessness. I didn't know it at the time, but I didn't love myself. What I have learned over time in recovery is that if I don't love myself I can't truly love another human being.

        I had these romantic visions of your dad and I getting married and us being a family and raising the All-American son together. We were going to be a team and never make all of the mistakes our parents made. That didn't work out the way I had anticipated and I felt let down, frightened and angry. I had only known your dad a few months when I got pregnant with you and I had just run away to North Carolina from Pennsylvania. I didn't know what to do as a single mother and I seemed to be lacking that natural nurturing instinct all mothers seem to have. I saw it as failure that I had to move back in with mawmaw and pawpaw. I wish I had seen it an the opportunity it was. I didn't have your dad as support, but God gave me a whole support system under the same roof, but I didn't see it that way. Something has always been a little off with my perception of things. I began to take out all of my frustration and anger out on you.

          I always worked hard and provided for you and Diamond financially. You two were the best dressed kids in town. You had all of the new Jordan's as soon as they came out and the two of you had more gold than most adults I knew. I worked two jobs so that I could give you everything you wanted. You see, I wanted you to look well cared for on the outside so that no one would know what a horrible mother I was. I gave you everything you asked for. We bought a nice, brand new mobile home. Poppop Mark gave us a brand new car and we looked good. What I couldn't give you was a piece of me. I couldn't give you my time and attention, affection and nurturing. I loved you so much sometimes it made my chest so tight it hurt. I just wanted to squeeze you and never let go.

         Many parents teach their children and encourage growth and creativity. I did not. I demanded conformity although I have always rebelled against societal norms and expectations. I was more of a prison warden than a mother.

        When you began exhibiting rage and expressed difficulty with impulse control I didn’t know what to do. It seemed as if we entered into a power struggle and neither of us knew how to ask for what we wanted and neither of us knew how to express our rage and frustration through anything but violence.

          I apologize for not setting a good example for how to express my emotions and how to have healthy relationships. I think by the time I finally got clean, entered the program and began to recover you were already so set in your beliefs and behaviors. It’s never too late to reach for your dreams. I have been taught in Narcotics Anonymous that once we begin to recover lost dreams reawaken. I become sad when we talk, because sometimes I believe you don’t have any dreams. I don’t see you living life baby. I see you existing and getting through each day.

         You have so much going for you. I you are so smart and quick to learn things that interest you. You have a heart of gold and a wonderful sense of humor. You are handsome and creative. Baby don’t let all of that go to waste. You can and will be a productive member of society. You have so much to give and can really make a difference in the lives of people around you. You would be excellent working with young boys who are going through what you have been through. You could help children who have been victims of domestic violence and work with children whose parents are addicts.

          I can in no way take back all of the harm and pain I have caused you, but I sincerely hope that you will be able to do something positive with the pain. There is so much I would do differently if I could do it all over again. I love you so much and want the best for you. You are only confined by the limitations of your own mind.

          I love you son and I want you to dream and set goals and strive for them. Believe in yourself and believe in the good in the people around you. Lean on God and know that He covers you and allow Him to guide your footsteps each and every day.

          Always know that I did the best I could with what I had at the moment. I am just sorry that my best was not good enough. I have grown up with you and I feel such a bond with you because we are so much alike. You are my first born and my only son and I love you with a fierceness I never could have imagined. I believe in myself today, but more importantly, I believe in you!

Facing Feelings

          I thouroughly enjoyed the Just For Today meditation for today. As a child, my feelings felt so incredibly intense. It always felt likea heavily weighted wet blanket smothering me. I wanted to run from my feelings but I didn't not know how. I didn't know how to feel them either so I lashed out at everyone around me.

         Today I may not like what I feel at times, but I know how to sit still and feel it. I have to remind myself sometimes that it's okay to feel my feelings. They are not facts and can't hurt me. When good things happen I can sit back and enjoy them rather than try feel even better or control how long I will feel good. When I am feeling what I perceive to be negative feelings, I remind myself that they will pass.

      Today I don't strive for perfection. I did that very early in recovery and I almost used again when I began to beat myself up for failing. I am okay with simply doing my best most days. Somedays I  don't even do my best. I expected the program to fix my mood immediately when I followed a suggestion. When I prayed I thought of it an an opiate. Within 20 minutes I should feel all better. If I made a meeting, talked to my sponsor or wrote on a step I shouldn't feel bad anymore. What I have realized is that I can't use the program to change my mood the way the dope did. Overall, when I follow suggestions and stayed prayed up and spiritaully fit Ihave less of a difficult time getting through the tough things. Early in recovery it was about cleaning up the wreckage. These days is't about not creating more.

The Dissatisfaction of an Addict

   It seems as if I have spent my entire life being dissatisfied. Most addicts I know are. It takes being vigilant in our program of recovery and a solid relationship with God to accept things just the way they are. No matter what or how much I have I always seem to want more. I set goals for myself and as soon as I reach that goal I am unhappy with what I have and set my sights on something else.

    I don't know if it has anything to do with being an addict or if it is human nature. I have a wonderful man but I want a better one. I have a great job, but I want one that brings more satisfaction. I got a new car in April and now it's time for another one. Why can't I ever just sit back and relax and accept what
I have?

A job versus a Career

     In December I was laid off from a job I loved very much. It broke my heart. One of my clients found out I was being laid off and offered me a job immediately. I was so grateful. I took a little over a dollar pay cut, but was so happy to have a job. It was a company I have worked for before. It is a great company and I couldn't ask for a nicer group of people or a more appreciative boss. God is good and in recovery I am learning about responsibilty, accountability and committment.

