I went to a meeting last night and I made the white chip walk of shame. It was the most humbling thing I have ever had to do. Thank God for my network who stood tall with me and hugged me when I picked it up. They gave me the strength and the courage that I needed.
I have found that word spreads quickly through the rooms when one of us makes a bad decision. I have been fielding calls and hugs all day. The humbling thing about a relapse is having to sit there and hear all of the lectures. I am feeling angry today. I am angry at the people who have more time than me and angry at myself for backing myself into a corner I couldn't get out of clean.
Sunday, September 2, 2012
I Miss You Already
I miss you already!
A little over a week ago, I met a newcomer in the rooms. I was instantly drawn to him and knew that I wanted to get to know him better. I wanted to be in his presence. I offered him a ride to the noon meeting the following day and he accepted. We talked a little that night on the phone and text back and forth for a little while. He is staying in town after coming from treatment to get himself together before he goes back home to Philly.
The next morning I picked him up early and we went to the gym. I like going to the gym every morning. We worked out and then came back here. We spent some time together and then we went to the noon meeting. He was explaining that staying where he was staying was not conducive to his recovery. I invited him to stay with me until he gets on his feet. This was done with the understanding that I am here to help him with his recovery and give him a safe place to stay. We are friends and that's it.
We began sleeping together and he is completely moved in. All he is looking for is a friend, his freedom and recovery. He wants to put his life back together again and I respect him for that!! I started developing feelings for him.
I know he has other relationships and children back home. I know that he will return home and I am already sad at the thought of seeing him leave. He is setting the bar for other men who will come into my life. He is showing me how to be a friend. He is showing me how to respect myself and love myself and my children. He points out my control issues. He is helping me grow. He is making me question my spirituality and making me ask questions to grow. I appreciate that.
God puts people in my life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. It is not up to me to question why someone has been placed in my life or how long they will be here. It is my job to enjoy it and build a friendship that will last for life and it is up to me to create memories and make the most of his being in my life.
No matter how long he is here, he will be missed when he leaves. I will value and treasure this friendship for life.
The next morning I picked him up early and we went to the gym. I like going to the gym every morning. We worked out and then came back here. We spent some time together and then we went to the noon meeting. He was explaining that staying where he was staying was not conducive to his recovery. I invited him to stay with me until he gets on his feet. This was done with the understanding that I am here to help him with his recovery and give him a safe place to stay. We are friends and that's it.
We began sleeping together and he is completely moved in. All he is looking for is a friend, his freedom and recovery. He wants to put his life back together again and I respect him for that!! I started developing feelings for him.
I know he has other relationships and children back home. I know that he will return home and I am already sad at the thought of seeing him leave. He is setting the bar for other men who will come into my life. He is showing me how to be a friend. He is showing me how to respect myself and love myself and my children. He points out my control issues. He is helping me grow. He is making me question my spirituality and making me ask questions to grow. I appreciate that.
God puts people in my life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. It is not up to me to question why someone has been placed in my life or how long they will be here. It is my job to enjoy it and build a friendship that will last for life and it is up to me to create memories and make the most of his being in my life.
No matter how long he is here, he will be missed when he leaves. I will value and treasure this friendship for life.
Saturday, September 1, 2012
I Threw it All Away
I relapsed this week and to be honest, I felt it coming. Many in my network saw it coming. The truth is, I relapsed long before I ever picked up. I was engaging in thoughts, attitudes and behaviors that are indicitive of active addiction. I suffered from a general negative outlook and felt like I was on spiritual life support. I turned my back on God. I was calling out to Him with my words, but pushing him away with my actions.
I have a newcomer living with me, and he relapsed as well. However, my relapse has nothing to do with him. I have been sharing for three months that I felt it was coming. He was my excuse to use. I not only hurt myself, but I hurt him, because as a newcomer, he thinks he could have stopped me. Bless his heart. The truth is, no one could stop me. I had my mind made up and I made a conscious decision to pick up. I battled with wanting to use for several months now, but in the back of my mind, I knew it was inevitable.
I started romancing the lifestyle. If the dope won't kill you, the lifestyle will. I was getting attention from all of these young dope boys and that felt good. I liked feeling like I was apathetic and above feeling anything. I liked feeling powerful. That is a drug to me. I didn't want to be alone. I didn't want to feel alone and I wanted to cover my feelings and I also wanted to feel accepted. I felt disconnected to the people in the rooms because I emotionally and mentally isolated myself from them. I had people in my network who tried to tell me there was a train coming, but I didn't want to hear it. I thought I was more powerful than my disease. I thought I could handle it this time.
The thing is, I got high and didn't enjoy it in anyway. I managed to piss off the person I live with because I was acting so crazy. I felt so paranoid and couldn't even enjoy my high. I knew the whole time my mind was racing that I was doing something wrong. Once you know, you can't unknow.
The person I live with took my car at 3:30 this morning to run to the store and didn't come home until 1:00pm. He was out using all night. I feel guilt, I felt like I should have at least tried to stop him. I went through an array of feelings. I was angry and afraid, disappointed and felt guilt. This man came to me with the intention of me helping him stay focused and stay clean and I feel like I let him down. I was angry with him, but other addicts pointed out to me, that it's really the disease of addiction I am angry with. He is a great guy, but once we put one in, we are no longer in control. It changes us.
We both talked to our sponsors today and made a meeting tonight. We made the white chip walk of shame and shared our relapse with the group. It was a humbling experience to know that I threw away five and a half years of recovery. My sponsor said now that I feel humble, God can use me.
I feel some kind of way about living with an addict new to recovery. It brought back a lot of feelings from when I lived with my ex-husband in active addiction. A few people told me that he doesn't need to be living here. I don't want to hear it. I want him here. We can help each other. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be drug through active addiction again either. We are supposed to be friends who live together, but I am developing feelings for this man and I know that I will have a hard time letting go if it ever comes to that. The bottom line is that I want to stick by him no matter what and maybe he will see that and fall in love with me and see how good I am for him and he will want to get clean and stay clean and never want to leave. I also know, I will let go before I jeopardize my recovery again.
Thank you to my doodlebug who kept my confidence and gave me support and unconditional love when I didn't know where else to turn!!!
I have a newcomer living with me, and he relapsed as well. However, my relapse has nothing to do with him. I have been sharing for three months that I felt it was coming. He was my excuse to use. I not only hurt myself, but I hurt him, because as a newcomer, he thinks he could have stopped me. Bless his heart. The truth is, no one could stop me. I had my mind made up and I made a conscious decision to pick up. I battled with wanting to use for several months now, but in the back of my mind, I knew it was inevitable.
I started romancing the lifestyle. If the dope won't kill you, the lifestyle will. I was getting attention from all of these young dope boys and that felt good. I liked feeling like I was apathetic and above feeling anything. I liked feeling powerful. That is a drug to me. I didn't want to be alone. I didn't want to feel alone and I wanted to cover my feelings and I also wanted to feel accepted. I felt disconnected to the people in the rooms because I emotionally and mentally isolated myself from them. I had people in my network who tried to tell me there was a train coming, but I didn't want to hear it. I thought I was more powerful than my disease. I thought I could handle it this time.
The thing is, I got high and didn't enjoy it in anyway. I managed to piss off the person I live with because I was acting so crazy. I felt so paranoid and couldn't even enjoy my high. I knew the whole time my mind was racing that I was doing something wrong. Once you know, you can't unknow.
The person I live with took my car at 3:30 this morning to run to the store and didn't come home until 1:00pm. He was out using all night. I feel guilt, I felt like I should have at least tried to stop him. I went through an array of feelings. I was angry and afraid, disappointed and felt guilt. This man came to me with the intention of me helping him stay focused and stay clean and I feel like I let him down. I was angry with him, but other addicts pointed out to me, that it's really the disease of addiction I am angry with. He is a great guy, but once we put one in, we are no longer in control. It changes us.
We both talked to our sponsors today and made a meeting tonight. We made the white chip walk of shame and shared our relapse with the group. It was a humbling experience to know that I threw away five and a half years of recovery. My sponsor said now that I feel humble, God can use me.