     I absolutely hate my job! It is so boring and definately not challenging. I enter data into a computer all day and call doctor's offices and proof personalized orders. I can watch movies and read books at work while I work and still maintain the highest production in our whole group. The fact that I hate my job makes me feel like an ingrate. I believe that we lose the things we aren't grateful for and I don't want to lose my job. I am looking for another job.

    I want a challenge. I want a job I wake up and look forward to going to everyday. A job that makes me feel like I have a purpose. I want to feel like I am giving back and helping people. The job I have now doesn't give me a sense of satisfaction. I want a career, not just a mindless job that I go to everyday in order to get a paycheck to give away to bill collectors. It gives me the feeling I had in active addiction of just surviving, existing, not living. I don't like that feeling at all. I don't feel fulfilled.

    The thing is, I beat myself up for the choices I have made, I am living the consequences of choices I have made. I dropped out/ was kicked out of college due to active addiction and once I got clean and decided to return it was difficult. I have to work full time and have four children and money is very limited and my credit is trashed. I can only go part time and have realized it will take me forever to get my degree. My dream would be to get back into staffing or return to working with people with mental illness. I would love to work with other recovering addicts. I have experience with all of this, but
I don't have a degree. Most places want people with a college degree.

    I am not going to give up hope and right now I have to find and pray for some acceptance. I am grateful to have the job I have and I will continue to look for something else. I will also keep going to with the long process of school in hopes of things changing. I know God won't let me down.

Getting High

    Addicts are the people that spend all day trying to get one more and then we have to walk around and pretend we aren't high. I was an opiate addict and I spent hours and hours thinking of ways to con doctor's out of scripts and then getting high. The goal is to achieve the perfect high. That perfect balance of feeling numb, feeling as if you are wrapped in a floating cloud with the sun lightly kissing your face. The problem is that as an addict, I reach that if I reach that high I feel like "Just one more" ought to really make me feel better. It took me years to realize that there is no such thing as the perfect high. There is no magic combination to achieve this Heavenly feeling once we are in the grip of the disease. You see, onceI take that "one more" I have tipped the scale of high to completely fucked up and sick.

     Once reaching this point, I am nauseated and vomiting, sweating and shaking and my muscles and bones feel like jello on a stick. I would get high to get numb and not feel anything or have to think. What happened in reality is that my bodu would go into a nod and feel cozy and numb, but my mind would race a million miles a minute. I couldn't hold a thought and none of them made sense. As I bend over the toilet puking I am alternating between swearing that I am never going to do this again thinking that I just have to tweak the dosage a  bit.

     Here's another kicker...I am bent over holding my stomach, alternating between nodding and puking and am shaking, hungry and horny. Let me tell you, there is nothing sexier than a sweating, vomiting, incoherent chick who wants to fuck right? Isn't that a pretty picture?

    We sleep and then get up and do it all over again. In active addiction I needed downers at night to slow my mind down and knock me out and then something in the morning to get me going. Then I had to maintain that energy all day.

    Thank God I don't have to live that way today. Today I experience a sense of freedom. I still have trouble sleeping at night and am often tired during the day. I have to take naps and meditate. I have been to my doctor and he told me that if I quit smoking and lose weight I would pick up energy and be able to sleep naturally. Who would have thought?

5 Year Reflection

     Today is the anniversary of my clean date. Five years clean today!! Addicts sit and reflect on their anniversary just like anyone else would reflect around their birthday. How far have I come? Why am I not futher than where I am? Have I been putting enough work in?

     I am sitting comfortably in my livingroom while my three daughters are asleep in their bedrooms and even the dog is snoring peacefully. We moved into the house two weeks ago and are finally in a safe neighborhood. My girls could play outside today without the threat of gunfire. My life hasn't always been this serene.

    Two of my sleeping daughters don't live with me. They live with their father and I get them every other weekend. The gift of recovery is that I am a part of their lives today. I have given much thought lately of their father. I divorced him in my first year of recovery. He is also an addict and his addiction drug us to the depths of hell. Through living with him I realized that some people's bottoms had trap doors. It took $10,000 and a 13 month prison sentence for him for me to get away. Today he is remarried to his fourth wife,involved in church and an excellent father. We were best friends, but terrible together. It felt like two little kids trying to play grown up. I have missed him some lately. In typical fashion, my disease tells me that the highs were so wonderful that I could withstand the lows that the marriage brought with it. I have a disease that tells me I don't have a disease, one that tells me that things "weren't that bad."

     I also have a 16 year old son. He lives with my sister and step-father. I am unable to handle his mood swings and his defiant behavior. He was diagnosed with childhood onset on Bipolar disorder and I truly believe that much of the problem is the lifestyle I exposed him too and the abuse I inflicted upon him. He glorifies the life that I tried to take him out of. I have come to realize that the lifestyle is as addictive as getting high. If the drugs don't kill you, the lifestyle will.

     I work for a temp agency. I was a staffing specialist who found people jobs and I was good at what I did and truly loved it. I was laid off two months ago and now work at data entry at one of the companies I used to staff for. It was quite a blow. The blessing in all of this is that I am employable today and maintain some job stability. This company thought enough of me and my work that they made a position for me when they found out I was getting laid off.

     The live in proposed to me right before Valentine's Day and we then moved out of the apartment we were in. Everything seems to be coming together. I am searching to understand my Higher Power and it seems as if I am being led back to the God of my childhood. The same one I tried to rebel against. Along the way, God has placed important people in my life. There is a co-worker from the staffing agency whom I have come to love like a sister. I miss her so much. I don't get to see her now that we don't work together, but I know god placed her in my life for a reason. She has shown me what unconditional love is all about. I have four crazy wonderful children. I have an insane but lving man in my life and great friends. My sponsor has helped me grow and heal so much.

     I have come a long way in five years. I may not be where I could be. I may not be where I should be, but at least I am not where I used to be!