I feel some kind of way about living with an addict new to recovery. It brought back a lot of feelings from when I lived with my ex-husband in active addiction. A few people told me that he doesn't need to be living here. I don't want to hear it. I want him here. We can help each other. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be drug through active addiction again either. We are supposed to be friends who live together, but I am developing feelings for this man and I know that I will have a hard time letting go if it ever comes to that. The bottom line is that I want to stick by him no matter what and maybe he will see that and fall in love with me and see how good I am for him and he will want to get clean and stay clean and never want to leave. I also know, I will let go before I jeopardize my recovery again.
Thank you to my doodlebug who kept my confidence and gave me support and unconditional love when I didn't know where else to turn!!!
Friday, August 24, 2012
Jails, Institutions and Unemployment
My disease manifests itself in many ways and the past two months have shown me just how deadly my disease is. I MUST stay vigilant or my disease will kill me. I have no doubt about this. We often hear it said in meetings that drug use is only a symptom of our disease and I think that we hear it so much that we don't really think about it.
I hired ten people with backgrounds and lost my job because of it. I knew they had backgrounds and I saw myself as this giver of second chances, this saver of lost souls. I needed my ego fed. I was overly involved with the men and woman who worked with me and it cost me my job. I want to sit here and feel sorry for myself, but I did this to myself. I hit a low point and hit a bottom.
I joined a dating website to get my ego fed. It feels incredibly good to have men tell me I am beautiful and want to be with me. There is one in Africa who asked me to marry him and I have a Caribean guy in North Carolina who wants to spoil me rotten. The attention and compliments are wonderful and make me feel so good. I can get caught up in projection and fairy tales and have to bring myself back to the real world.
I met a man in the rooms on Tuesday and he shared that he is new to the area and new to the program. He doesn't know anyone and wants to build a network. I approached him after the meeting and asked him if he would like a ride to the noon meeting the next day and he said yes. Later that night I spoke with him by phone and he expressed a sexual interest. I let him know up front what I am looking for in a relationship and I am not looking for a hook up. We made plans for me to pick him up on Wednesday morning and go to the gym to work out.
I picked him up and we worked out. I had overworked one of my thighs and he bent down to massage it. I suggested that the workout was over and asked him if he was ready to go home. He said no so I brought him home with me. We ended up having sex. We then went to the noon meeting and I invited him to move in. I had known him less than twenty four hours.
The point? He has moved all of his stuff in and we have talked about what this means. I am giving him a place to stay until he gets on his feet and I am helping him with his recovery. We are friends. We also happen to be sharing a bed and having sex. I might be okay if that's all it was. We talk all day. We sit on the couch and watch movies and cuddle and he is very affectionate. I think in the past three days the lines have begun to blur. I know he is only staying for a couple of months and I already don't want him to move out. I enjoy having him here. I am trying not to get caught up and let my feelings get involved because I think I will end up getting hurt. We keep verbalizing an understanding of what is supposed to be happening and then we send mixed signals to each other. I already know in my head and my heart that I will become attached. He knows this too. We both also know that recovery must come first. That is vital. If we don't keep recovery first, a relationship or anything else is not going to matter.
We left a meeting tonight and he said that he needed to go to his aunt's house to cut her hair and he was just going to spend the night. I felt some kind of way about that. What if he doesn't want to come back? I miss him being here already and it's only been three days. He text me after he had been there less than an hour and said he missed me already. I am supposed to go pick him up in the morning.
This is more than me helping out a newcomer. I want this to work. I am getting caught up. I am trying to not obsess and just enjoy whatever this is, for however long it lasts and remind myself that God puts people in my life for a reason, a season or a lifetime and only God knows the future. I can spend however long we have worrying, or I can waste time worrying and completely miss the purpose of why he is there.
I hired ten people with backgrounds and lost my job because of it. I knew they had backgrounds and I saw myself as this giver of second chances, this saver of lost souls. I needed my ego fed. I was overly involved with the men and woman who worked with me and it cost me my job. I want to sit here and feel sorry for myself, but I did this to myself. I hit a low point and hit a bottom.
I joined a dating website to get my ego fed. It feels incredibly good to have men tell me I am beautiful and want to be with me. There is one in Africa who asked me to marry him and I have a Caribean guy in North Carolina who wants to spoil me rotten. The attention and compliments are wonderful and make me feel so good. I can get caught up in projection and fairy tales and have to bring myself back to the real world.
I met a man in the rooms on Tuesday and he shared that he is new to the area and new to the program. He doesn't know anyone and wants to build a network. I approached him after the meeting and asked him if he would like a ride to the noon meeting the next day and he said yes. Later that night I spoke with him by phone and he expressed a sexual interest. I let him know up front what I am looking for in a relationship and I am not looking for a hook up. We made plans for me to pick him up on Wednesday morning and go to the gym to work out.
I picked him up and we worked out. I had overworked one of my thighs and he bent down to massage it. I suggested that the workout was over and asked him if he was ready to go home. He said no so I brought him home with me. We ended up having sex. We then went to the noon meeting and I invited him to move in. I had known him less than twenty four hours.
The point? He has moved all of his stuff in and we have talked about what this means. I am giving him a place to stay until he gets on his feet and I am helping him with his recovery. We are friends. We also happen to be sharing a bed and having sex. I might be okay if that's all it was. We talk all day. We sit on the couch and watch movies and cuddle and he is very affectionate. I think in the past three days the lines have begun to blur. I know he is only staying for a couple of months and I already don't want him to move out. I enjoy having him here. I am trying not to get caught up and let my feelings get involved because I think I will end up getting hurt. We keep verbalizing an understanding of what is supposed to be happening and then we send mixed signals to each other. I already know in my head and my heart that I will become attached. He knows this too. We both also know that recovery must come first. That is vital. If we don't keep recovery first, a relationship or anything else is not going to matter.
We left a meeting tonight and he said that he needed to go to his aunt's house to cut her hair and he was just going to spend the night. I felt some kind of way about that. What if he doesn't want to come back? I miss him being here already and it's only been three days. He text me after he had been there less than an hour and said he missed me already. I am supposed to go pick him up in the morning.
This is more than me helping out a newcomer. I want this to work. I am getting caught up. I am trying to not obsess and just enjoy whatever this is, for however long it lasts and remind myself that God puts people in my life for a reason, a season or a lifetime and only God knows the future. I can spend however long we have worrying, or I can waste time worrying and completely miss the purpose of why he is there.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Finding some acceptance
It has been a long an emotional week. I have been up and down and numb. I remember when I used to pay good money to get numb. It is a blessed relief from the pain. Eric is coming to spend the night tonight. I have been thinking a lot in the past few days about how he reminds me of my oldest children's father. When we started dating. He was charming and manipulative and knew all of the right things to say. He would come and go as he pleased, but when he was around I would forget all about being angry at him. I have heard that in life we are presented with situations that allow us to deal with issues from our past. He make act the same as someone from my past in many ways, but I am a different person. Today I am more mature, more aware and less inclined to put up with too much bullshit. Today I know that I have choices.
I am finding some acceptance that I don't have to find "the one". I can enjoy who I am with right now and when God is ready for me to meet "the one" nothing on earth can change that. I must also accept, that just as some of us die from this disease, I may not find true love. I have to accept that I am in the position I am in due to my own choices and 99% of what happens in my life has to do with me. If I want something different I need to do something different.
I also have to accept that it's okay to feel empy and feel that void I feel without the need to fill it with something. I will continue to ask God to fill that void.
I had a using dream last night and it didn't scare me. I woke up thinking that I had some acceptance. I used and that was okay. I haven't sat through a meeting in a week and I am okay with that. My sponsor is not pushing me, which is really cool. I will get back in there, probably tomorrow, but I will not use.
I am finding some acceptance that I don't have to find "the one". I can enjoy who I am with right now and when God is ready for me to meet "the one" nothing on earth can change that. I must also accept, that just as some of us die from this disease, I may not find true love. I have to accept that I am in the position I am in due to my own choices and 99% of what happens in my life has to do with me. If I want something different I need to do something different.
I also have to accept that it's okay to feel empy and feel that void I feel without the need to fill it with something. I will continue to ask God to fill that void.
I had a using dream last night and it didn't scare me. I woke up thinking that I had some acceptance. I used and that was okay. I haven't sat through a meeting in a week and I am okay with that. My sponsor is not pushing me, which is really cool. I will get back in there, probably tomorrow, but I will not use.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Being a Whore
I have been sitting here rereading my posts over the past week. I cried myself to sleep last night and felt very alone and lonely and raw. I never did hear from boytoy. My sponsor suggested that if I felt that bad I may want to consider inviting the live-in back home. I told him that I didn't want to do that because it wasn't working. There was a general negative outlook in that relationship and a lack of intimacy. Inviting him back would be just to ease the pain.
I woke up this morning and still felt very raw and alone. I broke down and begged the live-in to come back home. Thank God, one of us has good sense. He said no. I hurt him and he is done, it is over. He told me that I made my decision and I have to live with it. He is right, but it really stung.
I laid in bed all morning until it was time to go to work. Igot up and got dressed and did my hair and make-up. I went to work and there is a new LP specialist at work and she is a bitch. I hated her immediately. I had told married man to come in and get a tour of the facility before he starts tomorrow. This was just an excuse. He came in and flirted. We left at the same time so I followed him down a back road and pulled over. He got into my car and kissed me. Oh my!!! Then he went home to his family and I was left alone.
I went to a sponsees house and then went grocery shopping with her. She told me to put all of my attention and focus on my children instead of these men. She was right, but I wasn't trying to feel it. I came home and cooked and Eric said he was coming to spend the night. This perked me up.
I went to a meeting tonight and after being there about 30 minutes Eric called me and text me to tell me that he had come by twice and I wasn't here so he drove back home. We ended up arguing and I asked him why he didn't tell me he was on the way and I would have ensured I was here. He said he was trying to surprise me. I was so angry and had a panicked feeling. He said he may come back tonight and said he may just stay tomorrow night. He is supposed to call me back and let me know either way.
Knowing me, I will let him come and then raise hell when he gets here. What I have come to realize is that I am sick. I have something wrong psychologically, mentally and emotionally. I am attention seeking and need to feel wanted and needed. I constantly need reassurance from someone else that I am okay and worthy. I don't know how to change this. I think it's time I get some real therapy.
I woke up this morning and still felt very raw and alone. I broke down and begged the live-in to come back home. Thank God, one of us has good sense. He said no. I hurt him and he is done, it is over. He told me that I made my decision and I have to live with it. He is right, but it really stung.
I laid in bed all morning until it was time to go to work. Igot up and got dressed and did my hair and make-up. I went to work and there is a new LP specialist at work and she is a bitch. I hated her immediately. I had told married man to come in and get a tour of the facility before he starts tomorrow. This was just an excuse. He came in and flirted. We left at the same time so I followed him down a back road and pulled over. He got into my car and kissed me. Oh my!!! Then he went home to his family and I was left alone.
I went to a sponsees house and then went grocery shopping with her. She told me to put all of my attention and focus on my children instead of these men. She was right, but I wasn't trying to feel it. I came home and cooked and Eric said he was coming to spend the night. This perked me up.
I went to a meeting tonight and after being there about 30 minutes Eric called me and text me to tell me that he had come by twice and I wasn't here so he drove back home. We ended up arguing and I asked him why he didn't tell me he was on the way and I would have ensured I was here. He said he was trying to surprise me. I was so angry and had a panicked feeling. He said he may come back tonight and said he may just stay tomorrow night. He is supposed to call me back and let me know either way.
Knowing me, I will let him come and then raise hell when he gets here. What I have come to realize is that I am sick. I have something wrong psychologically, mentally and emotionally. I am attention seeking and need to feel wanted and needed. I constantly need reassurance from someone else that I am okay and worthy. I don't know how to change this. I think it's time I get some real therapy.
Saturday, July 14, 2012
Alone and Lonely
It is 11:00pm on a Saturday night and I am sitting here feeling a weight on my heart. I just got off of the phone with my sponsor and he told me to make plans for tomorrow with one of my sponsees so I won't be isolating tomorrow. I don't want to. I don't feel like being social. I worked today and notice that I am really throwing myself into my job lately. There are a few reasons for that. First of all, it's a new job and it's a lot of work and I want to impress the powers that be. Secondly, I receive much attention from the guys as work and right now it is like a salve to my wounded ego. I walk around in a state of bliss all day long because I feel so wanted, powerful and desired. I also noticed yesterday that I have lost some weight and I have taken more care with my appearance since I've been working. This makes me feel better about myseslf. I am doing a new weight loss program, but I think the depression has more to do with the weight loss that anything I am intentionally doing.
Then it's time to come home and reality sets in. I am alone. Boytoy called when we got off of work today and said he wanted to spend the night tonight and I said okay. I was looking forward to it. Our original plan was for him to come over tomorrow night and stay and we would get up for work on Monday. I called several times when I didn't hear from him this evening and his phones are turned off. They keep going straight to voicemail. My feelings are hurt and I am angry. I picture him laid up with a girl somewhere with his phones off so they won't be disturbed. I can't believe he didn't have the decency to at least call or text and cancel. The only thing I really demand in a relationship is respect. Keep it 100 with me. Be honest, tell me what you want and I'll let you know if it's something I'm interested in. If you are seeing someone and just want someone on the side I can respect that for right now. But don't tell me you're single if you aren't. Keep it real. Be honest. If you want something on the side let me know so that I can do me and I am not sitting around waiting on your ass everyday. I was telling my sponsor that this is probably a good thing. I was telling him that I was starting to become consumed with Boytoy and that's not healthy for me either. When I put the live-in out I swore to myself that I am going to take time for me and not take another hostage or victim right now. It is better to end it now before I get in too deep. I know this logically, but I still keep checking my phone to see if it's working. I already know that when I talk to him tomorrow and hear his excuse I will let him come over. I have been daydreaming about him being here full time. I don't think I've ever really been alone in my life. I keep thinking I am going to be alone forever then it dawned on me that I've only been single a week and have already been with two men and had three sleep overs.
Let's talk about married man. I just got out of a four year relationship with a married man last year. I finally had to break it off because it left my spirit feeling very unsettled. I didn't want to continue to cause hurt or harm to him, his wife or myself. I swore that I would never get involved with a married man again. It's too painful and I am not the sort who likes to share. This guy is pretty smooth though.
I am not in any shape to be in a relationship. I need to be okay with being alone first. I need to be okay with me. I want a relationship for the joy, not because I am looking for an escape from loneliness.
Then it's time to come home and reality sets in. I am alone. Boytoy called when we got off of work today and said he wanted to spend the night tonight and I said okay. I was looking forward to it. Our original plan was for him to come over tomorrow night and stay and we would get up for work on Monday. I called several times when I didn't hear from him this evening and his phones are turned off. They keep going straight to voicemail. My feelings are hurt and I am angry. I picture him laid up with a girl somewhere with his phones off so they won't be disturbed. I can't believe he didn't have the decency to at least call or text and cancel. The only thing I really demand in a relationship is respect. Keep it 100 with me. Be honest, tell me what you want and I'll let you know if it's something I'm interested in. If you are seeing someone and just want someone on the side I can respect that for right now. But don't tell me you're single if you aren't. Keep it real. Be honest. If you want something on the side let me know so that I can do me and I am not sitting around waiting on your ass everyday. I was telling my sponsor that this is probably a good thing. I was telling him that I was starting to become consumed with Boytoy and that's not healthy for me either. When I put the live-in out I swore to myself that I am going to take time for me and not take another hostage or victim right now. It is better to end it now before I get in too deep. I know this logically, but I still keep checking my phone to see if it's working. I already know that when I talk to him tomorrow and hear his excuse I will let him come over. I have been daydreaming about him being here full time. I don't think I've ever really been alone in my life. I keep thinking I am going to be alone forever then it dawned on me that I've only been single a week and have already been with two men and had three sleep overs.
Let's talk about married man. I just got out of a four year relationship with a married man last year. I finally had to break it off because it left my spirit feeling very unsettled. I didn't want to continue to cause hurt or harm to him, his wife or myself. I swore that I would never get involved with a married man again. It's too painful and I am not the sort who likes to share. This guy is pretty smooth though.
I am not in any shape to be in a relationship. I need to be okay with being alone first. I need to be okay with me. I want a relationship for the joy, not because I am looking for an escape from loneliness.
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